WONDERING AND REALIZING- my first attempt at free verse, tell me what you think

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Open Poetry #1

WONDERING AND REALIZING- my first attempt at free verse, tell me what you think

angel girl
Member

since 1999-07-23

Posts 322
within a whisper...

0 posted 1999-08-11 09:33 AM

Staring out the window,
Wondering who I am,
I see one lone shadow
Looking over the dam.

Peering down below her
At the crystal water
Watching the reflection
Of the warm glowing moon.

Seeking any answers
As to why she’s alive.
Thinking about her past
Remembering her Hell

Knowing how she survived
Realizing how she could
Help others just like her.
Survive through their own Hell.

Then all at once the dam broke loose,
and my mind came rushing back
I realized that shadow was me.
And I now can help others see.

How to escape their agony.

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One touch of nature makes the whole world kin.
-William Shakespeare

[This message has been edited by angel girl (edited 08-11-99).]

poetFemmeFatale
Member Elite

since 1999-07-25

Posts 2646
Arkansas

1 posted 1999-08-11 09:51 AM

Your content is fabulous...nice imagery...could see it as I read it...help & write!

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- poet FemmeFatale

"The strongest man in the world is he who stands most alone..." Henrik Ibsen (1826-1906) Norwegian dramatist lyric poet

JP
Senior Member

since 1999-05-25

Posts 1343
Loomis, CA

2 posted 1999-08-11 10:02 AM

For your first attempt I would say you did a pretty good job overall.

Could it use something? Sure it could, but like any great chef, you'll figure that out with experience. Add a dash of salt, through in a deeper metaphor, stir it a bit, taste, test... and keep writing.

I enjoy what I see coming from you so far.

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Dum spiro, spero
JP

Alwye

Moderator

Member Elite

since 1999-06-16

Posts 3850
In the space between moments

3 posted 1999-08-11 11:07 PM

Wow, great job, considering this is your first attempt. I enjoyed this, it had a very good message. Keep up the great work.

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*Krista Knutson*

"Your kiss upon my face feels like a brush with grace, baby thats all it takes to take me higher..." SHeDaisy

angel girl
Member

since 1999-07-23

Posts 322
within a whisper...

4 posted 1999-08-12 03:02 AM

Thank you poet, JP, and Alwye. Your comments mean a lot to me.

------------------
One touch of nature makes the whole world kin.
-William Shakespeare

RosePetal

Member Elite

since 2001-08-26

Posts 2985
South Florida

5 posted 2002-02-11 07:14 PM

good stuff here

SilentTears
Member

since 2003-02-15

Posts 371
Lost and Broken

6 posted 2003-03-19 04:12 PM

Very good imagery. I could definetly get a picture in mind of everything you were talking about. The first stanza, though, rhymes, and the rest doesn't. Did you mean for it to rhyme? Other than that, great job. I like it.

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