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Safwan Arekat
Junior Member

since 2000-01-29

Posts 38
Bahrain

0 posted 2000-01-29 12:22 PM

Mary

You must not waste
your heart in haste
on a fling so fast,
you must be chaste

They are not morals
what I preach
the Virgin Mary’s
out of reach

But one more Mary’s
full of life
Her heart, her soul,
is still alive

It hurts so deep,
that you will weep
when all his promises,
he will not keep

So.. Listen to me
you’ve found the way
to save your soul
from a road astray

The time will come
and all too soon
when you go flying
to the moon

But until then
just sing a song

for a one called Mary

all night long

Safwan Arekat

http://magicboat.com

[This message has been edited by Safwan Arekat (edited 01-29-2000).]

Koon
Junior Member

since 2000-01-27

Posts 43
Singapore

1 posted 2000-01-29 12:38 PM

Beautiful poem...really encouraging...

Koon-

ESP
Member Elite

since 2000-01-25

Posts 2556
Floating gently on a cloud....

2 posted 2000-01-29 05:35 PM

Lovely poem. Keep writing and

poetry_kills
Senior Member

since 1999-12-04

Posts 549
new orleans

3 posted 2000-01-29 06:00 PM

safwan: i think you have a magnificent poem in the works here, but i see a few things that also might be amended to make it more effective still... here are my thoughts (suggestions only, of course... you should do what you see fit): i honestly feel that a lot of the 4 line stanzas (stanza 1, 4, 5 &6) could be condensed into two line stanzas that say the same thing... brevity (in my opinion) always gives a poem power... here's a possible reworked version of the poem:

Mary

Will you sacrifice your heart in haste
To a lover's fling? No! Stay chaste.

They are not morals that I preach
the Virgin Mary is out of reach

But one more Mary’s full of life
Her heart, her soul, is still alive

Pain will cause your eyes to well and weep
When his promises your lover does not keep

Listen to me... I know you've found the way
To keep your soul from wandering astray

Love's time will come, and all too soon
When you will be sent soaring to the moon

But until then
just sing a song

for one called Mary

all night long

this is just my idea (and opinon) of course... but i feel the shortening of the form (and the regularity of the stanzas) makes the poem more powerful... hope that i've been of some help and i hope to read more of you beautiful poetry on the forum soon...

sincerely,
jerome the boy with numb hands

A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover!
~Coleridge

Safwan Arekat
Junior Member

since 2000-01-29

Posts 38
Bahrain

4 posted 2000-01-29 09:15 PM

Thank you all for the encouraging replies to my posts. Especially to jerome who surprised me with the time he invested in his reply. But I think "Mary" is meant to be more of a "chant". I wrote it to reward Mary because I thought her attitude about sex was proper. But Again that is my opinion.

Safwan

[This message has been edited by Safwan Arekat (edited 01-29-2000).]

THE-1-U-DISLIKE
Junior Member

since 2003-11-07

Posts 20

5 posted 2003-11-07 04:01 PM

nice poem

Artic Wind
Member Rara Avis

since 2007-09-16

Posts 8080
Realm of Supernatural

6 posted 2007-11-15 07:48 PM

Enjoyed

ARCTIC WIND

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