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The Off-beat Path ( parts 1 , 2, & 3 ? )
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The Off-beat Path ( parts 1 , 2, & 3 ? ) |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
I write some thoughts down over here * Like magic words just re-appear I hope that they will stay in place * and lead me on a wild goose chase That is to say , I'll make this clear * As cart with no-one left to steer This moose that wasn't born to race * most likely sets it's own darn pace Yet once again it's "post" time friends * Within this race that never ends Who will the lucky winner be ? * your guess is good as mine you see Most times I'd say that would depend * which side's gone further 'round the bend with all of this insanity * Is left brain right , or vice- versy ? It's easy to get all confused * Be glad that you're not in my shoes and let the words just have their way * 'cause twice as much I have to pay Though it's my pen and hand they've used * it could be why I'm not amused They tell me what I'm going to say * before I know it anyway . They'll likely take the off-beat path * which souldn't surprise those keeping score * I know because I've done the math * when I fall short of the top floor |
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| © Copyright 2001 William E.Kleist - All Rights Reserved | |||
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Hey Dr Moose... I read this a few times and I see a few things you might want to look at, before you turn this in for marks.  Hope you don't mind nosy little me poking around at your homework.First of all, the meter was just a bit off in a few places. An example is "don't always reach to the top floor" don't always reach to the top floor? In my experience the is not accented in this case... it would read normally as "don't always reach to the top floor." Be careful that your meter is not forced, try to rearrange the words in a statement so that you get a nicer, more natural flowing meter.  Second thing would be the tie-ins of one poem to the other. "Most times I'd say that would depend and who was writing this for me" Now these lines don't exactly logically follow one another... one way to write these double poems is to write the first one first, alone... and then write the second one (the one to go to the right) as an extension using the first one as a root. Try to make every line logically fit in with the previous line in the half, as well as the previous line when combined. Just some nosy advice, this is the workshop after all and we students stick together! ~Allan Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Allan , Thanks , your assessment is welcome , and I have to agree . The examples you quoted were a bit of a stretch ( even for me ). That should dis-prove the theory that I don't have to work at these things . Actually , those two lines were re-written a few times and still bothered me a little . Back to the books . Doc |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Allan , Took your advice and did a re-write . I will maintain that the poem was technically correct , how-ever that is not why I am here . I'm here to expand . Thanks again for the input . Doc |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Now whoever said Doc makes sense? Didn't you know Allan the Doc has a Mooster degree in being illogically logic?  *Tapping my foot -- waiting for that rewrite*  Hmm, I guess I better start on my own homework!  |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Munda , The re-write is in the edited version as it appears . Any further critiques will be duly noted and assigned to their proper place ( in the over-all scheme of things to be dealt with ). You do raise an interesting point though , applied logic to an illogical situation does have some interesting side-affects . Doc |
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