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A home without a wall, |
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| Poetry Workshop |
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Pantoum by Munda |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA 
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| © Copyright 1999 Nancy Ness - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Ron hadn't had time to approve some of you, so I set up your threads for you - He's fixed it for you now, but says he deserves a spanking..... We'll save that for later.. Meanwhile here's Munda's post..  I'm not sure what to do next, so I figured I might as well submit my first attempt. I'm not sure if this is what you had in mind and I'm sort of stuck on a couple of lines. Neither am I sure if everything is correct English. Please help ! It seems everybody is asleep, or working when I am online. : ) Munda : ) Dutch Halloween A1 St. Maarten is our Halloween ! B1 11th next month kids come by A2 ‘round scolding for all to be seen B2 where lives one refusing to buy B1 11th next month kids come by C1 with sack and the most awfull face B2 where lives one refusing to buy C2 with gruesome and frightening blaze C1 with sack and the most awfull face D1 they haunt you down feeling your fears C2 with gruesome and frightening blaze D2 so you better cover your ears D1 they haunt you down feeling your fears E1 hand over all the candy you have D2 if not, better cover your ears E2 they sing you a song ‘til you’re deaf E1 hand over all the candy you have F1 ‘cause when you refuse this , "Oh my !" E2 they sing you a song til you;re deaf F2 Scrooge’s alive ! Devils come out and cry ! F1 ‘cause when you refuse this; "Oh my !" A2 ‘round scolding for all to be seen F2 Scrooge’s alive ! Devils come out and cry ! A1 St Maarten is our Halloween : ) |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
I'm very grateful that I don't have to try to write poetry in Dutch (or any other language)...NOT!! Unfortunately, I can only help you in English - my foreign language skills are buried somewhere in the dark depths of my occipital... . So, in English - Here's what I see:You've developed your theme throughout - and that's good. Your repetitions are in order, and that's good. Your meter comes closest to iambic tetrameter (four feet per line of -/-/-/-/ syllable stress pattern). I'll make my suggestions on that basis - including syntax for appropriate English grammar, of course... Dutch Halloween st-MAAR/ten-IS/our-HALL/o-WEEN e-LEV/enth-NEXT/month-KIDS/come-BY all-SCOLD/ing-'ROUND/they-SHALL/be-SEEN dare-NOT/a-SOUL/re-FUSE/to-BUY e-LEV/enth-NEXT/month-KIDS/come-BY with-SACK/and-TRU/ly-AW/ful-FACE dare-NOT/a-SOUL/re-FUSE/to-BUY with-FRIGHT/en-ING/and-grue/some-BLAZE with-SACK/and-TRU/ly-AW/ful-FACE they-HAUNT/you-DOWN/feel-ING/your-FEARS with-FRIGHT/en-ING/and-grue/some-BLAZE it's-BEST/that-YOU/cov-ER/your-EARS they-HAUNT/you-DOWN/feel-ING/your-FEARS hand-O/ver-ALL/the-TREATS/you-HAVE if-NOT/you'd-BEST/cov-ER/your-EARS they'll-SING/to-YOU/un-TIL/you’re-DEAF hand-O/ver-ALL/the-TREATS/you-HAVE ‘cause-IF/you-DARE/re-FUSE/Oh-MY they'll-SING/to-YOU/un-TIL/you’re-DEAF scrooge-IS/a-LIVE/De-VILS/will-CRY ‘cause-IF/you-DARE/re-FUSE/Oh-MY all-SCOLD/ing-'ROUND/they-SHALL/be-SEEN scrooge-IS/a-LIVE/De-VILS/will-CRY st-MAAR/ten-IS/our-HALL/o-WEEN What an interesting venture to interpret across languages - and equally a pleasure - I hope that my interpretation hasn't lost any of your intent. It does fit in proper meter this way - I wonder about the Dutch inference of "deaf" in this context? If you need more assistance - please - come back for more... |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
LOL, yes Nan, I do need more help. This is not the version I sent you in e-mail. : ) Gosh, you cracked me up with this windmill. Good thing you didn't have anything from Amsterdam. ; ) Munda : ) |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Dutch Halloween St. Maarten is our Halloween 11th next month kids come by all scolding round they shall be seen dare not a sould refuse to buy 11th next month kids come by for sweets with truly awful face dare not a soul refuse to buy with loud noise and determined pace for sweets with truly awful face they haunt you down feeding your fears with loud noise and determined pace it’s best that you cover your ears they haunt you down feeding your fears hand over all the treats you have it’s best that you cover your ears they’ll sing to you until you’re deaf hand over all the treats you have ‘cause when you dare refuse "Oh my" they’ll sing to you until you’re deaf Skinflint ! Devils come out and cry! ‘cause when you dare refuse "Oh my" all scolding ‘round they will be seen Skinflint ! Devils come out and cry ! St. Maarten is our Halloween. Ok, this is what I did. I looked at your suggestions, which are all much better than what I could come up with : ), looked at my second version and made changes. I almost copied it as you wrote it Nan, but then it wouldn't be mine anymore, so I just stole the most needed parts. LOL So, even though this version is not as good as Nan's, what you think ? ; ) |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
I like this, Munda - I love to hear about different cultures' festive days. We should do more of this sort of thing... You've put a lot of work into this - Hang around for more - We've got lots of good stuff coming up... |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Munda, this has sure progressed from the firt time I laid eyes on it, welcome to the class. |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Nan....Hoot......somebody, please help ! What am I supposed to do next ? |
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