My first sonnet ever -- cleaned up

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Gene
Senior Member

since 2000-01-23

Posts 935
Colorado, USA

0 posted 2000-05-11 12:48 PM

I originally posted this in the Pub. It was my first attempt at a sonnet before I knew about meter or any other rules. Since then, I cleaned it up a bit and this is the result:

BTW, I used some archaic language because this is supposed to be a kind of prayer.
----

Not moon, nor sun, nor brightest light of day
Could ever fade thy beauty from these eyes.
Not cloud, nor gloom, nor darkest dread could wane
Or ever shroud thee from my vigil sight.
Rough seas do make a journey’s early grave,
But just one glimpse of my Love’s, calming face,
Would smooth the waves and make this mortal brave,
And, by thy hand of eye; thy beauty’s grace,
Be still the moon and blind the blinding sun.
O, by thy brilliance face; light of my love,
Make placid, rough seas and lead me upon.
Of this be thy light; thy light be my love,
     To steer me straight, so true, and guide me forth;
     O, Love of mine eyes, thou art my true north.

______

~Gene

[This message has been edited by u_gene (edited 05-11-2000).]

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

1 posted 2000-05-11 01:24 PM

Gene,

Very nice...I love archaic language, but do not use it well.

The sixth line gave me a little bit of trouble...the comma after "Love's" shouldn't be there, yet without it the meter's off.

In the tenth line, is "face" a verb or noun"? After "brilliance", it would be a verb, but somehow that doesn't fit. Brilliant, which would make "face" a noun, seems to work better for me. (JMHO)

For your first sonnet, though, this was an excellent one. I think that sonnets were truly made to be romantic, and this one is done very well in that spirit. I'd be interested in seeing sonnets you've written since. Always learning!

Kris

the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare

Gene
Senior Member

since 2000-01-23

Posts 935
Colorado, USA

2 posted 2000-05-11 01:56 PM

Kris,

Thanks for your comments. I know it's not perfect, but you should have seen the original--ARGH!

If you want to see my most recent romantic sonnet, take a look here: /pip/Forum27/HTML/001047.html

----
~Gene

Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-11-08

Posts 9269
Pennsylvania

3 posted 2000-05-11 05:29 PM

Gene,
Beautiful sonnet and beautiful thoughts

That 6th line caught me also
How about
But just one look into thy calming face

I'm also having a little trouble with the meter of the two lines starting with "Make placid", but it might just be the way I'm reading it. What do you think, Gene?
Great first sonnet!
Liz

StarrGazer
Senior Member

since 2000-03-05

Posts 679
Texas

4 posted 2000-05-11 05:43 PM

Gene, this was fantastic and romantic, I'm begining to love sonnets now that I knwo what they are and think I might give a romantic sonnet a try since most of what I write seems to be depressing ...thanks for the inspiration

Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-11-08

Posts 9269
Pennsylvania

5 posted 2000-05-16 05:49 PM

BEAUTIFUL! BEAUTIFUL SONNET!
Applauding!
I don't know what you did but it's perfect! and just lovely
Liz

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