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It's Then When I Feel
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It's Then When I Feel |
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Skyfire 
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding 
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I thought he was the one that I was going to be deliriously happy with. Very few times in my life have I had the opportunity to love someone with all of my being and have him love me in return. I lost him the other day though… We had broken up last weekend because of my choice to move back to my parents’ place. There was more to it than just that, but the end result was that we had broken up. Now, I’ve dealt with losing someone like that before, so I wasn’t too worried about getting over him and moving on with my life. It hurt, sure, but I knew that I’d love again when the time was right for me to. Two days later I received the news that the man I loved had died from a dislodged blood clot that had moved up to his heart. I cried, of course, what else was I going to do? Then I just sat and stared at the computer screen, cursing the man who invented MSN Messenger, and wanting to be with his brother for support. Last night I felt it. I was lying in bed with my black light on, a couple of candles burning, and my radio playing quietly as to not wake up my parents upstairs. I thought about Will and what I had had with him, and then it hit me that he just wasn’t ever coming back. 23 years old, his entire life ahead of him… he had survived two comas, two skull fractures, and a back injury from February. Killed by a blood clot, where’s the justice in that? I cried. Lord did I cry. I thought that the pain was never going to end, and so I phoned my best friend two hours away from me and just cried while she listened to me and let me feel for a while. I eventually cheered up a bit and we hung up the phones, promising to see each other tonight, as she is up in the area for a couple of days. I went back to bed and wrote. I felt myself writing in a clinical, detached way, and I wrote about what happened and how I blame myself for him being out of the hospital in the first place. I eventually went off on a tangent and stopped writing and just sat and thought for a while. I then felt myself close up and go numb again. I do know though, that I’m not going to be 100% numb about this ever again. I cried about him again today, and I will continue to cry until I’ve worked my way through my grief and my pain. I’ve never had to deal with losing someone this way. Family members have died and I’ve not felt this heart breaking agony that I feel when I chase away the numbness and think about him. It’s all a part of growing up, I suppose, although I’m not happy with it. Why did this happen to me? I don’t know. I don’t know if that is an answer I will ever receive. I do know though, that life goes on, and that I will continue to love him in my own way. I will find love again, I know of someone who is more than willing to love me, and I also know that he will let me love him at my own pace. But I will never forget William Stuart Fowler, and I will never ever stop loving him. It just would not be right in my eyes. I will carry his memory with me for always, and although it hurts, I’m trying to be positive about it. It’s just those long dark hours when I can’t turn off my mind and when the rest of the world is asleep that I don’t like. Because it’s then when I feel. |
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| © Copyright 2003 Rhonda Adolph - All Rights Reserved | |||
skyshine
since 2002-02-07
Posts 3058Beneath the northern stars |
Sweetie, BIG hugs.  Email me anytime it's dark and you're up late. It had to have been incredibly hard to write this, I can't even imagine....Thank you for sharing this with us. Really.   ~ElizabethDreams last for so long, even after you're gone... |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Rhonda, There are no rules. People try to tell you there are patterns and what you will go through next. Trust me...there are no rules. I have not experienced the pain you feel. But of loss I will say don't run from the pain. I pray for you for courage and for peace. And again, somdeday, for love. Until then, if you need me, I'm an email away.  &  If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. |
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Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
I think I've said all that I can... I wish there was something I could say or do to help you feel better, but you sound like you're dealing with it about as well as is possible... *holding you tight* Stacey |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Okay...so I'm a little slow in getting here, but I brought hugs. Does that count?Take care of Rhonda, okay? |
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