»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #3
»
Moon's Woe (revised....have a look Balladeer please..*S*)
| Open Poetry #3 |
|
Moon's Woe (revised....have a look Balladeer please..*S*) |
|
|
Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Once upon incandescent Moon, Two fairies danced by lofty tune. In fits of laughter they did swoon, Alas all ended much too soon. Soon, Moon had turned his weary head, To cry his tears which were blood red. Moon's sorrow cast an evil spell, On Earthly bounds twas much like hell. Lovers, yesterday stroll beneath, Celestial glow, he did bequeath. Hence, crimson cast such an evil tone, Causing them to wretch, scream and moan. Evil spirits used this sad hue, To dance and sing, raise much adieu. The fairies looked upon this scene, Such vile frolic was obscene. "Moon, why do you cry tears so red?" One fairy asked from 'neath her bed. Forlorn this Moon had but one wish, As tears rolled down, he told of this. "To dance and sing with utter grace, I envy you, Tis my disgrace." The fairies shocked at this display, Chastised the Moon with much dismay. "You are special, yes this is true! There be no one as sweet as you. Look upon these people beneath, Such effect the glow you bequeath." "The lovers once idyllicly strolled, Your glorious, heavenly glow behold. But now that the evil is let free, People run and hide, scream and flee." "You must be true unto yourself! Put your talents not on a shelf. We treasure you just as you are. As lovers wishing on a star." "Dry up your tears, lift up your head, Tuck this evil back into bed. Watch lovers stroll, your light give birth. Then you'll understand your worth." Moon took the fairy's words to heart, Turned his head then to us depart. Celestial glow, now all is well. People stroll, romantic hearts swell. [This message has been edited by Marilyn (edited 10-28-1999).] [This message has been edited by Marilyn (edited 10-28-1999).] [This message has been edited by Marilyn (edited 10-29-1999).] |
||
| © Copyright 1999 Marilyn - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Watcher666 Senior Member
since 1999-10-13
Posts 1606 |
Marilyn...like this one. But I'm not sure if it's me or not. I think some of your wording a bit strange. Did you mean incandescent instead of condescent, the other line Moon's sorrow cast an evil spell?? ------------------ Illusion...what we see and what we do...it's all up to you. |
||
|
hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Marilyn, I like the revision  |
||
|
Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Watcher.....ahhhh..I worked very hard on this piece yesterday and today..hours spent trying to make it work and I miised condescent!!..*shaking head*. As for Moon's sorrow cast and evil spell....because the Moon was sad and weeping it turned red....the red hue created cast an evil spell upon the earth. |
||
|
Watcher666 Senior Member
since 1999-10-13
Posts 1606 |
Thanks Marilyn.....now I got it!! ------------------ Illusion...what we see and what we do...it's all up to you. |
||
|
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Now we're cooking, Marilyn! You made excellent changes....got rid of the "dish" and the new ending is much stronger. The flow of the poem is much, much smoother. Watcher was correct in his statements but I'm sure "and" instead of "an" is just a typo. "adue" is "adieu". I congratulate you. You have worked very hard on this and stuck with it in your attempt to improve yourself and you deserve to be applauded for it. Well done! |
||
|
Richard 33 Member
since 1999-09-09
Posts 187glen easton, wv usa |
Very good, evolution of poetry reveals, layers of beautiful thought.....LOL |
||
|
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
You did great on this one Marilyn! Very well done! ------------------ Denise |
||
|
WhtDove Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245Illinois |
Most excellent! |
||
|
Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California |
Excellent flow to this magical poem, Marilyn. Huge strides...the effort is paying off well. ------------------ Michael Anderson Is all that we see or seem but a dream within a dream? |
||
|
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Ah, you've taken your talents off the shelf...well done! |
||
|
Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Marilyn, You are doing well Keep up the good work, enjoyed the read. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||