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Lucie
Senior Member

since 1999-06-20

Posts 1077
Houston

0 posted 1999-10-20 08:22 PM

An empty house the perfect place to hide.
The hair upon my arms is standing tall.
I take a breath and slowly peek inside.
Empty halls that echo with my call.

The hair upon my arms is standing tall.
Dust that seems to hang upon the air.
Empty halls that echo with my call.
Greetings to a presence that’s not there.

Dust that seems to hang upon the air.
Spider webs that drape across the door.
Greetings to a presence that’s not there.
Not sure of why I came here anymore.

Spider webs that drape across the door.
The smell of musty carpet all around.
Not sure of why I came here anymore.
The beating of my heart the only sound.

The smell of musty carpet all around.
I strain to bring the shadows into sight.
The beating of my heart the only sound.
I shiver as the dusk turns into night.

I strain to bring the shadows into sight.
I take a breath and slowly peek inside.
I shiver as the dusk turns into night.
An empty house the perfect place to hide.

[This message has been edited by Lucie (edited 10-20-1999).]

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius

since 1999-07-05

Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA

1 posted 1999-10-20 08:54 PM

Lucie...I LOVE THIS!!! What a wonderful piece of work. Your rhyme is intact, your meter perfect with the exception of one line:

"Not remembering why I came here anymore"

Try replacing it with:
Not sure of why I came here anymore

I think that should do it for you, wonderful job!!

Lucie
Senior Member

since 1999-06-20

Posts 1077
Houston

2 posted 1999-10-20 09:15 PM

Thanks Hoot.. your right.. better..

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius

since 1999-07-05

Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA

3 posted 1999-10-20 09:57 PM

PERFECT

Nicole
Senior Member

since 1999-06-23

Posts 1835
Florida

4 posted 1999-10-20 10:38 PM

Well....since I have nothing to critique here...

I'll just add a 'very well done!'

Skyfyre
Senior Member

since 1999-08-15

Posts 1906
Sitting in Michael's Lap

5 posted 1999-10-20 10:40 PM

Oh, I am just green with envy! Perfect rhyme and meter, and a poem about Halloween to boot! No fair no fair!!

Nocht

Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

6 posted 1999-10-20 11:21 PM

what can I say Lucie? Your talent amazes me. wonderful job!

Munda
Member Elite

since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

7 posted 1999-10-23 06:19 AM

This is wonderful Lucie !

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

8 posted 1999-10-23 07:41 AM

This is certainly well done - Your theme is nicely done, and your format is well intact.
Iambic pentameter is one of the best forms of meter for writing - Ask Shakespeare...

There are a couple of spots where my mind tried to turn trochaic on you, but on re-reading, I can do it in iambs...

I love it - Nice job - Naturally...

Lucie
Senior Member

since 1999-06-20

Posts 1077
Houston

9 posted 1999-10-23 11:23 AM

Thank you all for your replies.. HA .. and I didn't think it was good.. hehe..

Nan.. Its that damn Northerner accent.. even 13 years in Texas hasn't deminished it..hehe

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