Well here goes nothing...lol

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Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

0 posted 1999-11-06 10:51 PM

As seasons battle for foot hold,
the snow quietly falls enmass.
For days it gathered wet and cold,
As shovels push, we pray for grass.
The sun comes out and starts to shine,
temperatures rise, so sublime.
As bows and limbs creak and whine,
the fight persists, drips keep time.
The thaw of that which has yet froze.
We struggle through the first big snow.
It is the time, our last repose.
As warm and cold clash, this I know.
The warmth will win this one last battle.
But winter soon will be in saddle.

Munda
Member Elite

since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

1 posted 1999-11-07 04:41 AM

For a "dried up" brain, you're doing very well ! : ) Didn't Nan mention something about the rhythm going like: da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM ? Looks like a 10 beat to me. : ) Please, don't ask about the da's and DUM's...I haven't got a clue ! : ) Great start Marilyn !

Ohme
Senior Member

since 1999-07-17

Posts 816
Texas

2 posted 1999-11-07 09:29 AM

Hi, Marilyn. I have written one sonnet in my life. So, as a beginner all I can say is I like your poem.

Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

3 posted 1999-11-07 08:17 PM

Munda...the meter is supposed to be iambic...ummm I tried..lol. The beats are not perfect. First line counts 7, the next 8...I tried for an even 8 throughout but didn't quiet make it. I am not at all happy with this piece. Help me!!..lol

Munda
Member Elite

since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

4 posted 1999-11-08 08:13 PM

Marilyn, please e-mail me whenever you feel like. It was a pleasure to talk to you. : )

RobertB
Senior Member

since 1999-09-26

Posts 1104
Champaign, IL

5 posted 1999-11-08 09:24 PM

wow Marilyn....you did it. I am so proud of you!! This is so neat huh? Huh? HUH?????

:-}

Robert

------------------
if you can dream; you can fly...if you are flying; you are dreaming.

Skyfyre
Senior Member

since 1999-08-15

Posts 1906
Sitting in Michael's Lap

6 posted 1999-11-08 10:23 PM

Marilyn: before I begin, I would like to state for the record that this is a lovely and well-constructed poem.

It is not, however, a sonnet.

First: Syllable count. You alternate between 7 and 8 syllables per line, rather than the traditional (and I believe requisite) 10 of a sonnet.

Second: Meter. Again, 'tis tradition for sonnets to be written in iambic pentameter; five feet (10 syllables) with a soft/stressed (iambic) rhythm. While some deviations from the meter (but not the syllable count) might be expected, there are too many here to allow it to qualify as a traditional sonnet.

Third: (this is just a little one) Line two, I believe the words you were looking for were "en masse." (same number of syllables, just two words and that darned silent 'e' on the end).

Just as an example, so that you can get a "feel" for the rhythm, I have taken the liberty of adapting your first stanza to iambic pentameter (forgive me?):

As seasons battle for precarious hold,
The silent snow falls quietly, en masse.
For endless days it gathered, wet and cold --
As tired shovels push, we pray for grass.

I do not expect you to rewrite it this way, of course; I only hope the example helped a bit.

Again, there is nothing wrong with the poem; it is simply not a sonnet as written. No hard feelings?

Nocht

[This message has been edited by Nochtdraco (edited 11-08-1999).]

Skyfyre
Senior Member

since 1999-08-15

Posts 1906
Sitting in Michael's Lap

7 posted 1999-11-09 09:40 AM

LOL -- yet again I have to follow that old windbag, Nocht, who hogs up all the critiques!

(Hope she doesn't live nearby -- LOL)

Marilyn, you have a great poem here, but Nocht was right when she said it wasn't a sonnet. My suggestion would be to keep this one just as it is, and write something else that follows the form -- I have found that it is often difficult to "force" an already-written poem to conform to another meter. If you do decide to adapt this to pentameter, however, feel free to email me with any questions -- I'd be glad to help!

--Kess

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius

since 1999-07-05

Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA

8 posted 1999-11-09 12:09 PM

I agree with Nocht and Skyfire on this one. Although a good poem, it doesn't follow the format of a sonnet. A sonnet is one type of poem that adheres to a very strick format, that probably makes it a bit harder to write than some of the looser formats we've tried so far.
Just work on your syllable count and meter and you'll have it

------------------
Alis volat propriis
(She flies with her own wings)

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

9 posted 1999-11-13 07:44 AM

OK, Marilyn - Let's see what we can do to make this into a sonnet - That's what we're here for, Yes?? I don't want to rewrite a lovely poem either, but I'll make some suggestions that would make it a proper sonnet. Take them or leave them - It's your poem, so it's your choice...

as-PASS/ing-SEA/sons-BAT/tle-TO/take-HOLD,
the-WIN/ter-SNOW/falls-QUI/et-LY/en-MASSE.
for-MAN/y-DAYS/it-GATH/ers-WET/and-COLD,
while-PUSH/ing-SHO/vels-WE/all-PRAY/for-GRASS.
for-WHEN/The-SUN/comes-OUT/and-STARTS/to-SHINE,
and-TEM/p'ra-TURES/are-RIS/ing-SO/sub-LIME.
as-BEND/ing-BOWS/and-LIMBS/do-CREAK/and-WHINE,
the-FIGHT/per-SISTS/and-DRIPS/are-KEEP/ing-TIME.
through-OUT/the-THAW/of-THAT/which-HAS/yet-FROZE.
we-STRUG/gle-THROUGH/the-SEA/son's-FIRST/big-SNOW.
it-IS/the-TIME/for-ONE/more-LAST/re-POSE.
As-WARM/and-COLD/do-CLASH/of-THIS/i-KNOW;
that-WARMTH/will-WIN/this-ONE/fi-NAL/bat-TLE,
but-WIN/ter-SOON/will-BE/in-THE/sad-DLE.

There are a couple of added syllables to adjust to iambic pentameter, but the words "battle" and "saddle" are really inherently trochaic - If you listen to them in your mind, you'll naturally hear them as 'BAT-tle' and 'SAD-dle' - Putting them into an iambic framework really doesn't sound right, to me at least. You might want to consider changing your final couplet....
Anyway, there you have a sonnet - and Nancy wishing for SUMMER!!

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