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Sea Glass
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Sea Glass |
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Greeneyes  
since 2000-09-09
Posts 9903In Your Poetic Mind 
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I will give this a go.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i Crossing the still Just empty rooms facing the sea a thin line of haze A bit of color: the tide skims green blades; lonely willows touch softly wind and water a thirst for drink How autumn looks different when intertwined with dangling moonlight and forming thunderstorms Our passion known to sunsets and horizons seemingly endless Naked eyes searching for musical words of psalms Did we know the fire clouded the glass or did we watch the storm cascade the dawn -- In an empty boat we lost each other: the sea glass shattered ripples-- will mark the headstone; {my faith in words-he escaped all definition, with the eye of my understanding} ii The night made its gentle transition answering a theory to practice silence surrounded the island your shoulders have kept steady as you drifted, iii I Watched The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket I lean against the wind pretend I am weightless and in this moment I am happy [This message has been edited by Greeneyes (08-09-2002 04:56 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Lauren~ - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
How autumn looks different when intertwined with dangling moonlight and forming thunderstorms Our passion known to sunsets and horizons seemingly endless Naked eyes searching for musical words of psalms Did we know the fire clouded the glass or did we watch the storm cascade the dawn -- In an empty boat we lost each other: the sea glass shattered ripples-- will mark the headstone; {my faith in words-he escaped all definition, with the eye of my understanding} =============================== I couldnt crit this if someone made me... I just needed to read it...many times. You are often writing for 2 ya know.. hope ya dont mind a moth sitting on your shoulder.   If all the tear drops went to heaven And if all the pain was confined ... Would I be your salvation could I make your spirit shine. KWSB [This message has been edited by Janet Marie (08-09-2002 08:43 PM).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
I really enjoyed this. I think you did an extremely good job at creating tension in this poem. You lightly touch the subject of the poem, yet give us enough of what you(?) where actually feeling with some remarkable imagery. You got a complement from me. I suggest you print this out. A very satisfying read. Thanks.Jim |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Lauren - this is quite superb I think...I have to agree with both Jim on the tension angle... the one thing that jumped out at me was the very first word 'just'...I wonder how it would work if you removed that and started it off with 'empty rooms'...it seems more immediate and slides off from crossing the still quite well. This is exquisite: Did we know the fire clouded the glass or did we watch the storm cascade the dawn -- In an empty boat we lost each other: the sea glass shattered ripples-- will mark the headstone; {my faith in words-he escaped all definition, with the eye of my understanding} ii The night made its gentle transition answering a theory to practice silence surrounded the island I hope you're going to try this more often...I really do  K |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Lauren I certainly can not critique you but I can tell you this for sure, I will be sitting on your other shoulder. I truly wish you do try writing like this more often it suits you. I felt like I was witnesssing so many different images of beauty (especially the willow tree of course). I loved it, and it goes into "my" Passions Hall of Fame. I pass this way but once so I hope to meet you. |
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Mark Bohannan Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-21
Posts 7269In the winds of Cherokee song |
Okay, I agree with the tension bit Jim brought up but something that always strikes me about any poem especially yours and some I would compare you to such as Liz Santos, Martie, etc...is your very unique but vivid imagery. I have always been an imagery fan and you have some superb ones ... A bit of color: the tide skims green blades; lonely willows touch softly wind and water a thirst for drink I just love that image and then there is How autumn looks different when intertwined with dangling moonlight and forming thunderstorms Now tell me that isn't great imagery. You can't cause it is and I commend you on it and the original expressions you use to make you so unique and treasured as a poet. Well done and I sincerely wanted you to know.......I LOVE THIS PIECE. |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Holy ..... How did you DO that?  And you're always doin' free verse too. Mikey |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
A bit of color: the tide skims green blades; lonely willows touch softly wind and water a thirst for drink Lauren...you do this so beautifully, I think you are a natural poet...  ~ lots of poetic hugsLyra |
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Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA |
Cannot critique this because it's excellent. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your lines. The imagery is wonderful. Shenachie |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
You got the 'two thumbs up' response from our resident free verse pros, Lauren - I wouldn't dream of disagreeing with them... Kamla would probably expunge me if I did... Besides, this piece is really goooood.. You've done a wonderful job of painting a picture at sea...  |
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