Electric Brilliance...(please comment...)

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Open Poetry #2

Electric Brilliance...(please comment...)

silver-moon
New Member

since 1999-07-21

Posts 5
albion, MI, 49224

0 posted 1999-09-21 08:05 PM

Electric Brilliance

I took a second glance
And had to adjust my stance

For you were the girl in the crowd
Filled with an inverse of audacity, school-girl style, not very loud

You caught my eyes
And filled my voice with longing sighs

Love at first sight?
No, it could not be right…

But now I begin to wonder
For we go together like lightning and Thunder

This Electric Brilliance that I see
Stands out when it is just you and me

And the band plays on….
I pray that forever would be our little song.

[This message has been edited by silver-moon (edited 09-21-1999).]

[This message has been edited by silver-moon (edited 09-21-1999).]

Julie
Senior Member

since 1999-08-20

Posts 739
Houston, TX

1 posted 1999-09-21 08:13 PM

This was a very sweet poem. The only thing
I might change is "shy and cute." There
is an air of redundancy with shy especially
due to "not very loud". I enjoyed the read.

------------------
Julie
-------------------------
..."to thine own self be true."
>William Shakespeare

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