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Balladeer

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since 1999-06-05

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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

0 posted 2009-07-26 01:16 AM

A Ottava Rima is a poem written in 8-line octives. Each line is of a 10 or 11 syllable count in
the following rhyme:

one octive poem. abababcc
two octive poem. abababcc, dededeff
three octive poem. abababcc, dededeff, ghghghii

...so on and so on
Example:

He is There

When sorrow lies entrenched within your heart
And doubts, like ocean waves, around you churn,
When chaos reigns o’er life and won’t depart
And for the peace of yesterday you yearn,
When evil thoughts are tearing you apart
And there is nowhere left for you to turn,
When dark of night persists throughout your day,
It’s time to fall upon your knees and pray.

For God is there, He’s always by your side,
He is your life’s companion and your friend,
He’s with you through each bitter storm you ride,
From morn’s first light to sunset at day’s end.
You must give up your bitterness and pride
And to your Lord extend your hand again.
He only wants for you to ask Him in
And you will be forgiven for your sin.

Copyright © 2003 Linda Newman
So go to it, laddies and lassies and mooses. Ottava Rima me with your brilliance....and your perfectly structured, magnificently metered, syllable sensitive poetry.

Oklahoma Rose
Senior Member

since 2008-02-28

Posts 1586
Oklahoma USA

1 posted 2009-07-26 12:38 PM

Well teacher sir, to start off with, I will work on getting one ottava poem. If I can accomplish that one, then I will work on two. Do these syllables have to be in perfect meter? You know me when it comes to the meter stuff. Maybe I am making these assignments harder on myself, than they really are. I sure do stress over the stress and unstressed stuff.

Balladeer

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2 posted 2009-07-26 01:24 PM

Y E S !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oklahoma Rose
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since 2008-02-28

Posts 1586
Oklahoma USA

3 posted 2009-07-26 03:52 PM

Ummmm, exactly what is that YES for?

Oh my! Well, it all boils back down to doing the iambic pentameter, again. Ok, here I go.

Maybe I can take an old poem, and make it fit this assignment.

rachaelfuchsberger

Senior Member

since 2007-02-21

Posts 609
Las Vegas, NV

4 posted 2009-07-26 06:34 PM

Ok...one octive, but I've got rhyme scheme and I'm fairly certain I've got meter...

It ALL starTED the DAY that I met YOU
That NIGHT we WENT for A cup OF cofFEE
And INstantLY our LOVE blosSOMED and GREW
And RIGHT awAY you SWEPT me OFF my FEET
And I just KNEW that I beLONGED to YOU
And I subMIT reckLESSly AND with GLEE
And FORevER i WILL to YOU subMIT
For IN your DOMinANCE the DARK is LIT

Arana Darkwolf

Balladeer

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since 1999-06-05

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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

5 posted 2009-07-26 10:07 PM

Arana, I lvoe your enthusiasm. I love the way to backtrack through past lessons to learn. I love the way you keep looking to improve.......BUT you ain't got meter!!!

It ALL starTED the DAY that I met YOU
That NIGHT we WENT for A cup OF cofFEE
And INstantLY our LOVE blosSOMED and GREW
And RIGHT awAY you SWEPT me OFF my FEET
And I just KNEW that I beLONGED to YOU
And I subMIT reckLESSly AND with GLEE
And FORevER i WILL to YOU subMIT
For IN your DOMinANCE the DARK is LIT

You have to imagine how it sounds when spoken. Read the first line the wasy you have it accented ten times, Actually, just read the first three words. Actually just read "starTED". Have you ever in your life said "starTED"? I don't know of any human who has. When have you ever said cofFEE? Don't go into Starbucks and ask for cofFEE or they'll call the paddy wagon!

reckLESSly? nope. FORevER? nope nope...blosSOMED? nope nope nope. These accents are all in the wrong places, my friend who is learning to hate me. The accents have to be natural. This is the way your poem reads to me..

it ALL STARTed the DAY that I met YOU
that NIGHT we WENT for a CUP of COFfee
and INstantLY our LOVE BLOSsomed and GREW
and RIGHT aWAY you SWEPT me OFF my FEET
and I just KNEW that I beLONGED to YOU
and I subMIT RECKlessLY and with GLEE
and forEVer i WILL to YOU subMIT
for IN your DOMinANCE the DARK is LIT.

Recite your poem to yourself or someone else to get the feel of where the accents should be. You can do it...

btw, you have five of the eight lines starting with "and"....not a good thing.

rachaelfuchsberger

Senior Member

since 2007-02-21

Posts 609
Las Vegas, NV

6 posted 2009-07-27 01:11 PM

Good Sir Balladeer,

I'm glad you're pleased with my backtracking through lessons and trying to get meter. I'm one of those stubborn Sagittarius types. LOL. And I'm certainly not beginning to hate you. I'm actually grateful that you're patient enough with me to put up with my difficult personality. I can see the mistakes you're pointing out, and it's helping. I'll try another. Thank You.

Arana Darkwolf

Alison

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since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

7 posted 2009-07-27 01:27 PM

I think I gotta catch up!

rachaelfuchsberger

Senior Member

since 2007-02-21

Posts 609
Las Vegas, NV

8 posted 2009-07-27 05:16 PM

Let's try Trochaic! ~crosses fingers hoping it's right this time~

WE were MEANT to BE it’s PLAIN for ME to SEE
YOU are MEANT for ME and I am MEANT for YOU
IF there WAS no YOU there WOULD not BE a ME
IF there WAS no ME there WOULD not BE a YOU
FATE enTWINED our SOULS for ALL the WORLD to SEE
FROM the BEginNING our SEEDS toGEther GREW
WITHout YOU there IS no AIR to EVen BREATHE
WHAT i FEEL for YOU no WORDS can EVen SHEATHE

Arana Darkwolf

Balladeer

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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

9 posted 2009-07-27 06:08 PM

Well, the first four lines made me so dizzy I need a drink!

Actually, structurally speaking, you did much better on this one....still some problem areas, though.

BEginNING won't work. Neither will WITHout. "if there was" is incorrect English. The first sentence is grammatically incorrect but can easily be changed by changing "it's" to "is".

Otherwise, I'm impressed and feel that you are really getting there. You're beginning to think it out and get the accents in the right places. That's a good thing! You are on the road, m'lady!

Oklahoma Rose
Senior Member

since 2008-02-28

Posts 1586
Oklahoma USA

10 posted 2009-07-27 07:01 PM

Hey Alison, where have you been hiding?

Oklahoma Rose
Senior Member

since 2008-02-28

Posts 1586
Oklahoma USA

11 posted 2009-07-27 08:01 PM

Ok teacher! Here is my first attempt at this Ottava Rima.

Da Dum Da Dum

Forgive me Deer, my muse has left me dry.
I've searched both high and low and all around.
She’s off, although I know not where or why.
It looks as if she does not like the sound
Of rules Da DUM Da DUM, that make me sigh.
She did not ask to leave me tied and bound.
Yet left me here too stressed tonight for sure.
When she returns, I'll try my hand at more.

rachaelfuchsberger

Senior Member

since 2007-02-21

Posts 609
Las Vegas, NV

12 posted 2009-07-27 08:05 PM

Re-write!

WE were MEANT to BE is PLAIN for ME to SEE
YOU are MEANT for ME and I am MEANT for YOU
IF there WERE no YOU there WOULD not BE a ME
IF there WERE no ME there WOULD not BE a YOU
FATE enTWINED our SOULS for ALL the WORLD to SEE
FROM the VERy START our SEEDS toGEther GREW
WHEN you’re GONE there IS no AIR to EVen BREATHE
WHAT i FEEL for YOU no WORDS can EVen SHEATHE

Arana Darkwolf

Earth Angel
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since 2002-08-27

Posts 40215
Realms of Light

13 posted 2009-07-28 08:02 PM

Well, m'dear Deer, I thought I would take you up on your challenge and Octava Rima YOU! ~ or at least try to!

Together

As rains were misting soft lichens and grass,
~ On the hillsides of the Emerald Isle,
The blood was stirred in a lad and his lass,
in soft gloaming of the springtime’s beguile.
Together they strolled ev’ry path and pass,
and forever they’d walk every mile.
With hopeful hearts holding wishes and dreams,
~ They would traverse all life's rivers and streams.

LLD

Balladeer

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14 posted 2009-07-28 09:46 PM

Well, Rose, for having a missing muse I'd say you did very well....excellent meter and construction!

Rachel...you got there!

Balladeer

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15 posted 2009-07-28 09:57 PM

Ah, Angel, you touched the Irish in me! Nicely done, lassie

Oklahoma Rose
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since 2008-02-28

Posts 1586
Oklahoma USA

16 posted 2009-07-28 10:44 PM

Thank you, Balladeer! Let's see if I can do as well on a second one.

Since I had some help with this one, I'll have to do another one. So it is back to the head banging.

[This message has been edited by Oklahoma Rose (07-29-2009 10:09 AM).]

Earth Angel
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since 2002-08-27

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Realms of Light

17 posted 2009-07-29 12:26 PM

Thank you, McDeer!

Alison

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since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

18 posted 2009-07-29 12:29 PM

Hey Sue,

I took some time off because I work on a computer all danged day. My eyes were so tired and were begging for a break. I can't find my glasses (nothing new for me) so I took pity on them.

Now, I need to catch up. Or did I say that already? I am working on thinking about catching up.

xoxoxo
A

Oklahoma Rose
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since 2008-02-28

Posts 1586
Oklahoma USA

19 posted 2009-07-29 10:15 AM

Well, my dear Alison, I guess when you find them you need to put a stringe on the ear pieces and wear them around your neck. That way you won't lose them. I've missed you!

rachaelfuchsberger

Senior Member

since 2007-02-21

Posts 609
Las Vegas, NV

20 posted 2009-07-29 12:24 PM

Yay me! Off to try some more! Maybe I'll make trochaic my signature meter for the pieces I write with meter. It seems easier for me than iambic. ~does victory dance~

Arana Darkwolf

crosscountry83
Member

since 2009-07-30

Posts 345

21 posted 2009-07-30 10:23 PM

Really sorry, this isn't about this topic, but I was wondering if the older lessons, such as "Get off your Assonance" are still ongoing. I just joined, and that one sounded fun, but I didn't know if anyone still posted on those.

[This message has been edited by crosscountry83 (07-30-2009 10:59 PM).]

crosscountry83
Member

since 2009-07-30

Posts 345

22 posted 2009-07-30 11:08 PM

Wow, this is hard, I never really liked poetry in school; not too good at it, but I figured i should try to improve... maybe...

Here's my try at it:

An eagle starts to soar the time away.
She shows the best example of a flight.
Feeling so free until the close of day,
Unites with nature 'fore the end of light.
Lands in the nest by swiping leaves astray.
Nestles up to get rest throughout the night.
Wakes up early, the first thing in the morn.'
Soon, just in time to see her young be born.

Alison

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since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

23 posted 2009-08-07 02:16 AM

Okay, I am only two assignments behind now. I will be working on this one and maybe I'll get all caught up this weekend. Maybe?

A

Balladeer

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24 posted 2009-08-07 12:52 PM

crosscountry, I can see the improvement already! This poem of your has a few glitches in the meter field but it is actually quite well done, both in construction and thought...nice work.

All ofthe past lessons are ongoing. If you find one you want to tackle, when you respond it will bring it back up to the front. I look forward to seeingyour contributions!

crosscountry83
Member

since 2009-07-30

Posts 345

25 posted 2009-08-08 04:54 PM

Thanks, but this lesson was actually the first one I tried.... lol.

Rileigh

Alison

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since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

26 posted 2009-08-10 01:47 AM

To my Mom ~ who raised five children, knit our mittens, baked our bread, told us stories about Jack Frost and taught us that Sundays are quiet days.

Sunday Observations

Another Sunday-sit-down cup of tea
The kids play games; the bread loaves slowly bake
The smell of ginger tea and yeast is freed
I think about the mittens still to make
A strand of purple yarn falls off my knees
As windy air sends autumn to the lake
The days, now short, become much longer nights
It’s time for mittens, scarves and woolen tights

The birch leaves turn a muted gold with grace
And skies now frame the world in vivid blue
While icy, fall air longs to chill my face
It frosts my breath, reaching from hat to shoes
The window panes are tatted with fine lace
A design etched in ice, noticed by few
Another sit-down-cup-of-tea Sunday
I sip the warmth and watch fall days at play

-

Alison

[This message has been edited by Alison (08-10-2009 02:23 AM).]

Balladeer

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since 1999-06-05

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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

27 posted 2009-08-10 07:53 AM

A very beautiful and touching poem, Alison. Your poetic flower is in full bloom.

BUT....

There are three areas where the meter gets lost.

It frosts my BREATH,REACHing from hat to shoes

A deSIGN etched in ICE, NOticed by few

Clean those up and you have a wonderful piece here.

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

28 posted 2009-08-10 11:01 AM

Did this get it?

-

Sunday Observations

Another Sunday-sit-down cup of tea
The kids play games; the bread loaves slowly bake
The smell of ginger tea and yeast is freed
I think about the mittens still to make;
A strand of purple yarn falls off my knees.
As windy air sends autumn to the lake
The days, now short, become much longer nights
It’s time for mittens, scarves and woolen tights.

The birch leaves turn a muted gold with grace
And skies now frame the world in vivid blue
While icy, fall air longs to chill my face
It frosts my breath, to reach from hat to shoes
The window panes are tatted with fine lace
Designs ice etched which are noticed by few
Another sit-down-cup-of-tea Sunday
I sip the warmth and watch fall days at play

-

Alison

--

Thank you soooo much!

Balladeer

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since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

29 posted 2009-08-10 02:50 PM

You are almost there, m'lady. The first correction was great.

Designs ice etched which are noticed by few

Nope, that won't make it. You still have two unaccented syllables together (which are) and two more (-iced by).

You might try something like...

Designs ice etched unnoticed by but few....or
Designs ice etched that barely come to view....or
Designs ice etched alive for all to view

Something along those lines...........

Dr.Moose1
Member Elite

since 1999-09-05

Posts 3448
Bewilderment , USA

30 posted 2009-08-10 02:55 PM

Somedays the workshop is such fun there's just so much to do,
we take the words we want to use and model them like clay.
It's kinda like an arts and crafts without the Elmers' glue,
not that I ever ate that stuff but, what I'm trying to say
is we don't run with scissors here and always tie our shoes,
nor make those cross-eyed faces as they're apt to stay that way.
Instead we lob some spitballs on occasion at the "Teach"
but wait until his back is turned as he has quite a reach.

Then when he's posting lessons on the blackboard we let fly.
I've seen his tweedy jacket lookin' like it weighs a ton.
Don't get me wrong, he's Balladeer and he's an alright guy
but, learnin' 'bout trajectory and windage sure is fun,
and oh, there's elevation don't forget to launch 'em high,
just like they're calibrated from a spitball snipers' gun.
Then if you've done your homework once your lesson is complete,
we'll ottova a rima and shoot spitballs, pretty sweet!

[This message has been edited by Dr.Moose1 (08-10-2009 07:46 PM).]

Alison

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since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

31 posted 2009-08-10 08:40 PM

Sunday Observations

Another Sunday-sit-down cup of tea
The kids play games; the bread loaves slowly bake
The smell of ginger tea and yeast is freed
I think about the mittens still to make;
A strand of purple yarn falls off my knees.
As windy air sends autumn to the lake
The days, now short, become much longer nights
It’s time for mittens, scarves and woolen tights.

The birch leaves turn a muted gold with grace
And skies now frame the world in vivid blue
While icy, fall air longs to chill my face
It frosts my breath, to reach from hat to shoes
The window panes are tatted with fine lace
Designs on frosted glass, etched art to view
Another sit-down-cup-of-tea Sunday
I sip the warmth and watch fall days at play

-

Alison

Balladeer

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since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

32 posted 2009-08-10 09:18 PM

Alison, you have it....beautiful!

Aha, Moose! I was wondering where those spitballs were coming from! Send me your hat size, please. I have a cylindrical hat with your name on it!!!

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

33 posted 2009-08-10 11:59 PM

Okay, not to beat a finished poem to death - but, I was driving home and thinking about the fact that I wanted to change the pronoun to "she" as it is about my Mom. I also was not happy with the last line - I thought it fizzled a bit. When I read the poem out loud after making my changes, I think the second to the last line was wrong.

I think it looks like this:

aNOTHer SIT down CUP of TEA SUNday

so I changed that line, the last line, the pronoun and the first "mittens" to the word "patterns".

Would you check it out one more time, please?

xoxoxoo

-

Sunday Observations

Another Sunday-sit-down cup of tea
The kids play games; the bread loaves slowly bake
The smell of ginger tea and yeast is freed
She thinks about the patterns still to make;
A strand of purple yarn falls off her knees.
As windy air sends autumn to the lake
The days, now short, become much longer nights
It’s time for mittens, scarves and woolen tights.

The birch leaves turn a muted gold with grace
And skies now frame the world in vivid blue
While icy, fall air longs to chill her face
It frosts the breath, to reach from hat to shoes
The window panes are tatted with fine lace
Designs on frosted glass, etched art to view
Another Sunday-sit-down-sipping day
She drinks the warmth to keep the cold at bay

-

Alison

[This message has been edited by Alison (08-11-2009 01:20 AM).]

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

34 posted 2009-08-11 12:04 PM

Doc,

You crack me up. I think a spit ball just zinged by while I was laughing. I never mastered the art of spit balls, so I'll just keep using my pea shooter if that is okay.

A

Balladeer

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since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

35 posted 2009-08-11 03:41 AM

Alison, you have finally arrived. Truth be told, I knew that the second to the last line was out of whack but I had already beaten you about the head concerning the other lines that you worked so hard to correct, I didn't want to come back and say, "Oops! There's one more!" The fact that you were able to see it yourself and make the determination it had to be changed tells me you are really getting tuned in to this meter thingy that used to give you so many fits. Keep it up!

Dr.Moose1
Member Elite

since 1999-09-05

Posts 3448
Bewilderment , USA

36 posted 2009-08-11 06:57 AM

Alison,
Lol, thanks. I've watched the transformation
of your poem from conception to completion. Excellent work, great imagery, with the self editing to adhere to meter being the final touch. Bravo !
Doc

Balladeer,
Oh goody! That must mean you're done polishing my crown!

Nakd,
Thanks. A chuckle here a chortle there make it all worth while.
Doc

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate

since 2000-10-29

Posts 19200
Between the Lines

37 posted 2009-08-11 07:07 AM

Dr.Moose,you gave me a morning chuckle since teaching is in my blood and I have felt those spitballs even if sent mentally~~

M

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

38 posted 2009-08-11 11:10 AM

Thank you, Balladeer dear and Doc Moose,

I did just as you both suggested and read it out loud. Amazing how that works! Just like you said! Please, please never hold back - even if it is months later. I'd rather know and learn and get it right than have a line slipped through.

But, maybe I can catch more myself now.

Hugs to you both.

xoxoxo
Alison

crosscountry83
Member

since 2009-07-30

Posts 345

39 posted 2009-08-12 09:48 PM

You said I had a few glitches with meter... I tried to fix them, is that better?

An eagle starts to soar the time away.
She shows the best example of a flight.
She flies so free until the close of day,
Unites with nature 'fore the end of light.
Lands in the nest by sweeping leaves astray.
She nestles up to get rest through the night.
But rises quick, at first light in the morn.'
Soon, just in time to see her young be born.

I think I see where the accents didn't fit. Please tell me if there is anything else wrong with the meter.

Rileigh

[This message has been edited by crosscountry83 (08-13-2009 06:25 PM).]

crosscountry83
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since 2009-07-30

Posts 345

40 posted 2009-08-13 05:23 PM

crosscountry83
Member

since 2009-07-30

Posts 345

41 posted 2009-08-18 11:24 PM

bump?

Balladeer

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since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

42 posted 2009-08-18 11:45 PM

Thanks for the bumps, Rileigh. They wake me up!

You did it perfectly. Every accent is in the right place and the meter is exact.

DOn't care too much for the "She flies so free.." because it gives the impression you are sticking "so" in there simply to maintain the meter, which is probably accurate

I would use something like "She freely flies.." or some other way to say it...just a thought.

Otherwise, very nice work

Oklahoma Rose
Senior Member

since 2008-02-28

Posts 1586
Oklahoma USA

43 posted 2009-08-19 09:36 AM

Alison, it looks like I am way behind. I must admit, I had a little help with this one. So, I must do another one. You are doing very well, my friend. I knew you would.

crosscountry83
Member

since 2009-07-30

Posts 345

44 posted 2009-08-19 10:29 PM

Thanks, that's a much better way of saying it. Meter wasn't my original intention, but it just worked and I didn't think too much about changing words.. I like that way much better. Thanks!

Rileigh

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