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StarrGazer
Senior Member
since 2000-03-05
Posts 679
Texas

0 posted 2000-05-10 03:49 PM


...if at first you don't suceed try try again ... I don't know if this one is anybetter than the last one think I have some grasp on the iambic pentameter but still a little confused ...


When I do hold the heart that sinks the moon
And see the truth as stars from lovers eyes
When I behold the night that fades too soon
And clouds that reach but never touch the skies

When light no longer shines upon my soul
And dreams broken refuse to mend and heal
When black dark night again swallows me whole
In weakness my knees buckle and I kneel

When love so cruel destroys my hope of peace
And laughs at my deceptive dreams
When in despair I beg for my release
And I realize nothing is how it seems

At last you take my light away from me
When love is pain lived only in memory


[This message has been edited by StarrGazer (edited 05-11-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 Shan Crider - All Rights Reserved
Gene
Senior Member
since 2000-01-23
Posts 935
Colorado, USA
1 posted 2000-05-10 09:59 PM


Starr,

You definitely have a talent for sonnets. You write so beautifully, but...(you knew there would be a 'but' right?)   it's 99.9% perfect. The other tenth of a percent must be that southern accent of yours.  
I only see five words that I think are accented wrong:
broken, swallows and if you're gonna treat memory as two syllables, the accent would be on 'mem', but in this case, with the word at the end of the line, it might actually sound fine as three syllables. You have to play it by ear, so to speak.

The other two are in this line:
And I realize nothing is how it seems

Try this:
And realize, nothing is how it might seem

Also...a misspelled word in line 7

Otherwise, the rhyming is perfect and the rest of the meter is too. You've come a long way from your first attempt. This is a wonderful sonnet.

~Gene  



[This message has been edited by u_gene (edited 05-10-2000).]

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

2 posted 2000-05-11 12:13 PM


Starr,

I agree that this one is so very much better than the first. Good word choices and some nice images here...also a lot of emotion, both positive and negative.

The little boo-boo I noticed was in line 2 of the 3rd stanza. There are only four feet instead of five...or four da-Dums instead of five. Gene pointed out the rest.

This was extremely good for your second try. (you should have seen mine!)   It takes a bit of practice to master these 14 line guys...they can be awfully tricky.

Great job,
Kris

 the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare

StarrGazer
Senior Member
since 2000-03-05
Posts 679
Texas
3 posted 2000-05-11 05:49 PM


thanks you guys  

The little boo-boo I noticed was in line 2 of the 3rd stanza. There are only four feet instead of five...or four
          da-Dums instead of five. Gene pointed out the rest
And laughs at my deceptive dreams ... me and my typos ... this line should have read : And laughs aloud at my deceptive dreams

As for the words broken, memory, and swallows, I think perhaps you are right I didn't use a dictionary I wrote it as I would speak it and things sometimes get slurred with this Texas drawl hehe but I think I will leave this one as it is and write another one

OH no Nan look what you started hehe I'm addicted to sonnets now spend  all the time I am not writing or working looking for sonnets online I think it is becoming an obsession ... is there a Sonnet Writers Anonymous ????? LOL

Gene
Senior Member
since 2000-01-23
Posts 935
Colorado, USA
4 posted 2000-05-11 06:08 PM


Starr,

Here are a couple of great sonnet links:

Shakespeare's sonnets:
http://tech-two.mit.edu/Shakespeare/Poetry/sonnets.html

Keep in mind when you read Shakespeare's sonnets, that although the meter may seem off in a lot of them, the language was very different back then (see my reply to Warmhrt on this subject).

----

This is a link to Petrarch, the master of Italian Sonnets:
http://members.xoom.com/darsie/library/petrarch.html

----
Have fun,
~Gene


StarrGazer
Senior Member
since 2000-03-05
Posts 679
Texas
5 posted 2000-05-11 08:38 PM


     Thanks Gene      
Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269
Pennsylvania
6 posted 2000-05-14 03:34 AM


A Beautifully sad sonnet. Well written, my only comment being that I noticed the same accented words that Gene did. I could surely relate to the last line of this sonnet.
"When love is pain lived only in memory", a beautiful phrase.
Liz

StarrGazer
Senior Member
since 2000-03-05
Posts 679
Texas
7 posted 2000-05-14 10:12 PM


Liz, thanks for your comments... as for the last line of the poem ... no matter how painful memories are at least we have them, kind of a bittersweet reward for our efforts
Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA
8 posted 2000-05-17 07:01 AM


Hey StarrGazer
It looks like you've been practicing, eh??

Your presentation has certainly come along.. Your theme develops - Your rhyme scheme is intact - and - Your meter is almost there.. I took the liberty of juxtaposing a few words and taken a nip and tuck - to schmooozzzz the flow a bit - See what you think - and remember - They're just suggestions.  It's your poem..

"When I do hold the heart that sinks the moon
And see the truth as stars from lovers' eyes
When I behold the night that fades too soon
And clouds that reach but never touch the skies

When light no longer shines upon my soul
And broken dreams refuse to mend and heal
By black dark night again I'm swallowed whole
In weakness my knees buckle and I kneel

When love so cruel destroys my hope of peace
And mocks and laughs at my deceptive dreams
When in despair I beg for my release
And realize that nothing's how it seems

At last you take my light away from me
When love is pain, no more than memory

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