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Loyalty's Curse...... a short story Please read and comment.
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Loyalty's Curse...... a short story Please read and comment. |
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Lucie Senior Member
since 1999-06-20
Posts 1077Houston 
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Sebrina stood in front of the mirror, applying the last of her makeup. She leaned forward peering at her reflection. "Hmm, you can hardly see it" she thought. She lightly traced the purplish bruise at the corner of her eye. She straightened up grabbing the brush and pulling it vigorously through her shoulder length auburn hair. The bruises had been coming more frequently now. Almost impossible to hide, but she had managed quite nicely. She didn't hold any hard feelings for the man who delivered the blows. He was after all her only living relative and she was more worried about being left alone. She blotted the passion pink lipstick on her mouth, and then satisfied flicked off the bathroom light and went into the kitchen. The early afternoon sun was gleaming through the sheer white curtains filling the room with a soft glow. She poured herself a cup of coffee and sat down at the table to wait. The city social workers were coming today, to question her about the living conditions in the small two bedroom apartment. She looked around, it was small, but cozy. And with the few touches she had put on it herself it had become their home. They being her Grandfather and herself. She smiled, her thoughts turning to Grandpa. He was such a treasure, when he could remember everything that was. The symptoms of his memory loss were getting worse as of late. But she wasn't going to let them take him away. He wasn't going to be put in one of those Elderly homes she'd visited last month, they were horrible. Besides, they had been managing just fine. He wasn't to much of a burden like some of her friends thought. He was.. her Grandfather. He had always been there for Sebrina, especially when both her parents had died. He had taken her in, a young girl of 8 years old, and he had raised her. Putting her through school and then through College on his meagor salary and the little pension he had received. And she wasn't going to abandon him now. Not when he needed her most. Sebrina heard a car in the drive. "That must be them" she thought, standing and looking out the little kitchen window. She watched as a middle aged woman got out of the passenger side of the car and stood looking up at the little white house. She waited until the man who had been driving walked around the car and joined her, but Sebrina didn't wait to see him. She hurried to the front door, straightening her skirt and blouse as she went. She heard a rapt knock on the door, and took one final breath before painting on a smile and opening the door to them. "Hello, Miss Johnson?" the woman extended her hand "I'm Mrs. Stevenson, and this is Mr. Williams." the man who stood behind her was tall, with dark hair and blue eyes. He wore a serious expression on his face, but there was a hint of a smile around his eyes that he couldn't seem to erase. Sebrina shook both of their hands and invited them into the livingroom. "Please sit down," she said. "Would you like some coffee, or some juice?" "No thank you Miss Johnson, we'll just get down to business." Sebrina watched quietly as the woman took several folders out of her briefcase and laid them on the coffee table...... To be Continued...... |
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| © Copyright 2001 Lucille Dobbins - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Oh..interesting! I can't make up my mind if I like that the old guy hits her or not...does it happen on purpose or is he out of it???? Good beginning.. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I'm with Sharon on this one. Great beginning and attention to detail...can't wait to see where you take this one! |
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Wesley the Blue Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426Forest Lake, MN, USA |
Good start. I just have one question though. If they live in an appartment, why is there a driveway and why does she answer the "front" door rather than the door to the appartment. Just some things that I noticed. |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Wesley made some good points. I'll try to be constructive, and say you should use the word "she" to start fewer sentences. Aside from that, good title... and a good start, so far. I'm looking forward to a conclusion.  ~Allan "I know it's nice to be known - It caresses your ego - but the society cost is terrible." |
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Solstice Son Member
since 2000-09-19
Posts 469 |
Grrrrrrrrrrrr!! You're one of those writer's that thrives upon the cliffhanger......i hate that...in a good way write more....SOON! Sol " The question shouldn't be...'Why are we here?' but rather 'ARE we here? " |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
Wonderful bit of writing here, though you just had to leave off at such a critical point, didn't you? I'm not sure whether the old man deserves pity or to be taken away...Can't wait to see where you take this"A hard, cold wisom is required for goodness to accomplish good. Goodness without wisdom always accomplishes evil" - Robert Heinlein |
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dreamer1 12 5 24 Member
since 2000-12-11
Posts 150crossing between |
Wow. Beautiful. I can't wait. I read the title and I was hooked... Hurry please... The day is brighter, but the dawn is sweetest. |
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LadySofia Member
since 2000-05-16
Posts 238FL., USA |
I'm going to keep tabs on this one! ^_^ LadySofia "The smallest feline is a masterpiece." |
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
Looks like a fine story in the making. Only the Author will be able to decide what to do. I think she has a good start! |
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mauddib Member
since 2002-01-12
Posts 119melbourne australia |
I kept on reading, that is always a good sign. I got a little confused between that house and the apartment, apart from that the only other point I would volunteer is that I would have liked more about Sabrinas' emotional state, why the bruises, I suppose that will come later but readers are impatient. Don't forget that. I wait for the next installment. |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
dear lucie, ARGH! *ahem* that is... i wish there had been a bit more resolution at this point... honestly, when i was finished (until i scrolled down just a bit more and saw that "to be continued") i thought that was the end of the story... i do hope you wont leave us here... excellent writing though... i look forward to a fuller understanding of the situation in the next installment of this work... sincerely, jerome Do not be deaf to me, for if you are silent I shall go down to the pit like the rest. (Psalm 28) |
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