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Angel
Senior Member

since 1999-07-02

Posts 551
Pennsylvania

0 posted 2000-01-02 09:38 PM

I want to love you so bad. I want to place my heart in your precious hands and kiss it goodbye forever. To trust you with it and let you decide whether you want to crush it into a million pieces without an ounce of remorse or do what I know only you can and take it in your sweet hands and cherish it and hold it until the end of all eternity. I see so much when I look into your soft, welcoming eyes. I see your hopes, your dreams, everything you hold so dear. I want to share it all with you. I want to be the one you love, you want, you need. If ever you have a problem, I want to be the one you talk to. I want to be there for you until the end of time. But I know what I must do first, I must learn to trust and to love once more. Deep inside, I need to be utterly convinced you do love me and will not shatter my soul like the others. You have to climb the wall I have built up around myself, around my heart. That wall has kept me safe from being hurt for so long, I never could let anyone inside, no matter how I tried. In fact, I never actually wanted anyone to come that close, it hurt too bad. The idea of letting someone control my heart, and hurting me again, was scary, terrifing in fact. I was just fine using this wall to hide my feelings; to keep my hopes, dreams and desires safe from the cruel outside world. Yes, no one could hurt me behind the protection of the wall, but I also never truly loved anyone and no one cold really love me back. Until there was you, sweet wonderful you. With your eyes so amazing and your smile so warm, I knew you were special. I knew I wanted to be with you forever. You were different. Not at all like the others, you could never even imagine hurting me. When I'm with you my troubles of the outside world are lifted. My heart is free. I am safe. But when you go away, the terror returns. It tells me I am not good enough for you and you are cheating on me. I hate it. I just want it to go away, but it won't. It tells me you hate me because I can not fully trust you, but it is because of it I can't trust you to begin with. In time, I will, I know I can, but it will take time. It will take both of us. I want to help you climb the wall. I want to let you in, but I need you to be patient. I want you to be the one I let in. The one I love. The one I give my heart to. But keep in mind, it is incredibly vulnerable and will break very easily. But I trust you to protect it, for you are the only one whom I want to give it to. If you decide to give me yours in return, I will never let it go. I will cherish it and make you the happiest guy alive. If you don't understand what I'm trying to tell you, and reject my heart, it will be crushed once again and I will be left alone to pick up the pieces. I am so afraid of being left alone. Not being wanted is the worst feeling in the world, but you would never do that to me. That is why I want to trust you so bad...I have to. I must give you my heart and let you decide what to do with it. I must take this risk or no one will ever be left inside of my heart. You are the only one I love, antd the only one I ever want to let in my heart. I hate hurting you by not being able to trust you, but please, believe me when I say I want to more than anything. Tell me you love me, you need me, and want to be with me. You are the only one who can make the terror succede. I used to have terrible nightmares where you would tell me I'm worthless and you never loved me to begin with. I ran away and cried. But I believe this was only my heart attmepting to make excuses not to love you. Excuses of how you are like the others, you're not. There was only one time, in fifteen months I doubted the fact that you were different, but you proved me wrong. I was so happy. You didn't what they didn't, what they couldn't; you cared about my feelings. That is why I love you, you make me feel like no one else has ever before. I don't know why you chose me over all the other girls, maybe we were meant to be, by fate. It doesn't matter why, just thank you, you taught me the most important thing anyone could; how to love again. And for these reasons, yet so many more, I place my weak little heart in your loving hands. Do with it what you may, but be warned, pleae handle it with care or it will crumble in your fingers. I can't be left alone to mend it together once again, I just can't. I love you forever.

Love Always
~Susie

~Susie~

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

1 posted 2000-01-02 10:06 PM

WOW!
Such an outpouring of your heart!
The only thing I would like to say in response to this, is to live! You can only carry conviction so far, then you must take chances!

Angel
Senior Member

since 1999-07-02

Posts 551
Pennsylvania

2 posted 2000-01-02 11:46 PM

Christopher:
Thanks so much. This was a 5am, I really can't sleep thing. I just wrote what was on my mind, and this is what I got. Just rambling really