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Free verse attempt
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Free verse attempt |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I have been working on this off and on for a while. I think I like it but it seems too prosey. I'm posting early (for me anyway) in hopes of getting some help to make it read more like a poem. So thanks in advance for any advice any of you wonderful people can give. A Silent Moment I watched you make your way around the room in conversations with so many others, your face a little too red, right eye and a corner of your mouth drooping ever so slightly, while making love to your martini. No my Dear, you were not at your best and you had stayed away for so long that I found myself almost thinking, Yes, she truly is a beautiful woman but maybe not the goddess I always thought. Was it just enchantment all along? I found no pleasure in that revelation, only a small sense of satisfaction that I might finally be slipping free of your spell. Then I thought I saw that look as you moved in my direction and I felt my heart pounding as I hoped you might just stop to say hello. I waited … breathless. But you passed by - not coming to me - thoughts and interests on something, or someone else. I couldn't look. Then, as if you heard my wish there you were, draped over my shoulder your cheek brushing mine, your breasts against my back, whispering in my ear. I savor the magic of that touch, the wet of your breath on my neck and the sultry echo of your voice. You said "I've missed you", but I was unable to speak, thoughts refused to form into words. It was one of those intensely silent moments where everything seems to move in slow motion … You know the kind I mean. It was at that moment I think I realized you truly are that goddess I always adored. Then, as I relished your softness pressing firmly against me, the play of your hand on my arm and the sweet smell of your perfume, with an unexpected quick kiss, you were gone as suddenly as you had come and I never really said anything nor understood anything you said. And there was so much I wanted to say. I wanted to feel you touching me, I wanted to return the kiss, I wanted to hold you, but it was too late. You were gone once again. That's what I mean. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Pete Rawlings - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA |
Hi N.A.P.! I really like this. I think that it is well-written as is. Relationship frustration/confusion is a great subject for free verse. Shenachie |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Thanks Bridget, but I know it is flawed and I guess I'm just too close to it to recognize the problems. Pete |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
NotAPoet~ Hi there ... I like the thoughts in this ... but I do feel what you describe as being 'just too close' to it ... You know I don't do 'open' critique ... but I have copied it and taken it to my study ... I'll e-mail you if and when I 'figure' out my take on it~ Okay ? *Hugs* ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Thanks Marge, I will appreciate any advice you can give. |
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Greeneyes 
since 2000-09-09
Posts 9903In Your Poetic Mind |
Not A Poet~ this is really good...a little wordy, but you speak of a love or a lover in the glory it should be spoken in, does that make sense?? for affect, and I am in no way perfect to really say this, but try cutting some of the words down, to give this piece power..leave room for the reader to imagen and think of the next move ..thank you for sharing this....I look forward to more....  Lauren~ The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket I lean against the wind pretend I am weightless and in this moment I am happy [This message has been edited by Greeneyes (08-09-2002 06:49 PM).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hey Pete: If you have Drury's book, take a look at what he has to say about tension in free-verse. I have little doubt of the intensity of the feelings this mysterious goddess aroused in you, my friend. But it is easier for me to identify with your experiences if you describe some of the feelings they evoke rather than tell me what they've evoked in you. For example, when she walked up from behind you, the words, "These feelings are intense" probably didn't cross your mind (although you ARE and accountant ... never could quite figure out that bunch).  Seriously, the emotions were real and, in your mind, they are inexorably tied to that moment.So why not latch onto something else that is part of that moment? Something specific ... and afix it to your goddess. Just a few suggestions. Hope you finally snare that goddess one day, Pete. Have you tried showing her one of your poems? Jim |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hey Pete...it's not uncommon for free verse to resemble prose - I do it a lot actually - the trick is balance...a certain amount of poetical insertion versus a lack of poetic device - I have many failed attempts lol... I like this a lot, over all, I think you just might need to find a bit of that balance... My few suggestions - sometimes when you're trying a new style it's good to completely maraud what you first come up with I suggest firstly that you take this and change the past tense completely for the present.. ie: I watch you make your way around the room in conversations with so many others, your face a little too red, right eye and a corner of your mouth drooping ever so slightly, while making love to your martini. No my Dear, you are not at your best and you have stayed away for so long that I find myself almost thinking, etc and see how that works for the poem as a whole, see if you like it. Then I think you may need to do a bit of word-reduction, perhaps a little less telling, and mould it a little with more poetic language to find that balance. I'm just going to use one verse for an example: You said "I've missed you", but I was unable to speak, thoughts refused to form into words. It was one of those intensely silent moments where everything seems to move in slow motion … You know the kind I mean. You could wipe the last line entirely, and possibly the second. You could remove the 'you said' and just start off with 'I miss you' - and indicate who the speaker is through an image perhaps. In this verse is a perfect example of what makes the poem seem a little too prosey. This line: 'It was one of those intensely silent moments where everything seems to move in slow motion … this could easily be reshaped... I don't want to suggest how because that's totally up to you lol... The last line is a killer - that works exceptionally well I think... this poem is full of potential...will you let me know how it goes?  K |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Hey Pete!  I'm going to attack the first stanza, and I don't know how to critique unless I simply take your words and rewrite, so don't consider this a rewrite, consider it my suggestions on your words....  A Silent Moment I watched you make your way around the room conversing with so many others, your face brilliant in red, right eye drooping to meet the corner of your mouth, as you made love to your martini. No, Dear, your best was not around, that part of you had stayed away so long, so long that I found myself almost thinking, Yes, truly, she is a beautiful woman but maybe, maybe not the goddess I always thought. Was it enchantment all along? ~*~ purely suggestions... |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Pete, the subject here is very good... and your words are great... and as for advices... you can do well to listen to the best here... regards, sudhir |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Thanks much to all of you guys. I'll go back to the board and work on it some more even though I'm not sure I understand a whole lot of what you have said. Maybe some of it will soak in though. And Jim, I have to confess that there really isn't a goddess. Sorry. Thanks, Pete |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
OhPete~ Yes, there is a goddess ... she's in your poetic thoughts ... you just haven't 'touched' the all of her yet~   They're EVERYWHERE~*Hugs* ~*ThatDangedLilCherokeeWoman*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
Not A Poet I am not good at critiquing... but I do love this poem... the way it portrays the lack of relationship between 2 people, from the point of view of the one who would like it to be a relationship... Sorry, but I cannot find your flaw... and I really enjoyed your poem.  ~ chipmunk hugsLyra |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Pete - I've said it before, free verse is a form of poetry I find almost impossible to write, so therefore I feel I cannot truly comment on your piece, except that I like the story very much. |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
How does one 'critique' a poetic format that has 'no rules'?... This has always been a problem for me.. always will, I expect..  This piece does, in fact, resemble prose - but by nature, it's a rambling stream directed at your 'goddess.' In that context, it's totally acceptable, isn't it? You surely paint some vivid pictures of your narrator's thoughts and feelings... I particularly like your final stanza.. The 'too late now' part. As always, your work shines.. |
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