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Elizabeth

Moderator

Member Ascendant

since 1999-06-07

Posts 6871
Minnesota

0 posted 2002-01-10 11:47 PM

I dreamed as I lay in my bed last night
And moonbeams softly, gently touched my face.
So glad was I the moon provided light-
The dream brought with it pain I can't erase.
My friend, you were the one I dreamt about
A happy dream, and yet it left me pain.
For you I miss, we've gone so long without
A form of contact-will we speak again?
My thoughts all day have drifted back to you
I wonder, what have you done this past year?
A friendship that one time was strong and true
Is now a memory, perhaps unclear.
To bring release from this pain bound to me
I'll write to you, and pray you'll write to me.

Any suggestions are welcome!

God bless America, my home sweet home.

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

1 posted 2002-01-11 03:46 PM

Well I thought it was wonderful, but I am the wrong one to give a suggestion. I loved the idea of it as well, as communicating is the only real resolution to just about anything.

~*~ Carpe' Diem ~*~

Duncan
Member Ascendant

since 2001-08-07

Posts 5455

2 posted 2002-01-12 01:05 AM

I'm just trying to figure this rhythm out. You've made it a bit easier. Thanks!

Munda
Member Elite

since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

3 posted 2002-01-12 06:42 AM

Elizabeth, this is great! Your theme develops nicely, the rhyme scheme is A-Ok and strictly taken your meter is fine too. Nonetheless I keep stumbling over two lines. Don't ask me why, it could be my foreign tongue. LOL

"I wonder, what have you done this past year?"
Somehow it sounds forced, may I suggest:
I wonder what you've done over the year(s)?

I'm having the same difficulty with this line:
"To bring release from this pain bound to me"
May I suggest:
To bring release from pain inside of me"?

Other than that? Great writing!

[This message has been edited by Munda (01-12-2002 06:47 AM).]

Dr.Moose1
Member Elite

since 1999-09-05

Posts 3448
Bewilderment , USA

4 posted 2002-01-12 01:20 PM

Elizabeth,
I didn't have any problems with the flow of this. It may have seemed a little dis-jointed
in those places Munda mentioned, but I took that to be part of what you were saying. I like it.
Doc

Dark Angel
Member Patricius

since 1999-08-04

Posts 10095

5 posted 2002-01-12 03:14 PM

Hi Elizabeth....

I think your sonnet is terrific and although I am not 100% up to date with metre and rhyme I think it read wonderfully.

I too, like Munda stumbled a bit with......."I wonder, what have you done this past year?"
but with Munda's suggestion ... not sure if that would change the metre....
Perhaps if you were to swap over "you" & "have" then you'd have the same metre no?

Anyway I don't stroll in here enough, though I will more often now..... I really enjoyed reading your sonnet, it flowed wonderfully to me.

Maree

Denise

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-08-22

Posts 22648

6 posted 2002-01-12 05:14 PM

Excellent, Elizabeth! Beautiful sonnet! I, too, had trouble with the meter of just those two lines. Here are my suggestions:

"What have you done, I wonder, this past year?"

"To loose the pain, regain lost harmony,"

Elizabeth

Moderator

Member Ascendant

since 1999-06-07

Posts 6871
Minnesota

7 posted 2002-01-13 10:38 PM

Thank you everyone! I'm glad you liked this. I'm not sure what I did wrong with the lines you pointed out-could you tell me how you read them? I read them as this:

I WON der WHAT have YOU done THIS past YEAR?

and

to BRING re LEASE from THIS pain BOUND to ME

Thanks for the suggestions you gave me for improvement. Denise, I like your suggestion for the second to last line! I didn't like the one I had originally posted so I'll be using the one you came up with.

Thanks again you all!

God bless America, my home sweet home.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

8 posted 2002-01-14 11:46 AM

Hi Elizabeth,

I think the more natural way to read the lines in question would be:

I WON / der WHAT / have you DONE / this past YEAR?

and

to BRING / re-LEASE / from this PAIN / bound to ME

I also had a similar problem with the first line. I keep wanting to read it as:

I DREAMED / as I LAY / in my BED / last NIGHT

I know you can read them as iambic but it seems unnatural when you do.

I really liked the idea and wording otherwise.

Thanks,
Pete

Canuckster
Member

since 2002-01-09

Posts 285
New Mexico, USA

9 posted 2002-01-15 10:23 AM

Very nice. I'd echo not a poets comment. When you read a sonnet, knowing it is a sonnet, you tend to structure it to your ear to meet what you expect. The difference between a good sonnet and a great sonnet is that you can make it fit with a good sonnet if you have the cooperation of the reader to flow as he/she expects. A great sonnet flows that way without any such understanding. The natural pronunciation of the words and phrases just falls in line and even though it fits the pattern, it still feels natural and unforced.

If I ever write one of those I'll be pleased and proud. For now I'll just take the two-faced standard of knowing what it should be without being able to hit that mark myself.

never try to teach a pig to sing
it wastes your time AND annoys the pig

[This message has been edited by Canuckster (01-15-2002 10:25 AM).]

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