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Prepositions |
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obscurity of cloud Member
since 2001-05-11
Posts 294....:::::******:::::.... |
This just kind of popped into my head today, nothing special. I've been in the mood for very short pieces lately  I appreciate all your comments, and as always, thanks for reading! In the phone booth. Under the umbrella. Into the slot, 35 cents. In my mind, the running thought of speaking to him after so many months. Without a thought to social politesse, dialing. Below the cacaphony of rain, my heart beating without his, oblivious an organ it turned out to be. After a second, he answers. After a minute, click. "so when at times the mob is swayed to carry praise or blame too far, we may choose something like a star" --Frost |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
You have an interesting begining here, but I think you could make this into something much better. Why is she at a pay phone? Why is she out in the rain? Is she alone? Was there anything said in that minute? Was it tense silence? What was going on in the narrator's mind? I of course don't know if you want to persue this, but if you do maybe those questions will get the juices flowing? Just some thoughts. Keep writing! "There's nowhere to set my aim |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
As Abe said, this is a good beginning. I'd like to see you take this and make a good story of it. I think you could! Thanks for sharing.  "Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli |
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KwiatMan Junior Member
since 2001-05-19
Posts 17Florida |
Excellent story line. It may open many doors to readers memories. Prior agreement to end the affair, etc. I have trouble with the umbrella in the booth. "out of the rain" or "shielded from rain" perhaps? To me, the coin slot bit is needless verbiage. I like "fearful" instead of "running" and rain drops, instead of rain. A minute is an eternity. It opens the door to "who the hell is this"? "get your phone fixed". "Talk dummy, it's your nickle", etc. Not conducive to renewing a romance. "Moment" seems a better time frame. Now that I've hacked it to pieces, I repeat, an excellent story line as it is. I'm just picky-picky... |
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