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peanogrl83
Member

since 1999-12-04

Posts 202

0 posted 1999-12-12 07:02 PM

This really stinks guys..sorry!

Close your eyes, love, go to sleep.
In dreams perhaps, you'll see me weep.
But I'll be gone when you wake,
Your stagnant soul shall I take.
I'll leave you lonely and confused,
Battered, beaten and abused
Just as you have done to me,
In sentience, not slumber, as with thee.

This my love, to me you did,
But my anguished pain I hid.
You never saw me as in your dreams,
An unfinished doll with broken seams.
I was weak, but looked strong,
Had no voice, but sung your song.
Through your looking-lens, I was free
You only saw what I let you see.

In truth you held me in your grip,
From your grasp I could not slip.
From your torture I writhed and thrashed,
My soul lay cold on concrete, smashed.
Your words would singe, would burn
I couldn't teach, you couldn't learn
I had no choice my love, I had to fall.
I could not break through your empty wall.

Close your eyes, love, go to sleep.
In dreams perhaps, you'll see me weep.
Soon dawn will bring it's spidery light
Your lids will lift and restore your sight.
I am gone now, but your nightmares remain
Your guilt is now a permament stain.
With a kiss, my love, you stole my breath,
With your love, my dear, you caused my death.

Alwye

Moderator

Member Elite

since 1999-06-16

Posts 3850
In the space between moments

1 posted 1999-12-12 10:39 PM

Quite the contrary....this is extraordinary. I love it! Great imagery, good description, flows well...keep up the great work, you have a lot of talent! :>

*Krista Knutson*

"I can feel you breathe, it's washing over me, and suddenly I'm melting into you..." ~Faith Hill: Breathe~

Jer
Member

since 1999-12-02

Posts 443
USA

2 posted 1999-12-12 11:11 PM

WOW! The power. I think being a guy that the poem is sad and upsetting and it makes you think from a different perspective, but I also think the way you wrote and depicted your feelings was outstanding. The poem in itself was great and I can wait to see your next writing.

Jer

[This message has been edited by Jer (edited 12-12-1999).]

Singer1981
Member

since 1999-12-02

Posts 148
Fredonia, NY USA

3 posted 1999-12-13 05:17 PM

Vren-Once again you rocked my world! You never cease to amaze me. This was really amazing. I tell you...keep writing, it certainly does help to ease the pain. Can't wait to see you!!
-Me

Dusk Treader

Moderator

Senior Member

since 1999-06-18

Posts 1187
St. Paul, MN

4 posted 1999-12-13 10:02 PM

Now that's just not true about this being bad, it was wonderful! Quite beautiful and much enjoyed!

In flames I shall not be consumed, but reborn.

Kevin

Senior Member

since 1999-11-02

Posts 729
Torrington, Ct, Usa

5 posted 1999-12-13 10:36 PM

*dosen't know what to say*
ummmmmm WOW
some of the best to come out of this forum
and thats not an understatement

Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

6 posted 1999-12-14 10:17 AM

I have to agree with the rest. This is a very powerful piece. Well written. I will look forward to more of your work.

*~*butterfly*~*
Junior Member

since 1999-07-26

Posts 28
minnesota

7 posted 1999-12-15 12:24 PM

are you kidding me?!!!!!!! that was sooooo good i honestly dont know what to say, if i wrote something like that i would post it in every room!!! be proud of yourself for that poem, i havent read one that beautiful in this room yet! good work, i loved it!!

"Rely on your instincts and trust your heart."
--unknown
~*~*~butterfly~*~*~

SeaDragon
Junior Member

since 1999-12-11

Posts 11

8 posted 1999-12-16 02:23 AM

Cuttingly effective. You use words like slingshots. You work well with images. (That's like "Plays well with others" on your report card, only . . . different.)

UNLOVED-1
Junior Member

since 1999-12-15

Posts 16
dominican republic

9 posted 1999-12-16 09:38 AM

THIS IS REALLY A GREAT POEM. I WAS FEELING EVERY WORD YOU SAID AND I LOVED IT. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

Lynn
Member

since 1999-09-20

Posts 316
Jasper, Alabama U.S.A.

10 posted 1999-12-16 01:11 PM

I have to agree with everyone else. This was fantastic work. Very Expressive. Great job...

If time cannot heal your pain, you can always cry on my shoulder. ~Jenn~

starboards
Member

since 1999-10-14

Posts 467
longwood, florida

11 posted 1999-12-17 11:50 AM

"I am gone now, but your nightmare remains" I love this poem!!! I can relate!!!

Starboards

starboards
Member

since 1999-10-14

Posts 467
longwood, florida

12 posted 1999-12-17 11:50 AM

"I am gone now, but your nightmare remains" I love this poem!!! I can relate!!!

Starboards

*************************
"You will see a lot of things,
But they will mean nothing to you
If you lose sight of the thing you love."
-from the movie "At First Site"
*************************

BraTt
Junior Member

since 1999-10-25

Posts 41
Yakima, WA United States

13 posted 1999-12-18 09:56 PM

I really liked this poem...it was kind of sad in a way, but it was a great poem, with good expression of words. I look forward to your future work also. Thanks.

Ashly

*You are the star for which all evenings wait*

peanogrl83
Member

since 1999-12-04

Posts 202

14 posted 1999-12-20 12:58 PM

Thanks for the compliments, guys!

                                        Vreni

amandafoose
Junior Member

since 1999-12-20

Posts 11

15 posted 1999-12-20 07:56 PM

awesome! best poem i've seen in a while

peanogrl83
Member

since 1999-12-04

Posts 202

16 posted 2000-02-21 09:07 PM

Hello everybody :.) ...I'm bumping this poem up again - it's on it's way to being published locally, and I'd appreciate some comments on how to improve it! Thanks!!!!
Vreni

-LeAnn-
Junior Member

since 2000-02-19

Posts 13
San Antonio,TX

17 posted 2000-02-21 09:15 PM

I AGREE WITH EVERYONE ELSE…
THIS IS A GREAT POEM!!
I CANT WAIT FOR MORE!!

peace

angel6917
Member

since 2000-01-14

Posts 478
WI

18 posted 2000-02-22 10:45 AM

Gee, what I have to say doesn't sound very original anymore, but oh, well. I have to agree with everyone else, your poem was wonderful. I hope to see more of your poetry in the future.

~Kristi Lynn

rich-pa
Member

since 2000-02-07

Posts 317
New Orleans, Louisiana

19 posted 2000-02-22 11:10 AM

hey peanogirl, if you're really interested in some hard core critiques (and can handle critiques) you should try out the critical analysis room, juts post the title as your first piece in that room and they'll tak it aapart bit by bit for ya and help ya make it better. as for me, i dug it yo, i usually can't deal with the mindnumbing amounts of love poetry that one finds but this on was kinda nice.

rich-pa

sunshine17
Member

since 2000-01-20

Posts 89
Bonduel, WI USA

20 posted 2000-02-22 04:15 PM

I thought your poem was very nice. It definatly made me think of some of the same things in my life I have experinced.

hoppy
Member

since 2000-01-27

Posts 271

21 posted 2000-02-22 04:30 PM

i see you followed my instructions and got worse, good job

me does like this poem just as everyone else did.

keep up the bad work

"If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity."

Don't look... you might see.
Don't listen... you might hear.
Don't think... you might learn.
Don't walk... you might stumble.
Don't run... you might fall.
Don't make a decision... you might be wrong.
Don't live...you might die.

Oo0ostephanio0oO
Member

since 2000-01-19

Posts 194
Massachusetts ~USA~

22 posted 2000-02-22 10:04 PM

I agree with everybody chicky! This poem is very far from being "stinky!" LOL

I just WISH I come up with such descriptive & powerful words as you did. Keep it up!
:

(:***Stephani***:)
"A true friend will always stay a friend
whether or not you feel as though the friendship or relationship is about to end."

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