»
Main Forums
»
Poetry Workshop
»
Forgotten past (Need help with this!)
| Poetry Workshop |
|
Forgotten past (Need help with this!) |
|
LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697
|
This poem will be part of my poetry series on history, but this needs a lot of improvements. Be brutal, guys!!!!!  I read of the forgotten past--A boy pulled a sward from a stone My dusty volumes fill the room--And suddenly, he?s England?s king The yellowed pages hold the words--He fell in love, and was betrayed Of men and ladies, love and doom--Of his legend, we still sing Worn letters fill the old pages--His son was longing for the throne The aged binders falling apart--The kingdom was falling apart Then hours pass and midnight strikes--The king and Excalibur strikes I have barely begun to start--But England was stabbed in the heart I wonder if these people knew--As Arthur died, I think he knew We would read of the things they do--We?d mimic the things that they do "Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli |
||
| © Copyright 2001 Erica N. - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
I love the theme LoveBug! Tomorrow I'll have some spare time and I'll see what I can do to help you. Don't expect too much though!... I'm only Dutch!  |
||
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Ok Erica, lemme take this to bits as best I know how... The first thing I'm wondering at is the meter. There were many places where it was indefinite and not exactly correct... the thing about meter is that you should say it aloud to yourself and make sure that it sounds right the first or second time you try to say it. If you get it in a few tries then the reader is going to have to do that as well, and that really corrupts the flow. I think the product is very decent, what you've come up with here is quite creative and an excellent way to portray the story. Play around with a few sentences, try to reword them so that the meter is a bit more accurate.  The second thing I'm wondering at is the ending... just in my opinion it seemed a little weak but that might just be me. Let's hear what a few more people have to say, ok? I can't wait to see the finished product! ~Allan Build a man a fire, and he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. ~Unknown [This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (edited 05-08-2001).] |
||
|
Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
For some strange reason my spare time disappeared all of a sudden.  Let me start with saying I really like what you're trying to accomplish here. I know what you're trying to do, but I'm finding it very hard to change someone elses work. I had a look at it though and made some changes mainly on the meter and only on the first lines to give you an idea. I'm sure Allan will correct me if I made mistakes.  I'm reading of forgotten past -- Excalibur pulled from a stone While dusty volumes fill my room -- And Arthur's now the latest King The yellowed pages holding words -- A tale of knightly bravery Of men and ladies - love and doom -- His myth is one we still besing Hope this helps a bit to get you started again. [This message has been edited by Munda (edited 05-12-2001).] |
||
|
Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Oops, my mind must have been asleep already when I wrote that reply! Made some corrrections though. LOL |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
