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Sea Storm (my first real "free verse" work)
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Sea Storm (my first real "free verse" work) |
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Jason Member
since 2002-07-31
Posts 72Macon, GA |
Sea Storm I look out to sea the clouds flowing in a majestic dance to the beat of thunder as it echoes across the fluid grace of the ocean's surface swirling to the rhythm of a timeless symphony the thunder changes the tempo and the winds increase their speed as the tempest turns the sea in a frenzied waltz as the passions and motions of the sea-storm increase changing the waves gentle touch into a harsh scratch digging into the beach like nails in a lovers back Then the salted winds of time that bring the spicy scent of the sea mix with the ozone of the storm move me through an age, long gone while the brilliant blue flashes of lightning illuminates my face eerily in the grey gloom of the cloudy day but only for an instant before fading away as another takes it's place my eyes reflect the grey clouds broken by flashes of blue like the lightning in the skies telling of the chaos within for I am akin to the storm and wedded to the sea now standing upon the shore watching this dance of my heart and soul and I find peace in the Sea Storm. Jason Daniels (this is the first free verse I ever put effort into and I'm still not completely happy with it in part) {I posted this in the open forum a few days ago, when I found out that I couldn't put it here until AFTER gaining authorization, so some of you may have seen it already} Candor is appreciated. Practiced in the Art of Perception |
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| © Copyright 2002 Jason Daniels - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Jason...a mentor once told me that to make free verse really work? Drop the articles. I do believe you've got a good one here to work with....so, drop the "the's, a's, that's, with's" etc., and see what happens... |
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Jason Member
since 2002-07-31
Posts 72Macon, GA |
hmmm.......... an interesting idea....... something is moving in my mind..... my thanks to you, Sunshine........... Practiced in the Art of Perception... |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
You're welcome. For me, free verse is like talking to myself in shorthand... and then I bug you all with it by putting it in purple on blue... |
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Mark Bohannan Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-21
Posts 7269In the winds of Cherokee song |
Lot's of wonderful images in this piece. I read it the way you wrote it and then I tried to read it the way Sunshine suggests........works both ways with a little changing in the order of words. That is why she is among the tops in free-verse and I am stuck trying to understand why "When there are no rules"......there seems to be a whole lot of "you gotta do's to make it sound right".  Either way.....I did enjoy it much and I think you are well on your way to getting an "A" before class is out. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Great imagery to be sure. I think you would hve to be careful dropping the articles though. I also looked at it that way and to remain sensible (for me anyway) at least half or so of them would have to stay. The complete lack of punctuation threw me on this one. I know that is a problem I have but it really made me want to just rush through it much faster than I think you intended. Well, again that may just be me. Finally, I found "harsh scratch" a little difficult to say  It might be worthwhile to separate the words or maybe change one.Thanks for a very enjoyable read. Pete |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Here's the thing with free verse. There *are* rules. There *is* rhythm. It's not just prose given a line-break make-over. So how do you keep things from falling apart with such irregularities of spacing and stanza length? Punctation. Everywhere. Dashes, commas, periods. Lots of periods. You need to breathe the words. You need to feel the breath of them, where they pause to inhale, and the slow exhale .... to the end. See what I mean? |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
I have probably been doing free verse incorrectly, because no one ever taught me before...but I have slowly come to the realization that sometimes the articles make the poem a bit more clutzy than it needs to be... but I do think that there are times when an occasional one is needed... I really love the imagery in this poem,Jason... but I agree with Karilea... Try dropping some of the articles and see what happens. Mr.Squirrel, Someone once told me that we weren't supposed to use....... in poems. I forgot what they called those little dots, which to me...actually say a lot, and I can't remember who told me that... So is it okay to use them? Lyra |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I like what BSQ said... and Lyra? I don't think I could write, without...my little...ellipses of thought...  |
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Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA |
Love your imagery! Shenachie |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Well, LeRoy... You know this is one of my favorites..  Your imagery is exceptional, so the only suggestion I would offer has already been... Perhaps the imagery would speak even louder without articles... Let's see a revised version??..  |
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Jason Member
since 2002-07-31
Posts 72Macon, GA |
Thanks Folks, The re-write is coming soon. Jason Practiced in the Art of Perception... |
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