opening paragraph (please advise)

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Passions in Prose

opening paragraph (please advise)

Seth
Member

since 2003-04-13

Posts 74
Arizona

0 posted 2004-10-04 09:10 PM

She just stood there, staring back at me with the (same?) oblivious indifference we'd shared for months. An insurmountable silence had fallen between us and no utterance could swell our hearts to passion from grievance.

miscellanea
Member Elite

since 2004-06-24

Posts 4060
OH

1 posted 2004-10-07 09:09 PM

Seth, I like both words oblivious and indifference, but not together-too repetitive. I'm eager to hear more.
miscellanea

Kethry
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-29

Posts 9082
Victoria Australia

2 posted 2004-10-30 07:02 PM

I like it as an opening paragraph but I would use same, perhaps persistent. In the last line I'd change the ending around to read 'from grievance to passion.' although I'm not sure why that seems to work better.

Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown

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