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A home without a wall, |
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| Poetry Workshop |
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Fright Night |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
In the darkness the wolves do howl. The moon is full, the witches play. The ghost's and ghoul's begin to prowl. The evil heart's enjoy the fray. The moon is full, the witches play. Cauldron's boil with fearful brews. The evil hearts enjoy the fray. To stir good hearts to darker cues. Cauldron's boil with fearful brews. An eye of nute, dragon's toenail. To stir good hearts to darker cues. They find the ones that are too frail. An eye of nute, dragon's toenail. A bat's right wing, a puppy's foot. They find the ones that are too frail. Watch them scream all covered in soot. A bat's right wing, a puppy's foot. Hopping for the dawns first rays. Watch them scream all covered in soot. The frail fall down and begin to pray. Hopping for the dawns first rays. The ghost's and ghoul's begin to prowl. The frail fall down and begin to pray. In the darkness the wolves do howl. Ok Nan.....this is a first draft. I am not totally happy with it soooooooooooo...any suggestions from anyone would be more then appreciated. [This message has been edited by Marilyn (edited 10-18-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Marilyn - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Marilyn, what a wonderful first draft, This almost read like a spell being cast. I do see a few problems with the meter that can be easily smoothed out. I'm just going to make my suggestions within the poem as there are very small things, a word left out here and there as I call it a nip and tuck. I hope you don't mind me doing it this way. In the darkness, wolves do howl. The moon is full, the witches play. The ghost's and ghoul's begin to prowl. The evil heart's enjoy the fray. The moon is full, the witches play. Cauldron's boil with fearful brews. The evil hearts enjoy the fray. To stir good hearts to darker cues. Cauldron's boil with fearful brews. An eye of nute, a dragon's nail. To stir good hearts to darker cues. They find the ones that are too frail. An eye of nute, a dragon's nail. A bat's right wing, a puppy's foot. They find the ones that are too frail. Watch them scream, covered in soot. A bat's right wing, a puppy's foot. Hopping for the dawns first rays. Watch them scream, covered in soot. The frail fall down, begin to pray. Hopping for the dawns first rays. The ghost's and ghoul's begin to prowl. The frail fall down, begin to pray. In the darkness, wolves do howl. |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
hoot...I don't mind at all the way you nipped and tucked. I knew when I began writing what I wanted and wasn't satisfied with the end result. It was written to sound like a spell being cast. I just seemed to get too caught up in syllable count to express myself the way I wanted to. Thankyou for the suggestions. |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Marilyn, you are quite welcome. It is very good  |
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DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
Excellent pantoum my dear. ------------------ Now and forever, my heart hears ~one voice~. DreamEvil© |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Thankyou so much for your comment Dream. I do so enjoy and admire your work. |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
OK, Marilyn - I'm going to work on yours without looking at the suggestions made already - cuz I want to come up with my own assessment (though you can count on hoot having some pretty darned good input). You've developed your theme, and your format is nicely intact. The meter is off in a couple of places, as you already know - Your primary meter is iambic tetrameter, and we can make that uniform - So, you're well on your way - My suggestions to fix it would be: in-DARK/of-NIGHT/the-WOLVES/do-HOWL the-MOON/is-FULL/the-WITCH/es-PLAY the-GHOSTS/and-GHOULS/be-GIN/to-PROWL the-E/vil-HEARTS/en-JOY/the-FRAY the-MOON/is-FULL/the-WITCH/es-PLAY as-CAULD/rons-BOIL/with-FEAR/ful-BREWS the-E/vil-HEARTS/en-JOY/the-FRAY to-STIR/good-HEARTS/to-DARK/er-CUES as-CAULD/rons-BOIL/with-FEAR/ful-BREWS an-EYE/of-NEWT/a-DRAG/on's-NAIL to-STIR/good-HEARTS/to-DARK/er-CUES they-FIND/the-ONES/that-ARE/too-FRAIL an-EYE/of-NEWT/a-DRAG/on's-NAIL a-BAT'S/right-WING/a-PUP/py's-FOOT they-FIND/the-ONES/that-ARE/too-FRAIL Watch-THEM/all-SCREAM/cov-ERED/in-SOOT a-BAT'S/right-WING/a-PUP/py's-FOOT all-HOP/ing-FOR/the-DAWN'S/first-RAYS Watch-THEM/all-SCREAM/cov-ERED/in-SOOT the-FRAIL/fall-DOWN/and-START/to-PRAY all-HOP/ing-FOR/the-DAWN'S/first-RAYS the-GHOSTS/and-GHOULS/be-GIN/to-PROWL the-FRAIL/fall-DOWN/and-START/to-PRAY in-DARK/of-NIGHT/the-WOLVES/do-HOWL Remember - It's your poem - Take the suggestions you like - and toss out the rest!! Nancy  [This message has been edited by Nan (edited 10-19-1999).] |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Thanks Nan....I was intending to do just that. I knew that my meter needed work but I was stuck. Counting syllables just isn't something I enjoy...LOL. I will take the suggestions and see what I can do with them. |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Ok...incorperated suggestions and this is what I liked. In dark of night the wolves do howl. The moon is full, the witches play. The ghosts and ghouls begin to prowl. The evil hearts enjoy the fray. The moon is full, the witches play. As couldron's boil with fearful brews. The evil hearts enjoy the fray. To stir good hearts to darker cues. As couldron's boil with fearful brews. An eye of Newt, a dragon's nail. To stir good hearts to darker cues. They find the ones that are too frail. An eye of Newt, a dragon's nail, A bats right wing, a puppy's foot. They find the ones that are too frail. Watch them all scream, covered in soot. A bat's right wing, a puppy's foot. All hoping for the dawn's first rays. Watch them all scream, covered in soot. The frail fall down and start to pray. All hoping for the dawn's first rays. The ghosts and ghouls begin to prowl. The frail fall down and start to pray. In dark of night the wolves do howl. |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Marilyn, I Like! |
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Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida |
I like this a lot, and I think the changes you made work very well. There is only one tiny itty-bitty nitpickey thing I noticed.. Cauldron's - The way it reads in the line, the word 'cauldron' should be plural, and not posessive. Just need to drop the apostrophe. |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Ok Nan...is this ready for the test of open#3?? |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Thanks Satiate...You snuck in here as I was posting...your rascal you!!...lol |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
It's a "go" - Just spell "cauldron" with an "a" and drop the apostrophe - Then it's a top contender... is PdV giving out stars??? |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Marilyn, I like how you changed it. Very well done. : ) |
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