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A home without a wall, |
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A home without a wall, |
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| Poetry Workshop |
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Second Attempt at Iambic Meter |
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SmartChick Member Rara Avis
since 2001-09-23
Posts 7081On A Journey To The Unknown 
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He never hears a thing I say I think his ears are full of clay I talk until I'm all worn out Sometimes he makes me want to shout I try to talk to him each day Attention he just doesn't pay I sit here in this house alone Just waiting for him to come home The time he doesn't seem to know So late his face he always shows Maybe I should lock the back door Then he will be good like before By Sue 6-27-02 |
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| © Copyright 2002 Sue Graves - All Rights Reserved | |||
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kayjay Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015Oregon |
Your "Waiting" poem is so true My cat's marauding makes me rue I wish that he would come to see How fussy when he's out...is me! Great vignette...thank you ps..with your "Maybe I should lock the back door" line, you can almost elide over maybe, but as you are using tetrameter(4 beats), the beat wobbles a bit. maybe I should LOCK the BACK door loses the stress on door that would keep the foot in place. mayBE i SHOULD lock THE back DOOR fits iamb, but sounds funny to the ear. Perhaps "or SHOULD i LOCK up THAT back DOOR" Nice job!!..thanks again. Through rubble and trouble and dark of night |
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kayjay Member Elite
since 2002-06-24
Posts 2015Oregon |
One more point...smile..I've a nice tutorial on the technical aspects of poetry if you are interested. I got it from a online course I took from AARP. It is emailable. thx again for a fine poem |
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NewEnglandlazurlu Member Rara Avis
since 2002-01-04
Posts 7470A Mountain Paradise |
Hi Sue - what a hoot your words are! I enjoyed reading this very much. I can't figure out all this rhymming and meter stuff but this in my humble opinion, read beautifully. Hugs to you gal pal. Marti " My wrinkles are badges of courage and reveal that I am a Mother." |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Sue, This is certainly much closer. I only see a couple of places that might use a little work. Kayjay already discussed the "back door" line which is a little off. The last line of the first stanza starts with sometimes which I believe is ordinarily stressed on the first syllable but it is one of those funny words which may also be stressed the other way, depending on the context and the specific usage (I think). In this case, I think you can get by with it because it doesn't seem all that awkward to read it as iambic. The last line of the second stanza is a little harder to read. No matter how hard I try, I still want to read it thus. just WAIT/ing for HIM/ to come HOME You might try something like Just waiting here for him to come Finally the last line also needs a little work. It reads naturally like this, then HE / will be GOOD / like be-FORE To make it iambic, it would have to read, then HE / will BE / good LIKE / be-FORE This doesn't work because be is just to small and unimportant a word to be stressed in this context. Also, good is more important here than like. I know this is probably picky but one really needs to be able to read a poem without having to force the stresses and rhythm. You might try rearranging the like something like Then like before he will be good. which reads naturally as then LIKE / be-FORE / he WILL / be GOOD Hope I've helped a little here. But you are making great progress already. Thanks, Pete |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Smartchick, you have put a smile on the old Balladeer's face from ear to ear. What an improvement!!! This is great! Yes, there are a couple of rough edges that the fellows pointed out but, compared to your earlier efforts, you are growing by leaps and bounds. Forget the ten dollar words like heptameter, trochaic and all that good stuff and let's keep going nice and simple until you get it down....then we will go deeper... "Just waiting for him to come home..." the problem is, as has been pointed out, that you used two unaccented syllables together, which is death in iambic. WAIT-ing for HIM. So we need to change it. Pete's suggestion doesn't work, unfortunately, because it changes the rhyming word at the end. I would suggest "As I await his coming home." Problem solved...  "Maybe I should lock the back door"...well, here you need to know immediately that it won't work. Say the word "maybe" in your mind. The accent has to be on the first syllable....MAY-be, right? Since iambic makes you use unstressed/stressed construction then a word with the first syllable stressed can never begin a sentence. So how about another word for "maybe" that has the unaccented syllable first? How about "per-HAPS"? means the same and follows iambic rules...let's use it! Then it gets a little more complicated, unfortunately. As I have told you, we need to say the words in our minds to realize where the accents fall....well, the same is true for phrases or groups of words. For example, "I should lock". Reading that, I and should are unaccented and lock is accented - i should LOCK. Putting an emphasis on "I" here would make no sense, therefore using these three words together will not give you the iambic form you need....so you can't use them. I can say the same for "the back door". It will normally be read "the back DOOR". Perhaps you want to emphasize "back" but will the reader read it that way? This is one of the most difficult things about meter...trying to envision how it will be read by others. As I instructed another to do once as a litmus test....read the line fast. See where the accents fall as you read it quickly and you will discover most of the time how another will read it. Here there is too much of a possibility that it will be read "the back DOOR" which will throw off the rythym...so don't use it. Find something else. That is the most fun part about poetry there is....millions of words to choose from, millions of ways to say things, all spread out before us like a gigantic crossword puzzle waiting to see how well we can put them together....nad when one piece of the puzzle doesn't fit well, we find another that will! It can be really exhilarating to find them, don't you think?? OK, I'm a little nutsy on the subject, I know, but, for those of us without a life, it can be a lot of fun  Anyway back to the line in question, we will change "maybe" for "perhaps", get rid of "i should LOCK" and "the back DOOR". How about.... "Perhaps I'll lock the kitchen door" ? Works for me! "then HE will be GOOD like be-FORE" obviously not iambic with "will be" and "like be-" together as unstressed syllables. Also the phrases (will be GOOD) and (like be-FORE) together. Under other circumstances, this sentence would be good because it does follow another form but, since we are striving for perfect iambic here, we must change them. How about... "and make him good just like before" ? So we have.. The time he doesn't seem to know So late his face he always shows Perhaps I'll lock the kitchen door And make him good just like before. That's acceptable.. Anyway, Smartchick, I'm just rambling here, trying to show how my mind works when constructing in iambic. Hopefully it helps and doesn't confuse you. You did an excellent job. Your syllable count per line was perfect....that is very important because it allows one to make any minor changes necessary. I am overwhelmingly proud of your progress. As you said, you're not a quitter. I believe you...try one more and we will move on  |
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SmartChick Member Rara Avis
since 2001-09-23
Posts 7081On A Journey To The Unknown |
Gee Balladeer, I thought I was the only one who doesn't have a life! Thank you for your kind comment. I'm glad I put a smile on your face. I will give it another try. Maybe I will even get it right. |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
SweetSuzieQ~ I so proud of the strides you are making~ You are tenacious !!! Watch that Balladeer ... he's good at 'picking the locks on those doors'~  *Hugs* ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Life? What's a life?... We can all just sit and write some iambics... You really are working hard on this, Sue..  |
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