Passions in Prose |
dream a little dream of me |
quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
one quick thing. that's not really the title. it's the working title which will be changed as soon as i make up my mind. i do have plans of continuing, but i'm having a little trouble. seems that i have a terribly influencial mind and everytime i try to go further, i get too tired. ::shrugs:: as well, i'm still deciding whether or not to go forwards in time, or back. any suggestions? once i decide, then i will be able to think about the title a little more.
i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister. [the closest thing i've found to heaven is sitting here talking to you.bif naked] [This message has been edited by quietlydying (10-11-2002 12:04 AM).] |
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© Copyright 2002 jennifer elizabeth - All Rights Reserved | |||
Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
yeah - i've been here before... used to work some three hours away from home: up at three thirty, drive a few hours, work all day, drive three more hours, back home around nine. Four months straight without a single day off. I drank a LOT of mountain dew then. Jen - this is vividly portrayed with some great description... uhm, perhaps a bit too much for such a short story? might i suggest a bit of adjective trimming. there is a lot to be said for giving a perfectly clear vision of what you're writing, but too much in such a short piece quickly overwhelms it and makes it a bit difficult for the reader to keep track of the most important part - the story. this part is durn near perfect - quote:here, you not only have some great, straight-out prose, but you also accompany that with a feeling of the driver's attitude. it is prose with a purpose, something Ron's talked about recently in this thread. Peace, Christopher |
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
Very well written Jen. I am interested in seeing where does she go next? Great story line and very well presented. If I have touched one heart through my words, then I have acheived my dream... |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
hey /jen/, here's my response to this... I liked this, but it didn't do a great job grabbing my attention. I think, as Chris said, you have a bit too much description and it kind of drowns out the events. Something else that you have to be really careful of, when writing prose, is how frequently you begin your sentences in pronouns or names. You use the word "she" so much that it becomes extremely redundant at times, especially as the first word in a sentence. Another thing, you will want to make your lines more easy to read by throwing in some flow regulation... add a few commas, break up some of the longer sentences, give the reader time to pause in their head so that they don't find themselves droning on and on through a desert of a run-on sentence. All your initial skills are here, but prose functions very differently than poetry does, and it seems like you had trouble deviating from old habits for the sake of writing this. Sorry if this sounds negative, but I know you're a big girl, and you can take it. Parasite |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
this is pretty cool, if a bit gruesome for what is implied. one thing, i believe when one goes down becaues of sleep deprivation there is a tunneling of vision, and loss of peripherals. you might add that. |
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Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
Hmm... I'd definately like to see you complete this I am a Knight who says Ni! |
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Chameleon Member
since 2002-08-07
Posts 99Australia |
I would too like to see it when its complete, a very good read. the description of how character goes through the motions of alertness through to dreaming, i enjoyed. |
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