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Of Mood Rings & Diamonds
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Of Mood Rings & Diamonds |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... 
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Of Mood Rings & Diamonds Beautifully poised, bouquet in hand, she gazed deeply into his eyes. He looked so handsome on this, their special day. She had always thought him beautiful, but today...it was somehow different, and as she stood, enthralled within the depths of him, her heart could not help but remember... She thought back to their growing up years. They had been inseparable since infancy...'two peas in a pod'. Every day was filled with time spent together...laughing, crying, playing, smiling, and eventually...loving. They never tired of one another, and she had always dreamed that they would, one day, be together...forever. Her heart smiled, as she recalled their first 'date'. They had gone to Putt Putt for a round of miniature golf...with no parents! Sure...her mother had dropped them off, but then, quickly driven away, leaving the two of them 'alone'. They felt so grown up on that day...and why shouldn't they? They were, after all, 12 years old...practically teenagers. Never mind that her grandma's house was right around the corner, should anything go wrong. That didn't matter. They were on a 'real' date, and that was only the beginning of their 'romance'. There were mood rings and 'I like you' notes...and love songs re-written just for her, and then... that first kiss under the ping-pong table in the rec. room of her house...a 'dare' in a wild and risky childhood game. Funny thing...as far as dates and kisses go, that trip to Putt Putt and the kiss on a dare were still some of the best she could recall. She still had the mood ring he had given her. It was safely tucked away in the top drawer of her jewelry box, where she could easily find it during those moments when she needed to slip it on her pinky and travel back in time. He had been so proud, on that day, to place it on her finger. Being the 'man' that he was, at 13 years old, he had picked it out himself, and paid for it with his own money that he had saved from his allowance. She smiled and wore his ring proudly...every few minutes, glancing down, to see if her 'mood' had changed. Of course, it hadn't...she was happy so long as she was with him... Flashback to the future... She listened, as he began reciting his vows. Her heart lovingly repeated the words back to him. It was practically surreal, when she heard him softly say, 'I do', and the preacher pronounced them, 'man and wife'. 'You may kiss the bride',...and for a moment, she was in heaven... Flashforward... Reality... She held the bridal bouquet, yet it was his bride who held his heart. Silently, she watched her dream shatter into a million tiny rays, as the sun danced on a diamond ring she would never wear. Her heart quietly broke, as his bride stole her last kiss, and the color of her mood finally changed with the knowing... ~vlraynes Okay, folks...this is my very first attempt at anything remotely resembling prose, so don't be TOO hard on me, okay?  I would appreciate some honest input though. Tell me, gently?...what, if anything, is good about it and what would make it better? Pretty please? "So here I am with pockets full of good intentions But none of them will comfort me tonight..." ~Carpenters [This message has been edited by vlraynes (07-20-2003 03:03 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Vicky L. Raynes - All Rights Reserved | |||
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dgvarner Member Elite
since 2000-05-13
Posts 3552High Springs, Florida |
spectacular, wonderful read m'friend.. well written! hugs, g "If you suppress laughter, it goes down and spreads out your hips."- Steve Allen |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
When one expounds on a poem...and introduces the nuances to a slice of life...how could we do anything but say thank you for sharing yourself so well. You've got the talent - now I expect more prose in the future.  |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Vicky~ Tender and touching render~  Ya' done real good girlie~ I 'think' it's the beginning of a few more prose chapters ? Love ya' *Huglets* ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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SharaRose Member Elite
since 2003-07-19
Posts 2501Somewhere out there~ |
Very nice, captivating write. So like lifes turns. My first read here, and I enjoyed very much! SharaRose @-->-- Of sound, and speech let all lift the hearer! |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Beautifully poised, bouquet in hand, she gazed deeply into his eyes, should be a period here He looked so handsome on this, their special day. She had always thought him beautiful, but today...it was somehow different, and as her eyes dove can we find another word for dove – I think most people would stumble over it not knowing that it meant anything but the bird into the depths of him, her heart could not help but remember... She thought back to their growing up years. They had been inseperable spsince infancy...'two peas in a pod'. Every day no comma needed had been filled with time spent together...laughing, crying, playing, smiling, and eventually...loving. They never tired of one another, and she had always dreamed that they would, one day, be together...forever. (I’ve been accused of using too many ellipses but I don’t mind them!) Her heart smiled, as she recalled their first 'date'. They had gone or went instead of had gone? I’m not sure on this one to Putt Putt for a round of miniature golf...with no parents! Sure...her mother had dropped them off, but then she had driven away, too many hads in this sentence? Again, I’m not sure leaving them to be 'alone'. They had felt so grown up on that day...and why shouldn't they? They were, after all, 12 years old...practically teenagers. Never mind that her grandma's house was right around the corner, should anything go wrong. That didn't matter. They were on a 'real' date, and that was only the beginning of their 'romance'. There were mood rings and 'I like you' notes...and love songs re-written just for her, and then... that first kiss under the ping-pong table in the rec. room of her house...a 'dare' in a wild and risky childhood game. Funny thing...as far as dates and kisses go, that trip to Putt Putt and the kiss on a dare were still some of the best she could recall. She still had the mood ring he had given her. It was safely tucked away in the top drawer of her jewelry box, where she could easily find it during those moments when she needed to slip it on her pinky and travel back in time. He had been so proud, on that day, to place it on her finger. Being the 'man' that he was, at 13 years old, he had picked it out himself, and paid for it with his own money that he had saved from his allowance. She smiled and wore his ring proudly...every few minutes, glancing at it to see if her 'mood' had changed. Of course, it hadn't...she was happy so long as she was with him... Flashback to the future...I would personally bring the next sentence down to the next line for effect She listened, as he began reciting his vows. Her heart lovingly repeated the words back to him. It was practically surreal, when she heard him softly say, 'I do', and the preacher pronounced them, 'man and wife'. 'You may kiss the bride'...and for a moment, she was in heaven... Flashforward... Reality... She held the bridal bouquet, yet it was his bride who held his heart. Silently, she watched her dream shatter into a million tiny rays, as the sun danced on a diamond ring she would never wear. Her heart quietly broke, as his bride stole her last kiss, and the color of her mood finally changed with the knowing...oh man this is sad ~~~ Ok. I found the purple italic font hard to read could you do it in black regular next time? I loved the story..it has a bittersweetness that is endearing. I really like how you tied in the mood ring at the end. I really liked it and I think you did a GREAT job. You should be proud of yourself! Try another one now!!! |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
yeah!!! Vicky is playing in prose!!!   I love the clever, creative twist you put on this... didnt see it coming at all...so that means you wrote it well. Great job of mixing imagery, memories and emotion.. like the flashback scenerio!! The best way to perfect writing prose is to do it often and read it over and over... the most common mistake is repeating and overusing the same words and using too many of the little words like and, had, of, is, etc... I have found that if I re-read mine over and over, I catch those and can edit out the un-needed words and find new words to take away from the repetative. Youre off to a fantastic start...I hope to see more prose from you... then your novel Well done poetess girlie!! "I'm good at two things and this is the other one." |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Wow...you guys are so cool! I'm going to have to come back to this later, in order to respond coherently to your input. Still feeling the effects of a night of little sleep. I wanted to thank you all, though, for being so kind nad taking the time to read this humble offering. I WILL be back to give more thought to your suggestions and comments. I appreciate you all so much. Hugs to all...  [This message has been edited by vlraynes (07-19-2003 07:48 PM).] |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
I personally feel unqualified to critique the nuances of prose... It's an art I need to study much more deeply... I can say - that your sharing of these feelings in a prosaic venture is wonderful. You've given your reader a dose of "reality" and shown them how life can take twists and turns we never counted upon... I enjoyed this, Vicky... Thanks... |
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Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
*big hugs* to you for writing this one. *smiles* I'm not going to critique it, PdV did a great job getting the little things. What matters first is just getting into the flow of prose *hugs again* PS> I LOVE IT!!  [This message has been edited by Skyfire (07-20-2003 04:58 PM).] |
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Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
 Your first attempt? *grin* You've surpassed all of mine! lol.... Very well done, Vicky. Kielo I'll never know the cost, but all of Him is more than enough for all of me.... |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Oh vicky. I read this several times, and even through the pain of the write and reading of this, I have to admit I have a certain amount of joy watching you unveil yourself here--in your prose, and in your poetry, even in the hurt and yes, at times the anger, there is a celebration of yourself that I fully applaud. YOU, my friend, are a treasure trove of heart. This shows in every word. Thank YOU.  |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
I'll be baaaack! If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Vicky...Tender and touching...a piece of heart, twisted with the courage of breaking and moving on. I loved it! |
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