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Teen Poetry #2
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She has to be mine!
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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She has to be mine! |
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Dean Member
since 1999-11-23
Posts 120Canada |
She steals my heart with a glance, here eyes slowly meet mine. God I have to have her, how long? or is it only time?? I never saw her true beauty before, I always want to give her a hug. But something holds me back, I think I might be scared of love. Her sweet innocent smiles, warm my lonely soul. I don’t no what’s to happen, but maybe she could make me whole. I love talking to her, she always listens to me. In fact when I was blind she made me see. I know her heart is pure, and wishes to do right. She is great but if she was mine, that I could finally sleep through the night. "Live to love or why live at all" Deano [This message has been edited by Dean (edited 02-01-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 James Dean - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Mistikman Senior Member
since 2000-01-10
Posts 682San Jose, CA, USA |
Great poem Dean, I was wondering where you had gone  I have 2 suggestions though for the poem. number one would be to fix the little problem area in the last line of the third stanza, i think you forgot the word make in there My second suggestion is to change the last word into something else. Tight is slang and doesnt sound quite right in poetry. Course, that is only a suggestion, not an order Just with that word I think the poem loses a little.I am not a poet, I am merely one who speaks in emotion |
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Mistikman Senior Member
since 2000-01-10
Posts 682San Jose, CA, USA |
Hrm, now that I think about it, how about "then I could again sleep through the night" for the last line? it hints at not being able to sleep due to thoughts of her, and gives the poem a really nice ending i think. |
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Dean Member
since 1999-11-23
Posts 120Canada |
Thanx alot for the advise!!! i fixed that part where i was going to put make and thanx for helping me with the last line. You were wondering where I went?? No where just busy passing school thats all. A girl I admire very much inspired me to right this!! "Live to love or why live at all" Deano :) |
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chic Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 245yellville, Ar, U.S. |
WOW  this was great! I really loved this poem and it really inspired me to tell this guy i like exactly how i feel and guess what...IT WORKED!!!!! |
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Mistikman Senior Member
since 2000-01-10
Posts 682San Jose, CA, USA |
Well chic, congratulations, we should all be so lucky I wish you the best of luck with the guyI am not a poet, I am merely one who speaks in emotion |
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Dean Member
since 1999-11-23
Posts 120Canada |
I'm glad you liked my poem but most of all chic Ii'm gald it inspired you to tell that person you liked that you liked him..I wish i could tellthe girl i talked about in the poem how i feel but I would need confidence for that and thats something i'm lacking even though i have no reason to be. Thanx for your compliments. I'll be sure to read your stuff!! "Live to love or why live at all" Deano :) |
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Jer Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 443USA |
Hey Deano... this was great! I mean different for you but I like it. I to think you should follow Mistikmans sugg. and change that line. Although, this was a great work. I'm glad to see someone has inspired you to write such a great poem. |
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