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Attempt#2 @ Sonnet
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Attempt#2 @ Sonnet |
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StarrGazer Senior Member
since 2000-03-05
Posts 679Texas 
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...if at first you don't suceed try try again ... I don't know if this one is anybetter than the last one think I have some grasp on the iambic pentameter but still a little confused ... When I do hold the heart that sinks the moon And see the truth as stars from lovers eyes When I behold the night that fades too soon And clouds that reach but never touch the skies When light no longer shines upon my soul And dreams broken refuse to mend and heal When black dark night again swallows me whole In weakness my knees buckle and I kneel When love so cruel destroys my hope of peace And laughs at my deceptive dreams When in despair I beg for my release And I realize nothing is how it seems At last you take my light away from me When love is pain lived only in memory [This message has been edited by StarrGazer (edited 05-11-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Shan Crider - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Gene Senior Member
since 2000-01-23
Posts 935Colorado, USA |
Starr, You definitely have a talent for sonnets. You write so beautifully, but...(you knew there would be a 'but' right?)  it's 99.9% perfect. The other tenth of a percent must be that southern accent of yours.  I only see five words that I think are accented wrong: broken, swallows and if you're gonna treat memory as two syllables, the accent would be on 'mem', but in this case, with the word at the end of the line, it might actually sound fine as three syllables. You have to play it by ear, so to speak. The other two are in this line: And I realize nothing is how it seems Try this: And realize, nothing is how it might seem Also...a misspelled word in line 7 Otherwise, the rhyming is perfect and the rest of the meter is too. You've come a long way from your first attempt. This is a wonderful sonnet. ~Gene [This message has been edited by u_gene (edited 05-10-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Starr, I agree that this one is so very much better than the first. Good word choices and some nice images here...also a lot of emotion, both positive and negative. The little boo-boo I noticed was in line 2 of the 3rd stanza. There are only four feet instead of five...or four da-Dums instead of five. Gene pointed out the rest. This was extremely good for your second try. (you should have seen mine!) It takes a bit of practice to master these 14 line guys...they can be awfully tricky.Great job, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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StarrGazer Senior Member
since 2000-03-05
Posts 679Texas |
thanks you guys The little boo-boo I noticed was in line 2 of the 3rd stanza. There are only four feet instead of five...or four da-Dums instead of five. Gene pointed out the rest And laughs at my deceptive dreams ... me and my typos ... this line should have read : And laughs aloud at my deceptive dreams As for the words broken, memory, and swallows, I think perhaps you are right I didn't use a dictionary I wrote it as I would speak it and things sometimes get slurred with this Texas drawl hehe but I think I will leave this one as it is and write another one OH no Nan look what you started hehe I'm addicted to sonnets now spend all the time I am not writing or working looking for sonnets online I think it is becoming an obsession ... is there a Sonnet Writers Anonymous ????? LOL |
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Gene Senior Member
since 2000-01-23
Posts 935Colorado, USA |
Starr, Here are a couple of great sonnet links: Shakespeare's sonnets: http://tech-two.mit.edu/Shakespeare/Poetry/sonnets.html Keep in mind when you read Shakespeare's sonnets, that although the meter may seem off in a lot of them, the language was very different back then (see my reply to Warmhrt on this subject). ---- This is a link to Petrarch, the master of Italian Sonnets: http://members.xoom.com/darsie/library/petrarch.html ---- Have fun, ~Gene |
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StarrGazer Senior Member
since 2000-03-05
Posts 679Texas |
Thanks Gene |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
A Beautifully sad sonnet. Well written, my only comment being that I noticed the same accented words that Gene did. I could surely relate to the last line of this sonnet. "When love is pain lived only in memory", a beautiful phrase. Liz |
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StarrGazer Senior Member
since 2000-03-05
Posts 679Texas |
Liz, thanks for your comments... as for the last line of the poem ... no matter how painful memories are at least we have them, kind of a bittersweet reward for our efforts |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Hey StarrGazer It looks like you've been practicing, eh?? Your presentation has certainly come along.. Your theme develops - Your rhyme scheme is intact - and - Your meter is almost there.. I took the liberty of juxtaposing a few words and taken a nip and tuck - to schmooozzzz the flow a bit - See what you think - and remember - They're just suggestions. It's your poem..  "When I do hold the heart that sinks the moon And see the truth as stars from lovers' eyes When I behold the night that fades too soon And clouds that reach but never touch the skies When light no longer shines upon my soul And broken dreams refuse to mend and heal By black dark night again I'm swallowed whole In weakness my knees buckle and I kneel When love so cruel destroys my hope of peace And mocks and laughs at my deceptive dreams When in despair I beg for my release And realize that nothing's how it seems At last you take my light away from me When love is pain, no more than memory |
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