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Nights
Member

since 2000-01-03

Posts 56

0 posted 2000-02-18 05:58 PM

So casual
As it seems
How the slightest
Hint will be
Taken in

A blank
Stare across
The room
Will spark
A flare

So you
Told me today
Of things
That are yet
To come

But guesses
That's all they
Were, nothing
More than plain
Fun, simple fun

Take a
Look at me
What you've
Done is branded
in my eyes

And still
You tease with
Such care
It beguiles me
Into you

I say
This word with
Caveat to
You, careful, you
Might lose

Each time
You step away
I look back
And find that
Empty space

Would it
Kill you to show
Me how
You really feel
To tell me

I've made
It this far and
I'm looking
To win, win back
What was mine

So don't
Look away, I'd
Like you to
Look, And i'd look
Back for you

"It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
it's my mouth that pushes out this breath..."-FTE

LyricFetish
Senior Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 528
North Carolina

1 posted 2000-02-18 06:46 PM

The ideas you've expressed in this poem are wonderful, and your wording is good, but I think you shouldn't change lines in the middle of phrases quite so much-it's distracting. Other than that I loved it. I hope she realizes how cruel it is to mess with others' minds. Good job!

"The bullets you bite from the pain you request, you're finding harder to digest" -Collective Soul

poetic_butterfly
Junior Member

since 2000-02-14

Posts 25
illinois, usa

2 posted 2000-02-18 07:06 PM

i agree, the line breaks seem quite unnatural. maybe they could be slightly longer? but i like the wording of the poem itself....i'm such a free verse fanatic! very nice poem

....the words that stand still are often the ones that move us most....

Nights
Member

since 2000-01-03

Posts 56

3 posted 2000-02-18 07:25 PM

Thankx for your honesty. And you're right, it is unnatural and distracting, but i'd like to keep it this way. The poem's about a guy, not a girl *S*. Thankx again

"It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
it's my mouth that pushes out this breath..."-FTE

[This message has been edited by Nights (edited 02-18-2000).]

LyricFetish
Senior Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 528
North Carolina

4 posted 2000-02-18 07:33 PM

sorry nights, I hope HE realizes.....

"The bullets you bite from the pain you request, you're finding harder to digest" -Collective Soul

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