Revised free verse attempt

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Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

0 posted 2002-08-19 12:50 PM

Thanks to all who tried to help me with this one. I have tried to tighten it up a lot, using what I understood from many of your suggestions. Now I would like to know whether I have helped or hurt it, or made no difference at all.

        A Silent Moment

I secretly watched you work the room
conversing with the nameless crowd,
face a little flushed,
right eye and a corner of your mouth
drooping ever so slightly -
making love to your martini.
No my Dear, you were not at your best
and you had stayed away so long
I found myself almost thinking,
"Yes, she is a beautiful woman
but maybe not the goddess I thought."
Was it foolish fascination all along?

I found no pleasure in that revelation,
only a small sense of satisfaction
that I might finally be slipping
free of your spell.

Then I thought I saw "that look"
as you turned in my direction
and I felt my heart pounding,
hoping you might just stop
to say hello.
I waited … breathless.
But you passed by,
thoughts and interests
on something,
or someone else.
I couldn't look.

Then, as if you heard my wish
there you were,
draped over my shoulder,
cheek brushing mine,
breasts caressing my back,
whispering  in my ear:
"I've missed you …"
But my thoughts formed no words -
one of those intensely silent moments
where  all seems in slow motion.
I still long for the magic of that touch,
the wet of your breath on my neck
and the music of your voice.

It was then I understood,
you are that goddess I always adored.

Even as I savored the intoxication of
your softness pressing me firmly,
your hand teasing my arm
and the bouquet of your nearness,
with an unexpected quick kiss,
you were gone as suddenly as you had come
and I never really said anything
or understood anything you said.

And there was so much I wanted to say.
I wanted to feel you touching me,
I wanted to return the kiss,
I wanted to hold you,
but it was too late.
You were gone,
once again.

That's what I mean.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

1 posted 2002-08-19 01:26 PM

Yes...better!

Bridget Shenachie
Senior Member

since 2002-01-23

Posts 1056
Kansas USA

2 posted 2002-08-28 03:35 AM

This does read better. You managed to improve and already excellent poem. Very impressive and thanks for sharing your efforts.

Shenachie

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

3 posted 2002-08-30 08:42 AM

Still excellent - says she who rarely ventures into free verse...

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

4 posted 2002-08-30 02:42 PM

NotAPoetPete ?

You'll never convince me that you live up to THAT name !

Now .... yes, you have managed to transfer some of the actual feelings of this moment~

See ? She IS real~
*Hugs*
~*Marge*~

~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
[email protected]

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