navwin » Main Forums » Passions in Prose » Nothing
Passions in Prose
Post A Reply Post New Topic Nothing Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
Phreak
Junior Member
since 2001-04-11
Posts 26


0 posted 2001-04-11 03:26 AM


“It would never work.  I mean, seriously, what are you supposed to say to someone in a grocery store?  Nice potato sack??”  Growing impatient, she took a long drag from her cigarette and pushed her long blonde hair to the side.  She was born in 1977 a Scorpio.  She has full lips, light blue eyes, a waistline of twenty-three, a smile that sometimes becomes a smirk and she hates herself but probably shouldn't.  Being a single mother, she cherishes nights like tonight when her four-year-old son is at his dad’s and she has some alone time.   “Listen, I am going to the store to get milk, not a man, okay?”  She hung up with her sister and headed for the door.  For some reason or another, the slamming of the door behind her always sent a chill up her spine and put a memory in her head.  Not today though.  Today she is not going to think.

Coming home from the store always sucked.  Bags of groceries up the hill, in the door, back to the car one more time into the house, unloading into the freezer, the fridge, and the cabinets.  Not exactly her favorite chore in the world.  The couch and the remote were the only two things on her mind now.  She was tired.  Work had been taxing these past few days, and to make matters worse her boss had been on her case for reasons she knew but didn’t want to think about right now and it gave her a headache that lingered long after she left the office.   “Damn!” she screamed as she felt a sharp pain shoot intensely into her right foot.  “I SWEAR I want to find the man who invented these little plastic army guys and I am gonna shove one up his ….argh!!!,” she yelled aloud to the empty house as she removed the small soldier whose plastic bayonet penetrated the bottom of her foot.  The stumbling had made her knock her purse onto the ground…gum, hairspray, the new Prada wallet she bought last week that already had lipstick stains on it from the lipstick that was more expensive than the wallet, keys, smokes, 2 lighters that she had never seen before, turnpike receipts and a pack of matches from a restaurant that she doesn’t remember being at.  There was something else lying on the floor that spilled from the bag, something that would destroy any plan she had of not thinking tonight.  It stared right at her as if to say “Look at me, you forgot I was in here didn’t you.”  If she had some "special" brownies to eat right now that is exactly what the little packet would have said. The packet was filled with a week’s worth of ovarian egg killers. She looked at them and realized that the moment would require her to think. Her first battle was her first thought….the few extra pounds she had gained, the stress, the cramps from time to time.  All fairly normal side effects of the birth control pill.  Right on schedule, thoughts flooded her brain like a swollen river…

Thinking is definitely not as bad as crying though, because thinking doesn’t leave you with swollen eyes that even the ripest cucumbers can't cure in  the morning.  Thinking, for her, goes beyond any depth that is measurable.  A higher level of thinking that has perplexed many of her friends and intrigued a few others throughout her life.  She certainly doesn’t think such insignificant thoughts like  “what might have been” because those thoughts are what unintelligent people have who like to torture themselves with fantasies.  Why?  How?  Two of the most powerful questions that have had men seeking the answers for centuries…that was more her style.  Sometimes she wishes she could just think about nothing, like most people do.  The people who can look at a summer sky colored with hues not even a million perfect portraits could capture the beauty of… and not see heavan, the people who can make love all night, staring into their lovers eyes with unexplainable intensity and wake up just to walk out with nothing said.  Nothing is a great word.  Maybe she will think about nothing tomorrow.  Nothing:  not anything at all, meaningless.

Slide down the surface of things…

It’s 1:00 a.m. she usually never stays up this late.  She numbs herself and the look on her face is a look of pure defeat.  A battle lost.    Maybe she could convince herself that what she felt was all an illusion, a fixture in her mind that never really existed at all.  A meaningless bay view while their two creations slept soundly, a weekend trip with wine, fish and shopping cart races, mirrors surrounding them reflecting…meaningless…a messy office floor with the faint smell of fresh roses and irony permeating the air…meaningless…. Whispers…meaningless…

She wakes up at 6 a.m. makes her coffee and reads about the hostages in China and how the Chinese Government are letting them exercise and how happy everyone is.  She climbs into the shower wondering if the maintenance guy will ever come and fix the hot water so that she can actually feel it for more than two minutes.  She scrubs the way too expensive vanilla salt wash all over her body that she uses for her dry skin… she washes away the pain that stings her legs because she shaved before applying the salt treatment…she washes away that word she said that should have never been said…she washes away the shampoo in her hair….she washes away the reasons she knew she had when she did what she did...and the reasons she had for telling the boy the truth…she washes away the cucumber face mask that always stings her eyes…  she washes away the hope to achieve a higher level of thinking…something without meaning…nothing.

Confusion does not necessarily cause a person to act…


[This message has been edited by Phreak (edited 04-11-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 Phreak - All Rights Reserved
Wesley the Blue
Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426
Forest Lake, MN, USA
1 posted 2001-04-11 01:29 PM


Ok, three things.

Firstly, Welcome to passions

Secondly, good story, interesting descriptions and imagry.

Thirdly, I know you dont encourage critiques, but I am going to give you some advice anyhow.  Your character needs a little more background development.  What is she trying to wash away, what did she say, or what did she do?  And why are there little plastic army men on the floor? (on a side note, you may want to go after the maker of LEGO's too, those think are killer on the feet when stepped on.)

Once again I would like to say that you have done an excelent job here and say welcome and enjoy.

Keith

every day is a new day with which we can change the world

Phreak
Junior Member
since 2001-04-11
Posts 26

2 posted 2001-04-11 01:35 PM


Keith,

Thank you for your constructive critisism.  I anticipated that, because this story was written for a recent ex boyfriend with whom I have a hard time communicating with.  It was my way of expressing my feelings to him... I wasn't sure if other's would "get" it...so I edited the story a little bit.  Hope it helps!  

Thanks again.

[This message has been edited by Phreak (edited 04-11-2001).]

Wesley the Blue
Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426
Forest Lake, MN, USA
3 posted 2001-04-11 07:26 PM


it was my pleasure.  And yes that little bit of information does help imensly.  Hope to see you 'round here some more.

Keith

every day is a new day with which we can change the world

Tiersdin
Member Elite
since 2000-11-17
Posts 2364
east coast
4 posted 2001-04-12 03:53 PM


I really liked this story. Even tho I didn't understand all that was going in as I read, I found it most intriguing because of that. Very good writing, looking forward to more.

*smiles*

-Tier

kitkat
Senior Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 878
Nova Scotia
5 posted 2001-04-13 07:22 PM


Nice story.
A single mom ,weekend alone,
thinking of a lover that left her in away  she not wanting to be.
The shower, tthe shower would wash all her anger, disappointment  feelings away.
Will it????


Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
6 posted 2001-04-15 08:54 AM


Welcome to Passions!
Xeonox
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2000-04-01
Posts 1764
CA, USA
7 posted 2001-04-21 01:02 AM


What a selifish soul I am? I never responded to your post and neither did I welcome you to passions. Your prose was the inspiration for me to try writing a prose. What a fool I am not to tell you, my muse? I thank you for your responses and your optimisim at my novice try at writing prose. I hope I see more of your writing than one. You cannot be selfish to keep yout thoughts and your talents within yourself. You must share them with us. And passion is a great place for that. WELCOME TO Passions!!!!!!!!!  

Ronil (Inspiration for my poems is all around me for my muse is my reality.)

Phreak
Junior Member
since 2001-04-11
Posts 26

8 posted 2001-04-21 09:17 AM


Xeonox,

WOW!  You have no idea how much I appreciate your response!  I really didn't think this was that good...this is my first prose as well.  I wrote it in the middle of the night when thoughts were so heavy on my mind that I couldnt even sleep.  I don't know if I'll be writing another...but because of your response I am certainly thinking about it!!
Thanks again!

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Main Forums » Passions in Prose » Nothing

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary