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This is a song I wrote about the world (please give input on it)
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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This is a song I wrote about the world (please give input on it) |
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hoppy Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271 |
Blind Can't you open your blind eyes and see This cloned world is coming down on me I run to the boarder not looking back for i'm trying to flee All that I do for each of you, you look over and do not see Can't you open your blind eyes and see Can't you close your criticizing mouth and see This lacking bit of logic is killing me I run to the edge of this world and attempt to flee Nothing I do for you will never be enough for you to see Can't you open your blind eyes and see We go round and round till noone can see This bright bit of darkness where we live-this dark world of insanity A shot in the dark a scream in the night, all we do is hope That this bullet wasn't meant for me. All the redundancy you do not see, why can't you open your blind eyes and see It all breaks down and goes round and round Again and again you stand up to watch me fall down You stand and watch me fall down Still through this great chaos our redundant World still spins round and round till God stands and shall it all fall down This world keeps turning round' Can't you open your blind eyes and see This cloned world is coming down on me I run to the boarder not looking back for i'm trying to flee All that I do for each of you, you look over and do not see Can't you open your blind eyes and see Can't you just open those eyes and see, this is all you'll ever see of me. --Hoppy "Which is the dream?" SUBMIT YOUR POETRY HERE, AWSOME PAGE. http://members.xoom.com/weeklyhoppy |
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| © Copyright 2000 Hoppy - All Rights Reserved | |||
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
hoppy: good job... i like the repeated lines and the two ending lines best... i did have a wee bit of trouble with the awkward meter of the lines "I run to the boarder not looking back for i'm trying to flee/ All that I do for each of you, you look over and do not see"... mabye you could break those up or shorten them a bit to make the meter flow more smoothly... all-in-all a good poem about disillusionment (something i'm well acquainted with)... sincerely, jerome the boy with the blue thumb A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
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Voyce Junior Member
since 2000-01-30
Posts 13Colorado |
I like this song. My friend has a band, and with your permission, i would like to give it to him to possibly record. Please e-mail me with your responce. thank you. -Voyce spud1234@earthlink.net |
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Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850In the space between moments |
Nice job!  *Krista Knutson* ~*Like a lion, without fear of the howling pack, Like a gust of wind, ne'er trapped in a snare, Like a lotus blossom, ne'er sprinkled by water, Let me, like a unicorn, in solitude roam.*~ Hymn Of Buddha |
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