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A home without a wall, |
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| Poetry Workshop |
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Love's Opus #1 (Spenserian Sonnet) |
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Sally S. Senior Member
since 1999-06-07
Posts 847Ohio 
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A whispered note, he gently plays his song. A proud musician bound to take control Of how this passion's flair stays staunch and strong And how he claims my half makes him a whole. Melodic song he plays, contented plea. A ballad from his soul, he begs I trust In all we feel inside, not what eyes see, For love proclaimed, not merely harbored lust. A forte cry, the beating heart ensues. Concerto not the piece he has in mind. Nocturne duet in sleepless night pursues And strike the chords as souls become entwined. Piano soft becoming love's prelude. Two hearts conjoined, much more than interlude. (Not entirely pleased with this..the da/DUMS got me too! Any suggestions???) [This message has been edited by Sally S. (edited 11-11-1999).] [This message has been edited by Sally S. (edited 11-11-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Sally - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Hi there! Did someone here ask for suggestions?  First off, I find it necessary to point out that there has been a little mistake here, but I am unsure as to whether it is in your topic line or simply a misunderstanding of the chosen format. What you have written here is a Shakespearean sonnet -- not a Spenserian. If it were in fact a Spenserian, the rhyme would "carry forward" from stanza to stanza. The rhyme scheme is as follows: Lines 1 & 3 rhyme, lines 2,4,5 & 7 rhyme, lines 6,8,9 & 11 rhyme, lines 10 and 12 rhyme, and finally the finishing couplet, lines 13 and 14, rhyme. (These things are a pain in the butt to write -- trust me, I know!) So, now that we know what you didn't write, let's get to what you did write -- a lovely Shakespearean sonnet. I really enjoyed the theme that you developed here; the utilization of the musical terms in your lines blended the dual ideas of love and music beautifully. There were a few minor stumbles in the meter here and there, but nothing I would consider overly distracting. If you'd like a more in-depth discourse regarding a few areas where you might be able to clean up the meter, feel free to email me or look me up on ICQ. Not bad at all, Sally! --Kess |
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Sally S. Senior Member
since 1999-06-07
Posts 847Ohio |
Thank you for the correction, Kess. My little error there. I wrote down both formats and somehow confused the two. Can't tell this is my first sonnet, huh? LOL Still wondering about the meter..~sigh~. I guess I'll have to work on it a bit more. Thanks again for the compliments and the correction. |
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Ohme Senior Member
since 1999-07-17
Posts 816Texas |
Sally, I like the poem a lot. Liked the combination of love and music. Just a beginner here but I think you did a great job. |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Sally, this is absolutely wonderful. Not only did you creat a beautiful sonnet but also a wonderful symphony of words Applauds!!------------------ Alis volat propriis (She flies with her own wings) |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
The theme of this is quite creative, Sally ... I am jealous!  OK, just a few little details I noticed here ... first, there are a few spelling errors: Line 1: "gently" Line 11: "pursues" Now, as to the meter, you have done a marvelous job; however, there are two lines that I found a bit awkward due to the phrasing: "Of how this passion's flair stays steadfast strong" The end of this line is a bit of a mouthful to read; "steadfast" is not really a "flowing" word because it contains two relatively hard consonant sounds -- the "d" and the "t". Thus, there is a natural pause which occurs when it is read aloud, which disrupts the rhythm of the line. Perhaps "sure and strong" might be an adequate substitute? Read them both out loud and see what you think. I hesitated when reading the next line, as well: "And how he claims my half's what makes him whole" Though "half's" is indeed the correct possessive form of "half," I feel that the line would flow more smoothly if you could eliminate it. Consider: "And how he claims my half makes him a whole" Overall, however, you have done an excellent job here ... especially if this is your first attempt at a sonnet. I applaud you. Nocht [This message has been edited by Nochtdraco (edited 11-11-1999).] |
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Sally S. Senior Member
since 1999-06-07
Posts 847Ohio |
Thank you all for the compliments and suggestions. Now, the hard part...waiting for the teacher. LOL Nocht, thank you for the pointers...much appreciated and taken!!  |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Wonderful Sally. Love it. : ) |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Sally, don't tell my kids at school, but I'm really quite a pushover... easy, even.. It looks to me like your cohorts here have made some pretty darned good suggestions, and that you've fine tuned this work pretty well without me... You've got your rhyme scheme, meter, and theme development in good order... What I like about this work is the way you've intertwined the emotions of love with music and made them one. Your reader feels the ebb and flow of a melody along with the art of making love..... My favorite lines are: "A ballad from his soul, he begs I trust In all we feel inside, not what eyes see," This is really a very nice first sonnet, Sally... |
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Sally S. Senior Member
since 1999-06-07
Posts 847Ohio |
Thank you, Nan. Whew..glad this is over! LOL I did want to point something out for those who may not be into music lingo. It was brought to my attention the line... "Concerto not the piece he has in mind."... could be interpreted as "major sexual overtone" Well, the term concerto means a "musical piece for soloists". The line immediately following is..."Nocturne duet in sleepless night persues" This refers to a "night song" or "serenade". (Picture a lover singing to his love beneath her window in the night..ya, that's it! And she, singing her response to him.) That's what those lines mean. WHEW!!!! I'm a good girl, I am. Most of the time. Well, some of the time anyway! Curious if anyone else thought I was being naughty with those lines?????? |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Sally this is so beautiful! Very very lovely song! No I didn't think you were being naughty! This is such a musical piece! Very well done! ------------------ Denise |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Sally - I wish I were as conversant in musical terms as you - Wordplays are my favorite.... and I knew it was all there, but I can't appreciate it fully without a course at Julliard...... That's the beauty of poetry... Expressing yourself between the lines...Nice job!! |
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