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Untitled (help appreciated) Spenserian sonnet?
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Untitled (help appreciated) Spenserian sonnet? |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap 
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The sun dips lower in the frozen sky, Nigh impotent against pervading gray -- For naught but frigid light does she supply, On this most shadowed spectre of a day. We watch her path, as though 'twould evening stay, A mist of frosted breath about our heads; The crunch of steps, and hiss of sliding sleigh The only sounds in fields of silent dead. The sun descends in veils of gold and red, As though she bled her life into the clouds -- She gilds the snows until her soul has fled -- And twilight's blue becomes her funeral shroud. Through mounting dark, and Winter's icy sting, We hurry home to dreams of verdant Spring. ------------------ "Nunc lento sonitu dicunt, morierus" (Now as I hear this bell tolling softly for another, it says to me, "Thou must die.") [This message has been edited by Nochtdraco (edited 11-08-1999).] [This message has been edited by Nochtdraco (edited 11-08-1999).] [This message has been edited by Nochtdraco (edited 11-09-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Linda Anderson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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RobertB Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104Champaign, IL |
I like that very much. We both have the word specter in our sonnets!!! Robert ------------------ if you can dream; you can fly...if you are flying; you are dreaming. |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
This poem made me shiver -- which is no small thing, given that I live in Florida. The imagery you have here frankly jumps off the page -- some of my favorite examples are: "On this most shadowed specter of a day" "A mist of frosted breath about our heads" "The crunch of steps, and hiss of sliding sleigh" (There was alliteration in that one, too) and last, but not least: "And twilight's blue becomes her funeral shroud" I like this much! The only teensy, weensy little detail that might bear commenting on is that you use "The sun" to begin both the first and ninth lines -- but overall, it really isn't a big problem. (Had to find something to critique -- LOL -- sorry) --Kess |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
This is beautifully stated and it has some excellent lines in it. A few I wish I'd written  I did find myself stumbling time and again on one line when reading it outload, perhaps my pronunciations rather than an actual flaw in the meter, but I guess maybe someone else can shed some light for us on it. Here's the line: "Nigh impotent 'gainst all-pervading gray --" ------------------ Alis volat propriis (She flies with her own wings) |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Thank you hoot, I have taken your advice and I agree, 'twas an awkward line. Nocht [This message has been edited by Nochtdraco (edited 11-09-1999).] |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
No comment from me, just a WOW. : ) |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Geesh - Leave these people to their own devices for a couple of days - and looky what we get.... Awesome work for sure... This is wonderful work - Once we've got the theme, meter and rhyme schemes in order, then we've got to concentrate on imagery.. You surely did do that!! Your use of personification is exceptional. My favorite is: "The sun descends in veils of gold and red, As though she bled her life into the clouds" Oh yeah - Onomatopoeia too - "hissing and crunching" I wish I'd written this!! |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Ah, me likes the read much better now well done ! |
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Sally S. Senior Member
since 1999-06-07
Posts 847Ohio |
Hey, I'd give it an "A"!!! Nice work! |
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