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First try at English sonnet, Unfaithful Love
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First try at English sonnet, Unfaithful Love |
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Ohme Senior Member
since 1999-07-17
Posts 816Texas |
Unfaithful Love The dark of night crept slowly from the east and told of mysteries in quiet song that spoke of love and laughter at a feast the forest would enjoy all evening long. But night embraced the chill of humid air that left the forest cloaked in sorrows sea. The treachery of love now brought despair and tears, the only wine, would ever be. The forest wept through out the dark of night until it knew the pain would be undone. Remembering the twilight's silver light, and salutations of the evening sun gave promise that with dawn it would return to dry the tears of dew upon the fern. OK, Nan, I'm waiting for report card. Does bribery help get me a better grade? [This message has been edited by Ohme (edited 11-04-1999).] [This message has been edited by Ohme (edited 11-04-1999).] [This message has been edited by Ohme (edited 11-11-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Lorene Meadows - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Okay, what's with everyone wanting to break the beautiful form of a sonnet up into stanzas? Sonnets are noted for their compactness, you lose that when you break it up into stanzas like this. Actually Ohme, looking good here for your first one, hope I do as well. ------------------ Alis volat propriis |
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Ohme Senior Member
since 1999-07-17
Posts 816Texas |
Oops. Thanks for pointing that out, Hoot. I was so concerned over everything else, I failed to notice. Got that fixed before Nan graded it! |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Bribery will get you everywhere....  Anyway - this is truly a job well done.. I was hoping more people would have comments over the weekend.... As Brad said - "When does the discussion begin?" You've developed a great theme - LOL - Except that I don't have any forest to the east of me - only the great Atlantic... no matter - it works for 90% of us..  You iambic pentameter is totally intact, and your rhyme scheme is classic Shakespearean - What's to complain about?? Your imagery is absolutely wonderful - You've incorporated some great personification into just about every line of your sonnet. I think my very favorite of you lines is the opener - As far as critique goes?? I wonder if you intended to say "sorrow's sea" - and I might spell "through out" as "throughout". The only line that doesn't seem to flow totally smoothly for me is "and tears the only wine would ever be.".... All in all, a stupendous job...!! |
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RobertB Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104Champaign, IL |
very good ohme. I love the line "and tears the only wine would ever be" that is beautiful. Robert OH OH OH and the one about the sun's salutations!!! |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
This was a joy to read ... loved it! Only two, tiny details that stuck out to me: Line 9: "throughout" should be one word; Line 6: "sorrow's" is the possessive form, which I believe was what you wanted. OK, now my two favorite phrases (can't decide which is better): "Salutations of the evening sun" and "Dry the tears of dew upon the fern" Absolutely brilliant, Ohme! Nocht |
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Ohme Senior Member
since 1999-07-17
Posts 816Texas |
Thanks, Nan. Oh my goodness, I think I got a passing grade and I don't have any one to sign my report card!!!! And of course I appreciate the info to make it grammatically correct. Robert, I wondered if I needed to put commas in the line and tears, the only wine, would ever be. Nocht, thanks for your reply. and I will make the corrections! |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
If I were grading, you'd definately get an A ------------------ Alis volat propriis (She flies with her own wings) |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
The commas do it for me..... |
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Ohme Senior Member
since 1999-07-17
Posts 816Texas |
Thanks, Nan. Will make that correction as well. Thanks for the A Hoot. ------------ Lorene [This message has been edited by Ohme (edited 11-11-1999).] |
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Sally S. Senior Member
since 1999-06-07
Posts 847Ohio |
This is TERRIBLE....how good it is, I mean. You know, I think I better keep my day job!  Loved the imagery in this...wonderful. |
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