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Critical Analysis #1
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Depths of Insanity
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Depths of Insanity |
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merely_a_jester Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 67Arkansas... that's all you get |
Screaming, wails, moans, blackness covers all, Arms tugging, wishing, wanting, that these straps should break, With this pulling, constant, unknowing his arms ache, Mind numb, whispering, he has already taken the fall. Scratches, bites, burns, self inflicted, Spiders, snakes, only for inside eyes, Shoelaces, belts taken, only by the law will he die, Visitors, family, victims, restricted, Mind is fried, sizzles in his head, Memories flash, blood, death, Pictures showing, over and over, all their last breath, Craving for them, him dying, dead, From his inner hell, torture, escaping never, Thoughts, life, mind, gone, forever. To Be, contents his natural desire, He asks no Angel's wing, no Seraph's fire; Alexander Pope |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello there, I'd like to first state that I've never been a big fan of this type of format, sorry, but I'll try to be as impartial to the format as I can since you now know my opinion on it. I really liked the "insanity" story going on here. I thought the first four lines were your strongest, they painted a fairly graphic picture of a struggling man restrained and not really knowing why, and the mid section I thought was your weak link because it didn't really drag me into his insanity. I didn't feel like you took me into the head of a very disturbed individual nor into the "hell" of his crimes. No one ever likes the suggestion I'm about to give, probably because very few like heavy tempo changes mid-stride, but here goes....consider a format change midway through the poem, (then revert back to the old form for the end), one that will give a more muddled, detailed, hectic/frantic and confusing read, one perhaps that may more accurately match the mind of the insane and the torturous deeds and images within it...perhaps add some odd looped thoughts as well....anyways just an idea. Thanks for the read. Trevor |
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caul Junior Member
since 2000-01-07
Posts 12 |
I just posted my own weak attempt on this subject, after reading yours I wish I hadn't, you've done it much better than I ever could. Thanks for the read.  Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. |
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merely_a_jester Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 67Arkansas... that's all you get |
trevor:thank you for the critique i'm glad someone has finally bothered to notice me the reason i did't keep with the internal struggle is because i wanted the reader to visualize this guy and his plot... though i am considering doing one that has nothing to do with phyisical aspects because of your suggestions caul:thank you for the complement... but never sell yourself short. i've read some of your stuff and believe me, you should never be ashamed of anything you've written To Be, contents his natural desire, He asks no Angel's wing, no Seraph's fire; Alexander Pope |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
jester: i'm not normally a fan of the "word-dump" (my own term) format, but i think you pull it off well.. i particularly like the line that says "only for inside eyes"... a beautiful and disturbing expression of the mind... just one question... is this person being electrocuted, or is this simply his decent into madness? sincerely, jerome the boy that just made kool-aid A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
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merely_a_jester Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 67Arkansas... that's all you get |
poetry_kills:thanks for the compliments. it was supposed to be, as you said, "word-dumped" because of the incoherency that insanity tends to have prevailent in it... and no... shock treatment is not something i have addressed in this poem, mostly because i have yet to read up on the pluses and minuses of the subject... i merely meant to give a tangible mental image  just another twice invisible boy To Be, contents his natural desire, He asks no Angel's wing, no Seraph's fire; Alexander Pope |
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faith Member
since 2000-01-31
Posts 89 |
Hey it was nice ...keep it up! faith(juss some1 who stumbled across yer poem ) |
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branique New Member
since 2000-01-30
Posts 6 |
first I would like to say that this sight is tight! This is my first reply and im looking forward to all the great reads. this read struck me exactly what it is insaine, thats good , because thoughts dont come as a smooth transition their dumped into your mind like this read creates, i got what the man was thinking as sometime in the mind even it didnt make complete sense thanks dude, keep it up! |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Jester: Sorry it took me so long to "notice" this. Actually, I noticed it a couple days ago but time has been a little tight. Even now you are sharing this time with a hot cup of Ramen Noodles.  My thoughts on this. I think this is an excellent start but I think more detail in your descriptions of these "insane" images would draw the reader in more. For example: "Screaming, wails, moans, blackness covers all," What kind of "screaming"? Shrill screaming? Echoing? Screams of pain, of fear, of despair? Same goes for the "wails" and "moans". This line painted a picture but it is mostly painted in black and white. A few good adjectives and adverbs and you could be showing this picture of "insanity" to me in Technicolor. Perhaps something like: "Shrill, despairing screams; tormented moans; hellish blackness, ..." "Arms tugging, wishing, wanting, that these straps should break, With this pulling, constant, unknowing his arms ache, Mind numb, whispering, he has already taken the fall." Some embellishment might strengthen this portion but I don't think you should go overboard here. This seems to be a little island of calm in the madness when the afflicted has some time to assess his/her condition. But then, panic again: "Scratches, bites, burns, self inflicted, Spiders, snakes, only for inside eyes," Something as simple as the word "festering scratches" or "venomous bites" etc. would give some more color to this picture. Remember, you not only want to tell us what he is thinking and experiencing, but also want us to experience insane panic with him. What does he see through his own eyes? Are the snakes big, small, venomous, constrictors, the spiders hairy? What color are the spider's eyes (I always thought the multiple eyes of some spiders was spooky)? Shoelaces, belts taken, only by the law will he die, Visitors, family, victims, restricted," Again, a relatively calm, introspective moment. "Mind is fried, sizzles in his head, Memories flash, blood, death, Pictures showing, over and over, all their last breath, Craving for them, him dying, dead," Again, what does a fried brain, sizzling in the head feel like? Always assume that I don't know and focus on the burning, sizzling, agonizing details. What kind of blood? Spurting? Dried? Flowing? Is it coughed up? From a fresh wound? "From his inner hell, torture, escaping never, Thoughts, life, mind, gone, forever." You may want to replace the last line with some kind of insane rant. If thoughts and mind are gone forever, why would this concern the speaker (if the speaker is the insane person, that is). You have an excellent skeleton here. Flesh this thing out and I think it will have some punch. This, of course, is merely my opinion. Thanks for the read. Jim |
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merely_a_jester Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 67Arkansas... that's all you get |
faith and branique:for your kind i thank you jboulder:thank you very much for your critique... you've given me something to think about... i wrote this years ago and decided to post it on the spur of the moment... i see many of your points and like the idea of the last line being a rant... i may even not procrastinate too long and change it... no promises, but if i do i'll be sure to repost it, hopefully with more for you to chew onthank you all again To Be, contents his natural desire, He asks no Angel's wing, no Seraph's fire; Alexander Pope |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Jester: Call me Jim (you keep mispelling jbouder). I look forward to your repost.Jim |
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hoppy Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271 |
ahh yes, very nice poem indeed. After reading it you can close your eyes and see what it's like to be there with him. Can feel the tormented mind. I like the simplistic description of this poem. It's concise and quick with much detail in few words. keep it up, i look forward to seeing more like this "If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity." SUBMIT YOUR POETRY HERE, AWSOME PAGE. http://members.xoom.com/weeklyhoppy Don't look... you might see. Don't listen... you might hear. Don't think... you might learn. Don't walk... you might stumble. Don't run... you might fall. Don't make a decision... you might be wrong. Don't live...you might die. THE PAGE OF PURE POETIC EXPRESSION!! |
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