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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
I might wander once again the spume flecked strand Flick the sulphured gale foam by the bone bleached drift line or crackle salt dry bubbled kelp revelling in the sand-bite and the sharp windy dune grass. I might slip once more between the blue bruised spruce Feel again the sweet taste of resin crushed chlorophyll and ruptured forest mosses puffing their fustiness into speed stressed lungs. Lie with me in the peat embered hush of the flag floored croft Splash the high burns and hear the Whimbrel's keening funnelled from the parabolic sky through cleft granite secrets. Let me do these things locked to your eyes in my spine splintered starch white antiseptic world. If only I could hold your hand again. [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 02-12-2000).] |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Oh dear. After reading this, I hesitate to post my second (more serious) attempt. Great writing and a great imagery. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Wow. Am I allowed to critically analyse you here? LOL This is...just excellent my friend. Just excellent. 'Writing sharpens life; life enriches writing' Sylvia Plath |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Philip, I'm absolutely astounded! This is one of the best pieces of free verse I have read in a long time. The wording, placement...it's just too good, Philip. Kris If I can ease one life the aching, Or cool one pain,... I shall not live in vain - Emily Dickinson |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Philip: It is way past my bedtime but I stayed up this late just so I would be able to read your poem.  I can honestly say that it was worth the risk of my nodding off at work tomorrow morning. I'll try to stop back and comment more later.Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Philip, I attempted to post a new topic, and couldn't. I guess I just didn't have the credentials to enter here, though I did have my name on the list. Sorry to use your space for this, but didn't know what else to do. Kris If I can ease one life the aching, Or cool one pain,... I shall not live in vain - Emily Dickinson |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
The message I get after I try to post says that I am not an authorized user of this forum. How do you get authorized? I thought all you had to do was sign-up. Kris Thoughts of a dry brain in a dry season - T. S. Eliot |
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X Angel Senior Member
since 1999-11-07
Posts 1521Oregon |
Well I must say I had to read this 3 times in a row and then tell Nan I couldn't come play in another forum so that I could form some sort of reply to this poem! I was at once flabbergasted and astounded and amazed by the quality of this poem. I have never ever read of of your poems before so to start off with one as awesome as this..I think I'll be hooked! Your rhythm and flow are perfect. It just fell off my tongue as I read it aloud! I love free verse (it's all I can really write...rhyming HURTS me mentally LOL). You should be very proud of yourself, this is well written AND the imagery is so good too. Gee I can't think of anymore words to use to describe this poem... imagine that! A poet with a lack of adjectives LOL. Keep up the good work and I'll be sure to look your poems up when I am in the archives reading. ~Happy Writing ~X~ "Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?!" ~Groucho Marx |
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Menage #1 Junior Member
since 1999-07-20
Posts 28 |
Miss Behavin's "revelling in the sand-bite and the sharp windy dune grass">  |
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Menage Numero Trois Junior Member
since 1999-07-20
Posts 33Zee South of France |
I theenk that thees man has met hees match. Vee veeel havtoo theenk on hees puneeshmint for mistaking our Angel for someone else. Vaat you theenk Numero Une and Dos??? (an afterthought....Je pense que nous devrions le plonger en sauce à chocolat et le compléter avec la crème fouettée et prendre un parfait) Longtemps de phase poésie Numero Trois |
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Justin Nuendo Member
since 2000-02-05
Posts 86Ozzz |
Heya Menage, whatta ya doing here ? Trying to drive me nuts ? Ya know I dont speak a word of French, so how am I suppose to know whatta we're having for dessert ? Yeah, choclatsaus and lotsa cream ! Yummy and lotsa icecream perhaps, so the little joker here can stick his head into it for mistaking a real Angel for something else ? See ya later, Numero Trois and uh, letsa keep the recipes in English, will ya ? This mystery stew is Justine Uff as it is ! |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Miss Behavin can revel in the dunes with me any day and bites may well come into it as well .....  ......lol"I theenk that thees man has met hees match" you may well be right Numero Trois but this man has had the sense to summon the heavy cavalry who are even now ridin' to the rescue .... .. exactly what do you think your doin' with that choc and cream ???!!! Mystery innuendo chaos ... yummeeee I lurve it ..... Have you three ever considered a Menage a quatre .. voulez vous couchez avec moi .. and on the 14th as well sooooooo romantic ... c'mere ...... lol |
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Corazon Senior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 1209 |
yep this is intense, a really beautiful poem, the way you set the stage....fill in the images...and then pull it all together in the finale....great work |
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Menage Numero Trois Junior Member
since 1999-07-20
Posts 33Zee South of France |
Chéri, si vous jouez avec le feu vous allez obtenir brûlé. Le trio peut être trop chaud pour que vous manipuliez cependant! Prenez garde! vous pouvez penser que vous me connaissez mais vous faites? Je ne suis pas qui vous vous attendez à ce que je soit |
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Miss Behavin' Member
since 1999-06-16
Posts 84 |
"If you're fond of sand dunes and salty air... Quaint little villages here and there... You're sure to fall in love.."  |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Philip: Well, the calvary has arrived but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing here. General Poertree, Jim of the Ivory Tower reporting for duty. Well, until I have your orders, I may as well inspect your poem. "I might wander once again the spume flecked strand Flick the sulphured gale foam by the bone bleached drift line" Geeze, Philip, are you trying to say a mouth full or what? I liked how it seemed we were intruding into the speaker's thoughts ("again" hints of a story that we have not been told). The vivid detail of the memories hints of the impact that particular moment had on the speaker. "or crackle salt dry bubbled kelp revelling in the sand-bite and the sharp windy dune grass." Man, does this bring memories back to me. I was in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, USA during Hurricane Daniel (I think it was Daniel) and while it was off the coast of the DelMarVa peninsula the gale winds drove the sand so hard it actually felt like it was biting. I know by "windy" you mean "wind-blown", but this is just me being overly particular. Good images here."I might slip once more between the blue bruised spruce" Alliteration and rhyme. Very nice. "Feel again the sweet taste of resin crushed chlorophyll and ruptured forest mosses puffing their fustiness into speed stressed lungs." What is "fustiness"? Is it a variation of "fustian" (pompous/bombastic) or is it some UK slang? One question: "Feel ... the ... taste?" This could almost be construed to mean "Touch ... the ... taste". Regardless of this, the sensory images are vivid. You're making my neurons fire like crazy with this one. "Lie with me in the peat embered hush of the flag floored croft" One of my favorite lines, actually. The "peat embered hush" speaks volumes to me of warmth and peacefulness. This is the first mention of someone else being there, by the way. "Splash the high burns and hear the Whimbrel's keening funnelled from the parabolic sky through cleft granite secrets." These images were not as clear to me. What is the sound of a Whimbrel's keening like? I get the sense that the keening is heard from a deep gully or a ravine. Whatever the sound is, it is amplified by the close proximaty of the ravine walls. The sky would certainly appear "parabolic" from such a vantage point. "Let me do these things locked to your eyes in my spine splintered starch white antiseptic world." This is actually suggesting to me that these things were never experienced with this "second person". If the speaker was "locked" to her eyes, how would you have been able to notice everything else that was going on around him? Maybe the speaker is by himself, wishing he was with that second person. "If only I could hold your hand" At my first reading I involuntarily tacked "again" to the end. Excellent job with this, Philip. Powerful images and an interesting look inside someone's head. Jim |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
What I'm discoverin' here is: 1 Nobody in Passions can translate French for me, and 2 The cavalry got routed by Miss Behavin's outrageous attire (or lack of it) ..lol .. but never fear .. outnumbered trois to one I may be BUT NEVER oufaced ... ~defiant grin~ now then lets see je will reverter to moi Francais lessons of trente years ago ... "Cheri .. My dear if you play with fire you will get burned" ... PROBLEM with that logic dear Menage .. is that je suis is already severely charcoaled .. and if you try to heat what has already been through the flames and survived you merely get an angry glow ... heh heh .. and then some kinda warning about the three of you being hot stuff at manipulation .. ahh haa .. ow u say eet? .. I speet in your !~*£$!*& ... .. I guess the first skirmish is over .. now let's get serious ........ |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Jim ... using your replies ...: Philip: Well, the calvary has arrived but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing here. General Poertree, Jim of the Ivory Tower reporting for duty. Well, until I have your orders, I may as well inspect your poem. >>> well don't just stand there .. go into flanking manoeuvre No 69 and take out that naughty Miss Behavin ......... rotflmao "I might wander once again the spume flecked strand Flick the sulphured gale foam by the bone bleached drift line" Geeze, Philip, are you trying to say a mouth full or what? >>> yes I guess it's maybe a little OTT .. been kinda storing it all up for a while .. then it came out ...lol I liked how it seemed we were intruding into the speaker's thoughts ("again" hints of a story that we have not been told). The vivid detail of the memories hints of the impact that particular moment had on the speaker. >>> wow Jim and another WOW .. I'm impressed by your insightfulness here .. yes .. you are "right" right the way down the line on that .... "or crackle salt dry bubbled kelp revelling in the sand-bite and the sharp windy dune grass." Man, does this bring memories back to me. I was in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, USA during Hurricane Daniel (I think it was Daniel) and while it was off the coast of the DelMarVa peninsula the gale winds drove the sand so hard it actually felt like it was biting. >>> There is a beach in Wales I think called the "whistling sands" where the sand is always driven like a powerful grit blaster and the friction of the silica makes a whistling sound ... and hurts ..lol I know by "windy" you mean "wind-blown", but this is just me being overly particular. Good images here. >>> yes to wind-blown and yes to overly particular (the word pedantic springs to mind ..lol)"I might slip once more between the blue bruised spruce" Alliteration and rhyme. Very nice. >>> Brad doesn't like alliteration "Feel again the sweet taste of resin crushed chlorophyll and ruptured forest mosses puffing their fustiness into speed stressed lungs." What is "fustiness"? Is it a variation of "fustian" (pompous/bombastic) or is it some UK slang? >>> adjective "fusty" .. stale smelling, musty, mouldy One question: "Feel ... the ... taste?" This could almost be construed to mean "Touch ... the ... taste". Regardless of this, the sensory images are vivid. You're making my neurons fire like crazy with this one. >>> Yes right again dear Jim .. hey you were on good form when you read this !! TOUCH the taste was exactly what i wanted to imply .. that the air is so thick with tastes and smell that you can almost touch them .. and also that they are so familiar that they are touchable. Really well done Jim .. "Lie with me in the peat embered hush of the flag floored croft" One of my favorite lines, actually. The "peat embered hush" speaks volumes to me of warmth and peacefulness. This is the first mention of someone else being there, by the way. >>> Right and right again Jim ... and btw this was jenni's fav line so you must be right ..lol (I'm beginning to think she was looking over your shoulder while you were doing this critique) "Splash the high burns and hear the Whimbrel's keening funnelled from the parabolic sky through cleft granite secrets." These images were not as clear to me. What is the sound of a Whimbrel's keening like? I get the sense that the keening is heard from a deep gully or a ravine. Whatever the sound is, it is amplified by the close proximity of the ravine walls. The sky would certainly appear "parabolic" from such a vantage point. >>> GOOD HEAVENS JIM what were you on?? (jenni is definitely helping ..lol). A Whimbrel is a Curlew like bird found often in the Scottish Highlands (we're in Scotland now btw) .... I assume you know the meaning of "keening" I guess you'll just have to imaging the sound ... BUT ... on the rest of it you are absolutely spot on ..... very very good .. I am honoured that you read this so closely ... Yes the sound is heard while lying on a mossy bank in a deep granite ravine resting from the midday heat .. and yes to the sky as well .. and you may be aware of the function of a "parabolic reflector" ?? "Let me do these things locked to your eyes in my spine splintered starch white antiseptic world." This is actually suggesting to me that these things were never experienced with this "second person". If the speaker was "locked" to her eyes, how would you have been able to notice everything else that was going on around him? Maybe the speaker is by himself, wishing he was with that second person. >>> ok this is where the effects of the stuff you were on fade a bit ...lol the difference in the form of the stanza/line was meant to flag up a change .. maybe it didn't work ..lol Up to this point the speaker has been reliving in vivid thought his very physical past life. Physical activity and the outdoors has been to a large extent the whole of the speaker's life. The "story that we have not been told" that you mentioned at the outset is of course an accident that destroys the speaker's spine and paralyses his body while leaving his mind "unaffected", the speaker has not yet learned to recognise the truth that life is more than just an exultation in physical strength and agility and he is still wallowing in the past. We are now in the hospital the speaker is immobile on a bed his partner sitting next to him. They are silent .. all that can be said has been said before ... their only contact is via the expressiveness of their eyes .. in her eyes he tries to relive once again his freedom and lost life ..... "If only I could hold your hand" >>> This line was the watershed if you like .. the sudden realization that there could be no going back .. and the unspoken anguished appeal to the effect that the speaker would willingly give up all the experiences described earlier .. just to be able to once more feel his love's hand .. >>>I made the line very simple to contrast with the "overblown" imagery of before .. just as the speaker's small plea contrasts with his (maybe) exaggerated recollection of his active life..... At my first reading I involuntarily tacked "again" to the end. Excellent job with this, Philip. Powerful images and an interesting look inside someone's head. Jim >>> Jim thanks for this, you did a really great job .. Philip [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 02-17-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Also to Munda, Kamla, Kris, Corazon and X-A thank you all for the very kind words and especially to X-A for not editing after I maligned her .. I wonder where Nancy got to ???? ~innocent smirk~ |
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Ain' Miss Behavin' Junior Member
since 1999-07-06
Posts 25 |
I have it on good authority that Nan is out locking all the secret passageways that those decadent creatures snuck through to get into this otherwise pristine passionate place. She said she really enjoyed this poem though - and that she thinks that Jim guy did a pretty darned good job of critiquing...  |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Ain't Miss B ... so you mean the Menage is beat? heh heh P |
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