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Used To Be (world was almost a nice place to be)
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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Used To Be (world was almost a nice place to be) |
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hoppy Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271 |
Used To Be Look at her and say what you see Look at her and you won't see me you'll see the brightest eyes with love shining through Diamond vase on her hand Looking so shiny and new Showing around vices of my heart Pin me up with a poison dart Spirit breaking through night and day she took my heart and threw it away Now i look at her And i say what i see I see a man where i used to be --Written by: Hoppy "Which is the dream?" SUBMIT YOUR POETRY HERE, AWSOME PAGE. http://members.xoom.com/weeklyhoppy |
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| © Copyright 2000 Hoppy - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Mistikman Senior Member
since 2000-01-10
Posts 682San Jose, CA, USA |
Pretty good poem. Might I suggest that you start responding to other's poetry in this forum? You have 10 posts so far, and 9 of them are your poems and 1 is a response to someone who responded to your poem. You will probably get upwards of 6 or 7 responses per post if you start posting to other peoples poetry. I am not a poet, I am merely one who speaks in emotion |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
I enjoyed this poem. I might suggest using poisonous dart instead of just poison. It adds to the flow of the line. Mistik also has a good point. You will find more people will respond to your work if you respond to theirs. |
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hoppy Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271 |
i read to be reading and write cause i love writing, not so someone will tell me I've done a good job. It's as a sport and i do it for the love of the game, not for the fans "Which is the dream?" SUBMIT YOUR POETRY HERE, AWSOME PAGE. http://members.xoom.com/weeklyhoppy |
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hoppy Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271 |
ok i'm bored an inbetween classes so i'll post another message to my own poem (conceted isn't it  but anyway, i considered what Marilyn said and the word poisnious doesn't dive with the flow of the poem. If you stick a 3 sylible word in with a bunch of one and 2 sylible words it doesn't sound quiet right. and the phrase "poisinious dart" just dosn't roll of the tounge very easily for the read. Nice thought though."Which is the dream?" SUBMIT YOUR POETRY HERE, AWSOME PAGE. http://members.xoom.com/weeklyhoppy |
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ryun Junior Member
since 2000-01-25
Posts 33elsinore, ca, usa |
Expression is he, Who wonders throught the tree's Expression to me, Is that what it seems I see your view, How will we learn Without a point of view Critics, so few I wish that was true... feel it |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
hoppy: this is a fairly good poem... about the suggestions that have been made... i agree with mistikman that you should take a little time now and then to respond to the poetry of others (even if nothing more than a "good job" or "keep writing" -- which it seems there are a lot of already)... the reason for this is not to draw praise upon yourself, but rather to help support your fellow poets (who in turn will support you as well)... it's also an issue of respect... i love to read poetry and i also like to write it, but i learn something from just about every poem (and poet) that i read and study... why? because each of us has something to contribute... i hope that you will reconsider your feelings on this matter... secondly, i agree with marilyn about the "poisonous" rather than "poison"... i dont think it's a matter of syllable count, i think it's more a matter of flow... the word poison can be read two ways (depending on your dialect): as either poi-sun (softer on both syllables) or as po-E-zun (sharper in the middle)... changing the word to "poisonous" eliminates this possible sharp vowel sound and would give the poem a smoother feel... sincerely, jerome the boy with no brain A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
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January Flowers Member
since 2000-02-01
Posts 209South Carolina |
I like this poem a lot. Nice punchline ending although sad. |
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Jer Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 443USA |
Great job! However, I think "poisinious dart" will fit better. That is just a thought though and it accualy reads easier with poisonous there. |
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hoppy Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271 |
ok let's clear up this misconception of what i'm talking about here. I am refering to an accual "poison" dart. Not a dark that contains poison. The dart itself is made of poison. The "poison dark" is metephoric for the words she is saying to me. The words do not contain poison but are poison in and of themselves. Therefore the word is poison, not poisonious. make more sense? "If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity." SUBMIT YOUR POETRY HERE, AWSOME PAGE. http://members.xoom.com/weeklyhoppy Don't look... you might see. Don't listen... you might hear. Don't think... you might learn. Don't walk... you might stumble. Don't run... you might fall. Don't make a decision... you might be wrong. Don't live...you might die. THE PAGE OF PURE POETIC EXPRESSION!! |
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Salooma Senior Member
since 2000-01-28
Posts 781 |
This is a great poem...it's really beautiful. keep up the great work! Salooma |
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