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Teen Poetry #2

i wish you could see...

4eva_at_heart
Member

since 2000-02-12

Posts 238

0 posted 2000-03-14 05:03 AM

i feel like i could fly
my spirits are so high
i could leap and run
to the moon and the sun
for now i have that treasure
the one beyond measure
i have my dreams in the palm of my hand
love is so grand!!
nothing can obstruct the light
that filters in so bright
to thrust upon my days
gleaming golden rays
the storm clouds can appear
the thunder can be near
but my heaven is subject
to only happiness,from darkness i protect
the rainbows in the skies
are reflected in my eyes
the beautiful colours emphasise
my ambition to destroy depression and plot it's demise
to be down and out i have found
has nothing to offer and is only bound
to bring about nothing but heartache
so many times i have let mine break
for now i sit and observe
those who are without what they deserve
my only wish for their sake
is to open their eyes, to see their mistake
that dwelling on the rutts along the road
leaves less pasture for the seeds of happiness to be sowed.

dazed
Member

since 2000-03-13

Posts 119
USA

1 posted 2000-03-14 05:21 AM

ANOTHER GREAT POEM FROM BEC!!!
this is just as good as the rest of them i have read...
love dana

Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

2 posted 2000-03-14 01:58 PM

Ilike the theme of this piece but you tend to change your rhyme scheme throughout. I think if you were to lengthen the lines and go into more detail in your discription, this would be an excellent piece. Just a little rewrite and you would have something of great power here. Just MHO.

Danny Holloway
Member Elite

since 2000-01-15

Posts 2034
Tulsa, OK

3 posted 2000-03-15 11:37 AM

I like the message you convey in this piece.
Agree with Marilyn about the rhyme patterns, even though you obviously made a good effort to provide rhyme.

sunshine17
Member

since 2000-01-20

Posts 89
Bonduel, WI USA

4 posted 2000-03-15 01:56 PM

This is a great poem. I really like it. Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more from you.
Gina

huney_mel
Member

since 2000-03-09

Posts 52

5 posted 2000-03-16 02:02 AM

good work bec.....
this is u're crappest. hehhe nah this ist goodies

Love MEl

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