Forest of Dreams - Pantoum

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Munda
Member Elite

since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

0 posted 2002-03-16 03:46 PM

Yep, another rewrite of something "old". I'm not completely happy with it though. All suggestions will be very welcome.

Forest of Dreams

Among your mighty trees my spirit's found true liberty,
My sanctuary found within the boundaries of life,
In wandering your mystic land of spellbound fantasy,
Enchanted by pure magic to enlighten inner strife.

My sanctuary found within the boundaries of life,
The gift regained to see the world with eyes as of a child,
Enchanted by pure magic to enlighten inner strife,
A glance at immortality to change my views to mild.

The gift regained to see the world with eyes as of a child,
By flying on the mighty wind of dreams and make believe,
A glance at immortality to change my views to mild,
While riding with the Unicorns from early morn till eve.

By flying on the mighty wind of dreams and make believe,
New wisdom found within the dragon's truthful golden eyes,
While riding with the Unicorns from early morn till eve,
Inside the faded mysteries of Avalon arise.

New wisdom found within the dragon's truthful golden eyes,
The veil - concealing life - now lifted from my blinded sight;
Inside the faded mysteries of Avalon arise,
Old lessons learned anew in seeking truth within the light.

The veil - concealing life - now lifted from my blinded sight,
In wandering your mystic land of spellbound fantasy;
Old lessons learned anew in seeking truth within the light,
Among your mighty trees my spirit's found true liberty.

Munda

Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant

since 2001-05-07

Posts 5182
Netherlands

1 posted 2002-03-16 07:58 PM

I think this is great, couldn't find anything that needed changing, but then....who am I.

Beautiful pantoum

Titia

A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess...
Check out my new website: lookheretitia.fcpages.com (I didn't 'link' this, so it won't take too much space).I

Bridget Shenachie
Senior Member

since 2002-01-23

Posts 1056
Kansas USA

2 posted 2002-03-16 11:24 PM

Oh Munda, this is so beautiful. It's through our dreams that we have the vision to make life better. You said that so well in your poem. It's so wonderful to read your poetry in these pages. Love your writing!

I had this suggestion for your line:
"A glance at immortality to change my views to mild."
might be:
A glance at immortality for a vision divinely styled.
Just a thought--if it isn't helpful--forget it. I'm not polished with meter so it might not work for you.

This is a truly beautiful poem just the way it is.

Shenachie

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2002-03-18 04:12 PM

I love this one. Are you really telling the truth that English is your second language?

Pete

[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (03-18-2002 04:14 PM).]

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

4 posted 2002-03-19 09:24 PM

I like the part about a veil...I was looking for some inspiration, and I do believe I've found it! Thank you Munda...for your marvelous grasp on both languages!

Casidy
Junior Member

since 2002-01-27

Posts 36
The Heart of Texas

5 posted 2002-03-21 12:18 PM

I really love this one... I sent you an email Munda

Munda
Member Elite

since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

6 posted 2002-03-21 03:37 PM

Thank you very kindly Titia.

Who are you? LOL A Dutch Lady who happens to be as crazy as I for wanting to write in English!

"A glance at immortality for a vision divinely styled." Thank you Bridget! Why didn't I think of that? I'll keep it in mind while working on my (hopefully) last rewrite.

Ahum Pete... you have me blushing! Thank you!

Ahhhh Sunshine, it's a great feeling when some of my words inspire another poet. Thank you!

Casidy, thank you for your email. It means a lot to me.

Thank you.

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

7 posted 2002-03-23 07:22 AM

LOL - What Pete said.. You know the one - He says he's "Not a Poet".. No wonder he'd question others, eh?

Ya know, dear Munda - This is exceptional.. and your iambic heptameter is flawless.. You know that too

C'est magnifique...

Just thought I'd toss another language in for good measure..

Dr.Moose1
Member Elite

since 1999-09-05

Posts 3448
Bewilderment , USA

8 posted 2002-03-31 08:27 AM

Munda,
Good stuff. As with the comments I made about Pete's, your phrasing seems to take some of the monotony out of the repitiion.
Not an easy thing to do.
Doc

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