»
Main Forums
»
Poetry Workshop
»
Seeing Red (first free-verse)
| Poetry Workshop |
|
Seeing Red (first free-verse) |
|
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash 
|
You drew me like a breath – Lightly, when the rockets framed your face in red. I tried not to stare When I imagined the taste of lime on your lips And wondered at your faint reflection in the window If you stood close to me Because you wanted to. You drew me like a breath – Sharply, as the lights of Mars framed your face in red. I tried to hide How much I wanted you to taste the lime on my lips Or touch my arm again when you laughed – But I sat close to you Because I wanted to. You draw me like a breath – Deeply, as your lamp frames us both in red, And drawn We taste the lime on one another's lips As inhibitions Slide softly Down your gently arching back and Vanish As though they never were – Because we both know We are right where we want to be And, together, we exhale. [This message has been edited by jbouder (08-07-2002 05:16 PM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Jim Bouder - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Hi Jim, This is a beautiful free verse. I like free verse, one can do as one pleases Titia Like scattered leaves...my words will flow |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey Jim, Pretty good for a kid who has been cutting class for so long. Terrific love story told here. I loved it in CA and every time I read it I get a little more from it. Eventually, it gets to feeling pretty steamy. I'm still a little cold on the Mars reference, that is without your earlier explanation of it. Great write, Pete |
||
|
Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
It's Jim! ~falling over in shock~ It's great to see you...and I like ya poem too...(though lost on Mars, but hey - it's free verse, getting lost is part of the fun right? (see Chris for lessons on that heh) hope all's going well you..  K |
||
|
Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Jim, Who knows what delights lurk out beyond the shadows' rim, only Jim. Great write here, studying away. Doc |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hey Kamla: The Mars Bar is a trendy martini bar in downtown Harrisburg, PA. Some of the lighting is red and casts just about everything (and everyone) in shades of red. It's nice being back. Jim P.S. Hope you didn't hurt yourself falling over. |
||
|
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Jim! It's so good to see you writing again! How is your son doing? |
||
|
Mark Bohannan Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-21
Posts 7269In the winds of Cherokee song |
I do believe that studying free-verse is going to be a treat for me as was this wonderful read. I have studied Nan's notes and I don't see where you missed a beat. Not only did you capture some very cool images in here but you added the feeling as well brought us a moment's story to enjoy. I say well done and much enjoyed. |
||
|
Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
I've missed reading you Jim, really have. Ironically (or not, i get lost so easily) i didn't get lost on the mars bit... of course where it took me was different from your intent. I just had a picture of the planet nearing and shining off the other's face. a stretch, of course - if this were completely reality, but no one ever said poetry had to be that. i liked the romantic allusion to foregoing the moon and bringing closer a farther orb. i like it with the reference as well though, as it fits with the "bar scene" you outline in your first stanza. All said, definitely enjoyable, as your work always is. Peace, C |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Karilea, Mark and Christopher: Thanks for reading and commenting. This was an enjoyable poem to write. Jim |
||
Greeneyes  
since 2000-09-09
Posts 9903In Your Poetic Mind |
When I imagined the taste of lime on your lips'' for me this is so exotic! and when you flipped it for her to taste the lime on your lips....WOW!! Enjoyed this sir...  Lauren~ The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket |
||
|
Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Hiya Jim, it's been far too long since we've seen your work and you surely added a little magic to the Workshop this time. |
||
|
Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Pretty darned good, m'friend.. You've developed a theme beautifully - incorporated some wonderful imagery.. "You drew me like a breath" - a combined simile/metaphor "Lightly, when the rockets framed your face in red." - a bit more metaphor "You drew me like a breath – Sharply, as the lights of Mars framed your face in red." - more of the same - building in intensity... "You draw me like a breath – Deeply, as your lamp frames us both in red," - and more intensity... "As inhibitions Slide softly Down your gently arching back and Vanish" This verse incorporates personification into a visual format that enhances its inference... "Because we both know We are right where we want to be And, together, we exhale." and... the piece comes to a wonderfully effective climax.. Nice work, Jim... Don't stay away so long next time..  |
||
|
Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA |
Jim-- I enjoyed all of your references to the Red Planet and appreciated your explanation that it was a theme for a bar. Mars Bar no less. Someone was very clever and this poem tells the story well. Shenachie |
||
|
Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
You drew me like a breath – Lightly, when the rockets framed your face in red. I tried not to stare When I imagined the taste of lime on your lips I love this imagery, Jim... nice and steamy...and tasting of lime  ~ tasty hugsLyra |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
