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Teen Poetry #2
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Sheila Ditto
New Member
since 1999-10-01
Posts 1
Frostburg Maryland Allegany

0 posted 1999-10-01 10:26 AM

I'll Remember

My life is moving
And so am I
My goals are set
And so am I,

To leave the past
For something new
A better chance
To be with you,

Hold your head
For there is no defeat
I want to take you
To someplace sweet,

Extend out your hand
For one more chance
A new begining
A second glance,

So stay on the look
For I'll be there
To give you praise
And lots of care.

Andy L.

Andy L.

© Copyright 1999 Sheila Ditto - All Rights Reserved
Paul Hoekman
since 1999-12-28
Posts 382
Harwinton Ct. U>S>A>
1 posted 2000-03-01 03:25 PM

Well done!
Nice piece.

Danny Holloway
Member Elite
since 2000-01-15
Posts 2034
Tulsa, OK
2 posted 2000-03-01 04:09 PM

ditto what Paul said.  Nice rhyme and sturcture.
Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549
new orleans
3 posted 2000-03-01 06:58 PM

sheila: i think this is fairly good, but i dont like the repetition of the same line in the first stanza... when going for a true rhyme scheme, you never use the same word to rhyme with itself, and since no other lines in the poem are repeated, i think it takes away from the overall structure of the work... it says that this is your first post, yet doesn't say [first post], so in danger of making myself look like a fool: welcome to passions, and to the teen forum... i'll keep an eye out for your work in the future...

jerome the mysterious priest

 And their bleating was like a wet salmon
slapped upon the land---slap! slap! slap!

Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850
In the space between moments
4 posted 2000-03-01 10:41 PM

Indeed welcome to Passions!  Jerome is right, you do need a little work here, but over all, great job!  It's great to have you here!  

 *Krista Knutson*

"Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul...." ~*Sarah McLachlan- Do What You Have To Do*~

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