Lady of the Sea (first prose attempt)

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devinechild22
Senior Member

since 2002-08-28

Posts 571

0 posted 2004-01-04 09:32 PM

I've never written prose before or tried to but I came in this forum a few days ago and enjoyed it. I figured I'd give it a go and if it is really terrible well...I tried.

Rain pouring down
Onto the creaking wooden boards
Of the colossal Maria Liona

Jack strolls down the deck
Searching through the blue-green sea
For what he did not know

What answers could he find
In the vast mass of water
What questions were he asking?

But no sooner did he ask this
Than did a subtle splash appear
On the starboard side

Jack hurried over to find
The greatest shock of his life
There rising out of the sea
Was the most beautiful of beautiful ladies

Dressed in a flowing green gown
Green as the deep deep sea
Her arms outstretched as if she was calling
"Jack come to sea with me."

Jack stood in awe at this beautiful lady
He gripped the boat's edge
He wanted to jump in
To greet the most beautiful of women

She opened her mouth and out came a song
One that Jack had never heard
He listened intently to her words
Calling, calling him in

"Oh, Jack come with me
In the lovely sea
So I'll be lonely no more"

Jack could't hold it in
And he did jump in
No one has seen him since

"Come away with me, Wendy. Come away to Neverland."

[This message has been edited by devinechild22 (01-05-2004 04:42 PM).]

Melodious_silence
Junior Member

since 2004-01-05

Posts 37

1 posted 2004-01-05 07:27 PM

The infamous siren, great use of context clues

devinechild22
Senior Member

since 2002-08-28

Posts 571

2 posted 2004-01-05 09:54 PM

Thanks a lot for the reply. Nice to know someone read it. lol
*Allison*

"Come away with me, Wendy. Come away to Neverland."

Wesley the Blue
Member

since 1999-09-02

Posts 426
Forest Lake, MN, USA

3 posted 2004-01-06 01:44 PM

Ok, first of all, this isnt prose, its free form poetry. But that aside its some pretty good work.

"What answers could he find
In the vast mass of water
What questions were he asking?"

The only thing I could see that needs improvement is the last line of this stanza. You changed the voice from past to present tense. The line should read (at least I think so) "What questions was he asking?" But thats just my thoughts, take them for what they are worth.

"The usefulness of a cup is in its emptiness, for a cup that is full can hold no more."
-Roy Suenaka

devinechild22
Senior Member

since 2002-08-28

Posts 571

4 posted 2004-01-06 06:15 PM

Thanks for the reply. I appreciate the input. Like I said I never wrote prose before so it was bound to be bad. Thanks.
*Allison*

"Come away with me, Wendy. Come away to Neverland."

Wesley the Blue
Member

since 1999-09-02

Posts 426
Forest Lake, MN, USA

5 posted 2004-01-07 03:25 AM

Its not bad prose, its just not prose at all

Its not bad poetry either.

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