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First Things First
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First Things First |
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1slick_lady Member Ascendant
since 2000-12-22
Posts 6088standing on a shadow's lace 
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First Things First Ruby had been down the Natchez Trace a thousand times, alone and with her daddy. There was a Standard Station they always stopped at to grab a sandwich for the car ride. Ruby always got the same thing- a thin sliced ham and cheese and a tomato juice, pimento cheese was fine if there was no ham. Today alone Ruby leaned on the front of the car eating quietly, trying to choke the ham down wondering if she could make it home or if she really wanted to. She hadn’t been able to concentrate anyway but she knew- just being with Lucy- things that wouldn’t make sense would again fall into place. She flung the bread crust in the garbage, slid back into the drivers seat and down the road again she headed, wondering to really where and what she was headed to and from. Circles, circles, circles, seemed her mind and life was spinning just like the wheels on her car, out of control. The car drove itself it seemed, for she didn’t remember the miles and before she knew it the familiar four o’clocks were in sight. Chicken cooking was in the air as she touched the screen door and let it fall behind her in SLAM. Daylight found her three days quiet and to herself un-answering calls of invitations – she was no company to herself how could she be company to anyone else? From the porch swing she pushed herself inside, walking with concrete feet. She could see her daddy in the den, he never looked up from his papers (and she was grateful) so she slipped by relaxed. Ruby slipped between the cool clean white pressed sheets in the silence of the darkness. She hadn’t bothered to turn the lights on. It was easier not to see anything. And down in the den daddy still sat alone in his papers, smoking a cherry blend pipe for the smell trailed up the stairs. She knew it was early still but didn’t care, early- late it didn’t matter to her. Time can drag on when you have no where to go and nothing to hold on to but time. So she swam in her sheets, treading that water, trying not to drown. She closed her eyes a thousand times but sleep was lost to her just as the swirl of her life was. How could this be? A woman who had always had so much direction had now, lost her north. Muffling music in her head she couldn’t quiet, for how do you silence a rainbow after a storm? Ruby found it hard to breathe. Insecure. A heart divided. Shredded in paper cuts. Feeling like the last flower past September. Wanting to scream and no noise escaping, feeling so small knowing there was no mystery and use to disappointment, yet she was shaken. Everything comes at such a cost. Even when she knew she had bought into something she couldn’t afford. Nothing came in return and she knew she shouldn’t have expected any more. She cried. It was a silent offering to healing. She could not stop the way she felt. It isn’t easy to give yourself away. The damned if you do damned if you don’t type of feeling. This is the overwhelming feeling of small. Nothing cries as silently or loudly as heart break. Lucy was the only momma Ruby knew, Ruby’s momma’s name was not allowed mentioned in the Green house (unless it was by her daddy or papaw) after Ruby’s momma had up and left with some fiddle player from a juke joint. Lucy indulged Ruby spoiling her in many ways but stern in others. Her bed had always floated in pillows, they were her pretend family and tonight she hugged them, and placing them to her back as to feel the touch of something against her skin. Nothing, nothing soothed her, rocks were in her bed, kicking all but three to the floor, and she backed to the headboard sitting up in bed with her arms hugging her legs. And there again she cried alone in the darkness so no one saw. Where the only sound in the night was the stars she had wished upon exploded over her head and crashed to the ground. She let go of her pain, and her heart trickled to some puddle on the floor. Crazy but there are things that you carry and sort out on a daily basis, changing and teaching you, every morning reaching for the thickest stuff to conceal the scars. There are cracks that mend, and wrinkles that fold inward. And things you learn to smooth over and we pray. Perfect fit wrapped up tight gathered up and sewn together in pieces. It’s funny how we round the corners of our sharp edges. What was love anyway? But an emotion that had turned her upside down and inside out. A place you can not bare to go yet can not exist without. A place to cling to as well as beg to be freed from. He had been an answer to a prayer she had prayed. Getting actually what she prayed for and no one to blame but herself. God does answer prayer, even the selfish ones. Asking even begging for someone to love and there he was. Looking back Ruby wished she had known how to pray better for she should have ask for someone to love and for someone to love her back, but here she was with the answer to her prayer. A heart can take a lot and go right on beating even when it bleeds. In the dirt there are lines that we walk, thick and thin. And there are lines to cross. Each of us has to decide to stay on the safe part of the ground or jump with both feet to the other side. Ruby had backed up, run as fast as she could and jumped over with no turning back and it cost her. Ruby sat alone in her room with her old childhood fix, paper and pens. She sat and wrote, she didn’t mind the silence. Ever since she was a child she had turned to words. A written conversation, and there are so many things to say. First one drop, so much more than just lines on a page and every word a drop of her blood. While Ruby wrote, the air rang with such a hollow. Something was missing. It was true the love of her life was gone and Ruby had a void and her heart screamed inside and all she heard was an echo. Yes he was gone, but that was not all of it she had an emptiness and she had to get to the bottom of it. Tomorrow her concrete feet would touch a new path even if she didn’t like what she found. Her life would start again. “all romantics meet the same fate”…Joni Mitchell |
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| © Copyright 2006 Helen Chambers - All Rights Reserved | |||
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cwilk55 Junior Member
since 2006-06-13
Posts 17OR |
Oh my. So good. So real. Ouch. |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Helen, As always your writing creates such amazing pictures and emotions. So many feelings in this write that hark back to my own adolescence in emotions. Very well done. If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, |
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the_girl_next_door Senior Member
since 2006-02-26
Posts 591USA |
This whole piece was amazing. I love your work.. You are a very talented writer. This piece expressed so much emotion. The use of similies and metaphors in this amazed me as well.. it made everything better. Great job.. going in my library `heather~ Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes. |
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