This one REALLY needs help so please respond (I'm Sorry)

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Frosty
Junior Member

since 2000-05-06

Posts 17

0 posted 2000-05-21 05:34 PM

This one is in the begining stages, I wrote it in like 3 min, so thats why I need your help. Thanks

I'm Sorry

Sorry
I left
I had to go
I knew you'd be
I'd be sorry

How
I left
Left you and
Me in tears
But I had to go
Sorry

Do you
Do you remember
How we fought
How I cried
How you laughed
When I fell

You
Pushed me
to fall
to be great
to be
sorry

Sorry
I left
You drove me
To it
We both knew
It would collapse

You humbled
Me broke
Me made
Me feel
pain
Sorry

Why
di you
push me
'till I stumbled
fell
bled

Shed
my tears
Shread
my dignity
Said
Sorry

Sorry
I failed
to be good
to be God
to be what you wanted
Perfect

Beautiful
Ha! thats a joke
you told me to many times
Made me
Laugh at you
Sorry

Well,
Sorry doesn't cut it anymore
does it? I'm sorry
I had to leave
But, Bye

Daysleeper
Member

since 2000-04-23

Posts 119

1 posted 2000-05-21 05:54 PM

God! This is good! It doesn't need much help at all! You should be proud to be able to whip this kind of art out. I'm serious. This has got to be my favorite part:

*     *     *

          Shed
          my tears
          Shread
          my dignity
          Said
          Sorry

          Sorry
          I failed
          to be good
          to be God
          to be what you wanted
          Perfect

*     *     *

The rhyme scheme changes quite a bit, and that's okay, because I do that too... But for a little more consistancy, I've rewritten a few verses below...

          Beautiful
          Ha! thats a joke
          you told me too many times
          What's beautiful
          is never true
          Made me
          Laugh at you
          Sorry

          Well,
          Sorry doesn't cut it anymore
          does it?  I'm sorry
          I had to leave
          Sorry to have believed
          But, Bye

Don't sweat it though, this is great and I'm sure no one can fix it better then you. Just spend some time on it if you feel like it. Good luck.

...Daysleeper...

"We prefer to do things comfortably" said the Controller.
"But I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin."
"In fact," said Mustapha Mond, "you're claiming the right to be unhappy."
"Alright then," said the Savage defiantly, "I'm claiming the right to be unhappy." -Aldous Huxley "Brave New World"

LyricFetish
Senior Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 528
North Carolina

2 posted 2000-05-21 07:29 PM

I really love this poem! I don't think I've read any of your stuff before, but then I haven't been here in quite a while. This is just really good, it's one of those free-verse poems that doesn't have to follow any particular rhyme scheme or phrasing order. Those are the most fun to write in my opinion. Anyway, very cool, great job for an improvisation, you rock. Peace out!

*~Meredith~*

It's another world
But it's something more than ordinary
Such a lovely day
And it's nothing more than ordinary living
That you're living
- Lit

Yu Lan
Senior Member

since 2000-04-13

Posts 1462
New Zealand

3 posted 2000-05-22 01:01 AM

Hmm.. unusual! ^_^ I like it.. Yeah, i must agree with Daysleeper, those are my favourite verses too.. ^_^ but, I am not sure how u could improve, I think, just keep niggling at it.. picking through it.. that's what I do to mine.. tho I haven't been doing a lot of editing lately.. hehe

Nicely written.
Lynne

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