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Bridget Shenachie
Senior Member

since 2002-01-23

Posts 1056
Kansas USA

0 posted 2002-03-06 12:22 PM

Come What May – A Pantoum

The world turns completely around
in the passing of a day.
With that thought may truth be found,
in living come what may.

In the passing of a day,
the appearance of a failure,
in living come what may,
can be a success ready to mature.

The appearance of a failure,
at the risk of sounding banal,
can be a success ready to mature.
The failure is not final.

At the risk of sounding banal,
Your enemy can be your friend.
The failure is not final.
Differences may accept and mend.

Your enemy can be your friend.
Apparent loss may be your gain.
Differences may accept and mend.
Confusion clears and is plain.

Apparent loss may be your gain.
With that thought may truth be found.
Confusion clears and is plain.
The world turns completely around.

--Shenachie
5 March 2002

Casidy
Junior Member

since 2002-01-27

Posts 36
The Heart of Texas

1 posted 2002-03-07 04:25 PM

Such a positive message ;-)

Thank you for posting... very well written..

Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant

since 2001-05-07

Posts 5182
Netherlands

2 posted 2002-03-07 07:49 PM

you're good!!! I like it a lot and you meet all the requirements.

Titia

A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess...
Check out my new website: lookheretitia.fcpages.com (I didn't 'link' this, so it won't take too much space).I

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

3 posted 2002-03-07 08:52 PM

Having fun yet?

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

4 posted 2002-03-09 07:51 PM

You've developed a great theme, Bridget - and your rhyme scheme is nicely intact.. You've alternated long and short lines, which adds another dimension as well... Isn't this fun?... I'm so glad you're here with us..

Munda
Member Elite

since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

5 posted 2002-03-10 04:01 AM

I love your theme, it's so true! Wonderful, just wonderful.

Dr.Moose1
Member Elite

since 1999-09-05

Posts 3448
Bewilderment , USA

6 posted 2002-03-14 09:51 PM

Bridget,
I am at a loss when it comes to pantoums. As I understand them, yours' is done very well.
Regardless of how busy I've become, I couldn'
t keep my nose out of class forever.
Doc

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

7 posted 2002-03-18 08:06 AM

Bridget - If you want a word by word breakdown of your meter, just ask - I'd be happy to do that for you...

Bridget Shenachie
Senior Member

since 2002-01-23

Posts 1056
Kansas USA

8 posted 2002-03-18 01:09 PM

Thanks to all of you for reading my pantoum and commenting.
Nan, I would really appreciate a word by word breakdown of the meter. It all helps.

Thanks!
Shenachie

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

9 posted 2002-03-22 01:52 PM

Hi Bridget,

I didn't mean to ignore this. I guess somehow in worrying and wondering how I was ever going to produce a pantoum, I just missed it. Nice job though. I'm really amazed at how well everyone has done with this assignment, everyone except me, that is.

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

10 posted 2002-03-23 08:58 AM

All righty then.. You asked for it... You got it..

Your meter is primarily iambic tetrameter. That's four feet of short-LONG beats per line. Ergo, I made my suggestions based on that premise to make your poem uniform... Here goes

The-WORLD/turns-com-PLETE/ly-a-ROUND --- meter slightly off
Suggestion –- the-WORLD/com-PLETE/ly-TURNS/a-ROUND
IN/the-PASS/ing-OF/a-DAY --- one foot short
Suggestion –- with-IN/the-PASS/ing-OF/a-DAY
WITH/that-THOUGHT/may-TRUTH/be-FOUND --- one foot short
Suggestion –- here-WITH/that-THOUGHT/may-TRUTH/be-FOUND
In-LIV/ing-COME/what-MAY --- one foot short
Suggestion – in-DAI/ly-LIV/ing-COME/what-MAY

In the passing of a day --- repeat
the appearance of a failure --- trochaic end rhyme (FAIL-ure)
Suggestion -- each-FAIL/ure’s-SIGHT/ap-PEAR’S/re-DRESS
(ewww, I totally rewrote that line – ignore me!)
in living come what may --- repeat
can be a success ready to mature --- Meter off and rhyme needs to correspond with changes
Suggestion – ma-TU/ri-TY/may-BRING/suc-CESS

The appearance of a failure, --- repeat
at the risk of sounding banal --- trochaic end rhyme (BAN-al)
Suggestion -- to-TAKE/the-RISK/of-SOUND/ing-BANE
can be a success ready to mature --- repeat
The failure is not final --- Trochaic end rhyme (FI/nal)
Suggestion – with-FAIL/ure-MUCH/shall-STILL/re-MAIN

At the risk of sounding banal --- repeat
Your enemy can be your friend --- perfect
The failure is not final --- repeat
Differences may accept and mend --- Meter slightly off
Suggestion – may-DIF/fer-ENCE/ac-CEPT/and-MEND

Your enemy can be your friend --- repeat
Apparent loss may be your gain --- perfect
Differences may accept and mend --- repeat
Confusion clears and is plain --- One syllable off
Suggestion -- con-FU/sion-CLEARS/and-ALL/is-PLAIN

Apparent loss may be your gain --- repeat
With that thought may truth be found --- repeat
Confusion clears and is plain --- repeat
The world turns completely around --- repeat

Here's my rendition of your poem

quote:

The world completely turns around
Within the passing of a day.
Herewith that thought may truth be found,
In daily living come what may.

Within the passing of a day,
Each failure’s sight appears redress
In daily living come what may,
Maturity may bring success

Each failure’s sight appears redress
To take the risk of sounding bane
Maturity may bring success
With failure much shall still remain

To take the risk of sounding bane
Your enemy can be your friend.
With failure much shall still remain
May difference accept and mend.

Your enemy can be your friend.
Apparent loss may be your gain.
May difference accept and mend.
Confusion clears and all is plain.

Apparent loss may be your gain.
Herewith that thought may truth be found.
Confusion clears and all is plain.
The world completely turns around.

[This message has been edited by Nan (03-23-2002 09:07 AM).]

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

11 posted 2002-03-23 04:06 PM

WOW

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

12 posted 2002-03-23 04:43 PM

I have a feeling Bridget is going to be one happy young lady when she looks at this...she loves to have someone show her how to do it write, er, right!

Bridget Shenachie
Senior Member

since 2002-01-23

Posts 1056
Kansas USA

13 posted 2002-03-24 04:03 PM

Dear Nan,

I thank you for showing how my confusion over meter can be corrected. I am so glad to be in your workshop studying poetry forms. Meter is my weakest point and I hope to improve (soon--smile!).

I certainly appreciate the time and attention that you gave to this poem. I think that you found splendid remedies to the errors and in doing so gave clarity to the words.

My sincere thanks!
Shenachie

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