The Day You Broke My Heart

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Silkklove
New Member

since 2000-03-05

Posts 3

0 posted 2000-03-05 08:53 PM

The Day You Broke My Heart

All the rainbows that had danced throughout heaven's endless skies
Faded to a bitter fog the moment that you said goodbye
The flower petal had said "He loves me" as I'd torn the last apart
But I realized "He loves me not" the day you broke my heart
The dreams of us together were fantasies and nothing more
That brought an aching heart and a thousand flower petals on the floor
All the lucky stars I wished upon at night, they never fell
And the pennies I'd tossed so hopefully got lost inside the well
The love I thought I saw were just illusions of my mind
The longings for a lasting love that's impossible to find
And there's nothing left but bittersweet memories of you and me
That's all that became of the dream that was never meant to be.

Star Fairy 2
Member

since 1999-09-06

Posts 260
cerritos, california, usa

1 posted 2000-03-05 09:11 PM

that was so beautiful.. great job!

Regret for things you did maybe tempered by time, regret for things you Didn't do, however, is inconsolable...
-------823-------

Paul Hoekman
Member

since 1999-12-28

Posts 382
Harwinton Ct. U>S>A>

2 posted 2000-03-05 09:34 PM

This one flows very nicely also.
Now that we know you have writing talent
I would like to see some better format.

All the rainbows that had danced
throughout heavens endless skies
faded to a bitter fog
the moment that you said goodbye.

The flower pedal had said
"He loves me"
as I'd torn the last apart
but I realized
"He loves me not"
the day you broke my heart.

Well something like that
it's easier to read and
easier on the eye
and helps it flow.
This is some of the first
and best advice entering in Open#5.

4eva_at_heart
Member

since 2000-02-12

Posts 238

3 posted 2000-03-06 01:27 AM

this is so gorgeous....it's strange how love can make or break a person. such a flexible and touchy subject which you have chosen...but it is excellent!

keep up the good work

Bec

tracie66
Member Elite

since 2000-01-18

Posts 4713
Australia

4 posted 2000-03-06 01:59 AM

A lovely poem

and good advice from Paul

Keep all the windows of your mind open
Anne Rooks

sunshine17
Member

since 2000-01-20

Posts 89
Bonduel, WI USA

5 posted 2000-03-06 04:13 PM

This is a good poem. I know excatly how you feel. Keep your head up and know that one day things will get better. He's the one who's a fool, and always remember that!
- Gina

Salooma
Senior Member

since 2000-01-28

Posts 781

6 posted 2000-03-06 04:29 PM

This is a beautiful poem! Welcome to passions! My only suggestion is that you use change a couple things in the second line. I've also added what I think would sound nice.
"Faded to a bitter fog the moment you said your goodbyes"
Just some advice

Great poem though, beautiful! Also at passions we're all about family and friends so if you ever need to talk to anyone, feel free to use my email or icq # or anything

Salma

"Not all the answers lie within your realm or mine, they lie within the borders."

Danny Holloway
Member Elite

since 2000-01-15

Posts 2034
Tulsa, OK

7 posted 2000-03-06 06:05 PM

I feel you had good rhyme and expression with this poem. Look forward to more of your work.
Danny

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