First try at English sonnet, Unfaithful Love

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Ohme
Senior Member

since 1999-07-17

Posts 816
Texas

0 posted 1999-11-03 08:08 PM

Unfaithful Love

The dark of night crept slowly from the east
and told of mysteries in quiet song
that spoke of love and laughter at a feast
the forest would enjoy all evening long.
But night embraced the chill of humid air
that left the forest cloaked in sorrows sea.
The treachery of love now brought despair
and tears, the only wine, would ever be.
The forest wept through out the dark of night
until it knew the pain would be undone.
Remembering the twilight's silver light,
and salutations of the evening sun

gave promise that with dawn it would return
to dry the tears of dew upon the fern.

OK, Nan, I'm waiting for report card. Does bribery help get me a better grade?

[This message has been edited by Ohme (edited 11-04-1999).]

[This message has been edited by Ohme (edited 11-04-1999).]

[This message has been edited by Ohme (edited 11-11-1999).]

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius

since 1999-07-05

Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA

1 posted 1999-11-03 10:09 PM

Okay, what's with everyone wanting to break the beautiful form of a sonnet up into stanzas? Sonnets are noted for their compactness, you lose that when you break it up into stanzas like this.
Actually Ohme, looking good here for your first one, hope I do as well.

------------------
Alis volat propriis

Ohme
Senior Member

since 1999-07-17

Posts 816
Texas

2 posted 1999-11-04 06:26 AM

Oops. Thanks for pointing that out, Hoot.
I was so concerned over everything else, I failed to notice. Got that fixed before Nan graded it!

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

3 posted 1999-11-08 08:30 PM

Bribery will get you everywhere....

Anyway - this is truly a job well done.. I was hoping more people would have comments over the weekend.... As Brad said - "When does the discussion begin?"

You've developed a great theme - LOL - Except that I don't have any forest to the east of me - only the great Atlantic... no matter - it works for 90% of us..

You iambic pentameter is totally intact, and your rhyme scheme is classic Shakespearean - What's to complain about??

Your imagery is absolutely wonderful - You've incorporated some great personification into just about every line of your sonnet. I think my very favorite of you lines is the opener -
"The dark of night crept slowly from the east"

As far as critique goes?? I wonder if you intended to say "sorrow's sea" - and I might spell "through out" as "throughout". The only line that doesn't seem to flow totally smoothly for me is "and tears the only wine would ever be."....

All in all, a stupendous job...!!

RobertB
Senior Member

since 1999-09-26

Posts 1104
Champaign, IL

4 posted 1999-11-08 09:27 PM

very good ohme. I love the line "and tears the only wine would ever be" that is beautiful.

Robert

OH OH OH and the one about the sun's salutations!!!

Skyfyre
Senior Member

since 1999-08-15

Posts 1906
Sitting in Michael's Lap

5 posted 1999-11-08 10:02 PM

This was a joy to read ... loved it! Only two, tiny details that stuck out to me:

Line 9: "throughout" should be one word;

Line 6: "sorrow's" is the possessive form, which I believe was what you wanted.

OK, now my two favorite phrases (can't decide which is better):

"Salutations of the evening sun"
and
"Dry the tears of dew upon the fern"

Absolutely brilliant, Ohme!

Nocht

Ohme
Senior Member

since 1999-07-17

Posts 816
Texas

6 posted 1999-11-08 10:46 PM

Thanks, Nan. Oh my goodness, I think I got a passing grade and I don't have any one to sign my report card!!!!
And of course I appreciate the info to make it grammatically correct.

Robert, I wondered if I needed to put commas in the line
and tears, the only wine, would ever be.

Nocht, thanks for your reply. and I will make the corrections!

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius

since 1999-07-05

Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA

7 posted 1999-11-09 12:18 PM

If I were grading, you'd definately get an A

------------------
Alis volat propriis
(She flies with her own wings)

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

8 posted 1999-11-10 07:39 PM

The commas do it for me.....

Ohme
Senior Member

since 1999-07-17

Posts 816
Texas

9 posted 1999-11-11 10:19 AM

Thanks, Nan. Will make that correction as well.

Thanks for the A Hoot.
------------
Lorene

[This message has been edited by Ohme (edited 11-11-1999).]

Sally S.
Senior Member

since 1999-06-07

Posts 847
Ohio

10 posted 1999-11-11 11:17 PM

This is TERRIBLE....how good it is, I mean. You know, I think I better keep my day job!

Loved the imagery in this...wonderful.

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