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Dancing in the Night
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Dancing in the Night |
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Angel Senior Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 551Pennsylvania 
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*Help! Still have NO clue about meter! Look there! Dancing in the bleak night! Ghouls & Goblins of every kind Attempting to spread lots of fright Mischief is what they've got in mind. Ghouls & Goblins of every kind Big ones, little ones, blue ones and green Mischief is what they've got in mind Causing trouble, more than you've seen. Big ones, little ones, blue ones and green Luring little kids to come and play, Causing more trouble, more than you've seen Here, on this most magical day. Luring little kids to come and play Screaming & shreaking, as they pass Here, on this most magical magical day Yelling at each small boy & lass Screaming & shreaking as they pass Dancing up and down on the ground Yelling at each small boy & lass Spreading mischief all around Dancing up and down on the ground Look there! Dancing in the bleak of night Spreading mischief all around Attempting to spread lots of fright |
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| © Copyright 1999 Susan Acacio - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Angel, the meter in this is a little off, I'm going to give it a try here if you don't mind. I am only making a suggestion, it's your poem, take it with a grain of salt. Also you need to exchange your second and last line in the final quatrain. Look there! Dancing in the night! Ghouls & Goblins every kind Scaring people, causing fright Mischief's what they've got in mind. Ghouls & Goblins every kind Big ones, small ones, blue and green Mischief's what they've got in mind Trouble caused more than you've seen. Big ones, small ones, blue and green Luring kids to come and play, Trouble caused more than you've seen Here, on this most magic day. Luring kids to come and play Screaming, shreaking, as they pass Here, on this most magic day Yelling at each boy & lass Screaming, shreaking as they pass Dancing there upon the ground Yelling at each boy & lass Spreading mischief all around Dancing there upon the ground Scaring people, causing fright Spreading mischief all around Look there! Dancing in the night! (I don't know the all technical aspects or words for different meters. What I do is tap out the words with my hands as I speak them, soft, loud....the way the words are pronounced. If I can get a fairly good beat going, I know that the meter is pretty well intact. Give it a try with my revision and see if you can see what I mean. I hope that helps) ------------------ This is courage...to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends. ~Eurpides [This message has been edited by hoot_owl_rn (edited 10-20-1999).] |
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Angel Senior Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 551Pennsylvania |
Thanks for the help, Hoot! I think I am finally get the hang of this meter stuff. It does sound a lot better with your corrections. Thanks again  . |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Angel, no problem, you did all the work, I just ironed out the wrinkles just a bit |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Hey Angel - Sorry it's taken extra time to respond to this - My work schedule has gotten the best of me for a couple of days here - I guess that's why we made these workshops two weeks long. At any rate - Your format is in proper order, and your theme develops nicely. As far as meter goes, hoot has done a very good job of "meter-mending". I wouldn't try to improve upon it now. Do notice, though, that it deviates from strict iambic mode by adding a stressed syllable at the beginning of each line... The result is that each line looks like - LONG-short-LONG-short-LONG-short-LONG (/-/-/-/). We'll be covering meter variations in a later session, though - I just wanted to point this one out for future reference. Nice job...  |
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