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Teen Poetry #2
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Untitled (suggestions welcome)
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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Untitled (suggestions welcome) |
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eve_angel Junior Member
since 2000-01-22
Posts 23Australia |
My heart is in a thousand pieces All skattered on the floor My mind is like a black hole My thoughts exist no more My guts are in a tangle All twisted in a knot My soul has now been captured And locked up in a box My arms and legs are heavy My eyes choose to stay shut I struggle to glance at my wrist And upon I found a cut. |
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| © Copyright 2000 eve_angel - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Mistikman Senior Member
since 2000-01-10
Posts 682San Jose, CA, USA |
great poem, how about "Broken by the World" for a title? I am not a poet, I am merely one who speaks in emotion |
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Smore Member
since 2000-01-24
Posts 67el paso |
If it is not broken, then don't fix it. Its a great poem the way it is. Love isn't a miracle in life, the miracle of life is love. |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
ahh well done.  For the title, how about simply "Shattered". I have one other comment. The last line doesn't work as written.And upon I found a cut. It is incomplete this way. I suggest "And there I found a cut." Or "And upon it I found a cut." The upon doesn't complete the thought and trips up the reader. |
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Salooma Senior Member
since 2000-01-28
Posts 781 |
Great poem! I'd love to read more of it. I agree with Marilyn about that last line....it does leave it sort of incomplete. But overall it's really good. Salooma |
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Singer1981 Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 148Fredonia, NY USA |
Great poem! I agree with Marilyn though...the last line needs to be fixed...how about "upon which i found a cut" and I liked the title Shattered also! ~Sarah |
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