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By Admission Only (free verse? five bucks please!)
| Poetry Workshop |
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By Admission Only (free verse? five bucks please!) |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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fingers tapping-- jungle drums silence beating through the palms... I smoke. I pace. I smoke. I pace. Glaring through the eyes of cage-- wilderness on padded stealth fingers tapping jungle drums pounding rhythm maddening muscles ~ripple~ in restraint-- (I'll wait for opportunity...) I nod to self, as I exhale... I'll bite the hand that brings me meat. So starved am I--in need of "kill." fingers tap-tap (native drum) I watch the sun to measure time. I smoke. I pace. I smoke. I wait. I hear the steps of my turnkey. He brings me buckets full of blood-- I smell the meat. I drool. I hear the crowd in terror-- jump as I attacked! (my meal...alone...) I ate. I shrugged. I groomed myself. I yawned and dozed contentedly. "tomorrow is another day..." Then? They closed the zoo. [This message has been edited by serenity blaze (08-13-2002 09:31 AM).] |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
great one.... you need 5 ... here ya go 1 BUCK 1 BUCK 1 BUCK 1 BUCK 1 BUCK Add them together... and hold on to them tight   regards to you, sudhir |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Wait, i thought you *always* did free verse?  Mikey |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Yeah, that's kinda cheatin' doncha think? |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I'm only counting five bucks here---grin. but seriously, I would love some critique here, I know I have committed a crime of assonance, but? and...tick tick tick, my question is--if there are no rules to free verse? is "rhyme" a disqualifier? (and this is not technically "rhyme"--but assonance...) and? further? I would love suggestions--this really frustrated me--it was difficult for me to illustrate a rhythm of pacing--without rhyme. (I KNOW. I KNOW. I even TALK in rhyme--try being taken seriously with THAT problem!) (serenity exits, muttering..."oranges, poranges--who cares?") *chuckle* |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
What's to critique, Sen? You write jump, and you feel the entire poem jumping. You write pace, and I'm taken along with the verse. If anything, you have things to teach *me*.  |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
sigh...I think I was hoping to be attacked...egads, I'm terrible!  Thank ye... free popcorn for everyone? |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
After you give me my five bucks back!  |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
okay... I make an attempt... fingers tapping-- jungle drums silence beating through the palms... I smoke. I pace. I smoke. I pace. --------- this part is gripping, and has all my attention... the nervous twitching, fingers tapping... all is so contagious Glaring through the eyes of cage-- wilderness on padded stealth fingers tapping jungle drums pounding rhythm maddening muscles ~ripple~ in restraint-- ---- great work so far too... I would have liked the last line to be "in forced restraint"... but that's just me... (I'll wait for opportunity...) ........ what opportunity? I would have prefered (I'll wait for an/the opportunity...) or (I'll wait for my opportunity...) ........... I nod to self, as I exhale... I'll bite the hand that brings me meat. So starved am I--in need of "kill." ..... the period after the quotes? fingers tap-tap (native drum) I watch the sun to measure time. I smoke. I pace. I smoke. I wait. I hear the steps of my turnkey. ........ you seem to have gathered patience ........ He brings me buckets full of blood-- I smell the meat. I drool. I hear the crowd in terror-- jump as I attacked! (my meal...alone...) I ate. I shrugged. I groomed myself. I yawned and dozed contentedly. "tomorrow is another day..." Then? They closed the zoo. .......... well, the story line is simple, but the flow magnificent... keeping the reader gripped... wanting more... but the last line is sort of final, is it not? This one did not need rhyme... but the first two stanzas are brilliant... NOW, I have said it!!! you are a great writer, O serene one... regards, sudhir |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
just to add that I wondered "jungle drums" and then "native drum" abit confused, but I don't know where... lol regards, sudhir |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Note:... It is NOT a crime to commit assonance, anthropomorphism, or extended metaphor in free verse!..  |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
"anthropomorphism,?" I swear, I was just cleaning it, and went off by accident! |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
SB: I'm not sure what I enjoyed more ... your poem or your last response to Nan ... heh-heh ... still chuckling on my little side of cyberworld. Thanks for the read. Very nice offering. Jim |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
serenity, Crouching tiger/hidden metaphor?Had my attention all the way through. Doc |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I forgot to thank Sudhir...forgive me? and the switch from jungle drum, to native, I think was an attempt at a subconscious trigger to suggest aborigine and to also suggest the humanity of the subject. Lemme know if that worked! Hugs to all, and giggles to j...and I'll be back here to read, I'm running amok from forum to forum--*pant* pant* |
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Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA |
Smoking! Shenachie |
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