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rascalx
Senior Member

since 1999-08-25

Posts 590
Florence, SC, USA

0 posted 1999-10-09 03:22 AM

I tell myself
that
I don't care
who feels your heartbeat..
who tastes your breath..
who reads your thoughts..
but it's a lie
As the words pour
out of me
I pretend
that you
don't have a way
to cross
this chasm
and prevent me
from falling..
but still I try
I listen
to your voice..
the distance between us
shortening
with each word..
my ears
hanging
on your every sound
I like you..
but I don't tell you
and by my isolation
and my fear
my true feelings
for you
are bound
I convince myself
that I have to be
close to you..
to see you..
to touch you
and know
that you are real
I love you..
but
thousands
of my words
can't cross the inches
that seperate us
as I struggle
with what I feel
Help me
cross this distance..
this chasm
I have created
____________

NOTE: This poem was edited after a very helpful critique from DreamEvil..the words are mine, but he helped set the tone. Thanks
RascalX
RascalX

[This message has been edited by rascalx (edited 10-09-1999).]

DreamEvil
Member Elite

since 1999-06-22

Posts 2396

1 posted 1999-10-09 03:31 AM

Your work reads well but it would benefit from line breaks. Example:

I tell myself
that
I don't care
who feels
your heartbeat..
who tastes
your breath..
who reads
your thoughts..
but
it's a lie

------------------
Now and forever my heart hears ~one voice~.
DreamEvil©

rascalx
Senior Member

since 1999-08-25

Posts 590
Florence, SC, USA

2 posted 1999-10-09 03:37 AM

you're right, DreamEvil; It does read better with those breaks. Thank you for improving upon what I was trying to get across with my words.

Dragoness
Senior Member

since 1999-08-07

Posts 513

3 posted 1999-10-09 03:53 AM

The breaks help the read a lot,but the enotion heres is well stated.Well done!

------------------
Set you heart free and your mind will follow.

Tara Simms
Senior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 1244
Honea Path, SC USA

4 posted 1999-10-09 04:06 AM

Rascal, this was wonderful! By far, my favorite poem by you. I can feel the emotions that you packed into this. The longing, wistfulness, even a touch of despair. This one is PERFECT!

Dare I say "lucky woman" for the one who inspired this?

------------------
It matters not how strait the gate;
How charged with punishments the scroll;
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
--W.E. Henley
Visit my poetry website: www.geocities.com/Paris/Musee/9954/

[This message has been edited by Tara Simms (edited 10-09-1999).]

Denise

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-08-22

Posts 22648

5 posted 1999-10-10 12:33 PM

This is beutiful and an enjoyable read!

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

6 posted 1999-10-10 01:57 AM

Well done!
Good job on the titling! Caught me then led me through to the end!

Tara Simms
Senior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 1244
Honea Path, SC USA

7 posted 1999-10-10 11:08 AM

This is so wonderful, I just had to respond again. Can't help myself.

Jeff, this poem pulls at the heartstrings. Makes me want to reach out and pull you across the chasm you speak of. When you look down into it, do you see a swirling abyss?

rascalx
Senior Member

since 1999-08-25

Posts 590
Florence, SC, USA

8 posted 1999-10-10 08:55 PM

Thank you everyone for your compliments; writing this poem was therapeutic for me.

And yes, Tara, I do see a frightening abyss beneath me but the temptation to jump is so strong. Thanks :-)

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius

since 1999-07-05

Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA

9 posted 1999-10-10 10:55 PM

Wow....this is beautiful. I know the woman this was written for and although I'd like to say, one lucky woman, I think you are also lucky. You've done a beautiful job on this piece, well written. I am truly looking for more. Hope you have the faith and trust to cross that chasm soon

rascalx
Senior Member

since 1999-08-25

Posts 590
Florence, SC, USA

10 posted 1999-10-11 01:32 AM

thank you hoot owl...given the depth of my growing feelings for the woman who inspired this poem, it was a difficult piece to write.

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

11 posted 2004-05-04 03:53 AM

I know this well

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