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Teen Poetry #2
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since 2000-01-27
Posts 271

0 posted 2000-01-31 07:43 PM

Used To Be

Look at her and say what you see
Look at her and you won't see me
you'll see the brightest eyes
with love shining through
Diamond vase on her hand
Looking so shiny and new
Showing around vices of my heart
Pin me up with a poison dart
Spirit breaking through night and day
she took my heart and threw it away
Now i look at her
And i say what i see
I see a man where i used to be
--Written by: Hoppy

 "Which is the dream?"


© Copyright 2000 Hoppy - All Rights Reserved
Senior Member
since 2000-01-10
Posts 682
San Jose, CA, USA
1 posted 2000-01-31 07:52 PM

Pretty good poem. Might I suggest that you start responding to other's poetry in this forum? You have 10 posts so far, and 9 of them are your poems and 1 is a response to someone who responded to your poem. You will probably get upwards of 6 or 7 responses per post if you start posting to other peoples poetry.

 I am not a poet, I am merely one who speaks in emotion

Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada
2 posted 2000-02-01 11:01 AM

I enjoyed this poem. I might suggest using poisonous dart instead of just poison. It adds to the flow of the line. Mistik also has a good point. You will find more people will respond to your work if you respond to theirs.
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271

3 posted 2000-02-01 02:28 PM

i read to be reading and write cause i love writing, not so someone will tell me I've done a good job.  It's as a sport and i do it for the love of the game, not for the fans

 "Which is the dream?"


since 2000-01-27
Posts 271

4 posted 2000-02-01 02:43 PM

ok i'm bored an inbetween classes so i'll post another message to my own poem (conceted isn't it    but anyway, i considered what Marilyn said and the word poisnious doesn't dive with the flow of the poem.  If you stick a 3 sylible word in with a bunch of one and 2 sylible words it doesn't sound quiet right.  and the phrase "poisinious dart" just dosn't roll of the tounge very easily for the read.  Nice thought though.

 "Which is the dream?"


Junior Member
since 2000-01-25
Posts 33
elsinore, ca, usa
5 posted 2000-02-01 03:54 PM

Expression is he,
Who wonders throught the tree's
Expression to me,
Is that what it seems
I see your view,
How will we learn
Without a point of view
Critics, so few
I wish that was true...

feel it

Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549
new orleans
6 posted 2000-02-01 04:07 PM

hoppy: this is a fairly good poem... about the suggestions that have been made... i agree with mistikman that you should take a little time now and then to respond to the poetry of others (even if nothing more than a "good job" or "keep writing" -- which it seems there are a lot of already)... the reason for this is not to draw praise upon yourself, but rather to help support your fellow poets (who in turn will support you as well)... it's also an issue of respect... i love to read poetry and i also like to write it, but i learn something from just about every poem (and poet) that i read and study... why? because each of us has something to contribute... i hope that you will reconsider your feelings on this matter... secondly, i agree with marilyn about the "poisonous" rather than "poison"... i dont think it's a matter of syllable count, i think it's more a matter of flow... the word poison can be read two ways (depending on your dialect): as either poi-sun (softer on both syllables) or as po-E-zun (sharper in the middle)... changing the word to "poisonous" eliminates this possible sharp vowel sound and would give the poem a smoother feel...

jerome the boy with no brain

 A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover!

January Flowers
since 2000-02-01
Posts 209
South Carolina
7 posted 2000-02-01 11:50 PM

I like this poem a lot.  Nice punchline ending although sad.
since 1999-12-02
Posts 443
8 posted 2000-02-02 03:18 PM

Great job! However,  I think "poisinious dart" will fit better.  That is just a thought though and it accualy reads easier with poisonous there.
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271

9 posted 2000-02-02 03:22 PM

ok let's clear up this misconception of what i'm talking about here.  I am refering to an accual "poison" dart.  Not a dark that contains poison.  The dart itself is made of poison.  The "poison dark" is metephoric for the words she is saying to me.  The words do not contain poison but are poison in and of themselves.  Therefore the word is poison, not poisonious.  
make more sense?  

 "If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity."


Don't look... you might see.
Don't listen... you might hear.
Don't think... you might learn.
Don't walk... you might stumble.
Don't run... you might fall.
Don't make a decision... you might be wrong.
Don't might die.


Senior Member
since 2000-01-28
Posts 781

10 posted 2000-02-02 09:11 PM

This is a great's really beautiful. keep up the great work!


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